Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 19:06     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The entitlement here is unbelievable. The step children are NOT your parents grandchildren. They have no obligation at all to subsidize your blended family by including your step children in their vacation plans with their grandchildren/your children. Your attempt to blackmail them into doing so is selfish and dysfunctional.


Agree. OP does not realize that these children are NOT her children. While she may have helped raise them she is not one of their parents. Her parents are not their grandparents.

If OP and her DH divorce, she has zero legal rights to ever see these kids again. Zero. Same for her parents. This frequently happens as the divorce rates for second marriages is about 70%. I can understand her parents' reluctance to expend emotion, attention and resources on these children. I have known many heartbroken people who treated stepkids "like their own" for years only to have them yanked away permanently when the parents' marriage fails.



Agree with this. My step-DIL has never once included me in their X'mas family cards or mentioned me in any of her "We visited DH's home state and met so-and-so" Facebook posts and yet has no qualms messaging me to buy LulaRoe leggings for her 'small business'. I know I am in a different situation from OP's parents as I am the second wife but still...
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 19:00     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:I asked my 14 yo. She felt it’s all the kids or none and grandparents are jerks. She would not go to Paris without step sisters.

FWIW


She knows you would judge and punish her for any other opinion. Sorry but children in these kinds of families know they are expected to speak their lines.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2022 18:18     Subject: Step children and family rules
I asked my 14 yo. She felt it’s all the kids or none and grandparents are jerks. She would not go to Paris without step sisters.

FWIW
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 07:14     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:The entitlement here is unbelievable. The step children are NOT your parents grandchildren. They have no obligation at all to subsidize your blended family by including your step children in their vacation plans with their grandchildren/your children. Your attempt to blackmail them into doing so is selfish and dysfunctional.


Agree. OP does not realize that these children are NOT her children. While she may have helped raise them she is not one of their parents. Her parents are not their grandparents.

If OP and her DH divorce, she has zero legal rights to ever see these kids again. Zero. Same for her parents. This frequently happens as the divorce rates for second marriages is about 70%. I can understand her parents' reluctance to expend emotion, attention and resources on these children. I have known many heartbroken people who treated stepkids "like their own" for years only to have them yanked away permanently when the parents' marriage fails.

Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 05:19     Subject: Step children and family rules
I respect you OP. You are doing your best to be honorable to your 4 kids.

Unfortunately you can't make other people feel the same way you do. Your parents' are small hearted people who couldn't bring themselves to love 2 and 4 year old children their daughter helped raise from toddlerhood. They don't respect the family you have built.

On the other hand, this is at least partially due to the decisions you and especially your husband made decades ago around the timing of his various marriages and kids. Objectively, his basic character is pretty suspect and your parents likely don't trust him.

In your shoes, I would let any kid who is interested go on the trip with your parents, but not force your 12 year old to go. Stop trying to force equal treatment from people you can't control, but continue to support all your kids as equally as you can with your own resources.

If your children want to talk about the perceived inequity, don't get defensive, but acknowledge that it's a complicated situation and you love them all the same and will do your best to treat everyone fairly.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 04:21     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.


OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.


Is it really weird to separate two sets of.kids who aren't actually related to each other? Is that any more weird than when you and your ex, and.your current husband and his ex, separated all four children from having intact families,then choosing to create a blended family? You are a selfish spoiled rotten person OP. If you want to take all four kids on a trip together, you are more than free to pay for it and chaperone it.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2022 04:14     Subject: Step children and family rules
The entitlement here is unbelievable. The step children are NOT your parents grandchildren. They have no obligation at all to subsidize your blended family by including your step children in their vacation plans with their grandchildren/your children. Your attempt to blackmail them into doing so is selfish and dysfunctional.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 23:37     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.


OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.


I’d love to hear the timeline. Something smells off. Did he and his ex-wife separate when she was still pregnant with kid #2? How old was that kid when you were pregnant? Just don’t see how you get divorced, meet someone new, date, get married, have 9 month pregnancy, and then another kid is born all in 2 years.


A divorce generally takes a year and some courts will not allow it until after the baby is born. So, they got married in 3 months and immediately pregnant? So, he had to to have been married/separated when they dated.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 20:11     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.


OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.


I’d love to hear the timeline. Something smells off. Did he and his ex-wife separate when she was still pregnant with kid #2? How old was that kid when you were pregnant? Just don’t see how you get divorced, meet someone new, date, get married, have 9 month pregnancy, and then another kid is born all in 2 years.
OP said DH and his ex separated when the ex was 6 weeks pregnant. Which is really hard to fathom to me.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 19:58     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage. The girls are 14 and 16 years old. Custody is 50/50 with the ex-wife, the girls come over Thursday after school through Sunday evening. It's been the same schedule for the past 10 years, since the girls were younger. And super close to them and I treat them well because I love them and I want the best for them always. Dh and I have two girls, age 12 and 10. The kids get along and we treat them equally all the time. The only difference is my parents don't seem to want anything to do with my step kids. We try really hard not to have my parents over when the girls are with us. My parents asked to take my girls to Paris for spring break, and I refused unless they include my step kids. Dh said we can take them somewhere else and make it special. I disagree. My 12 year old called out my parents and is refusing to go. What's our next step?


Oof this is tough. I am a step daughter. But at 14 or 16 I would have recognized that my step mom's parents do not have the same relationship with me that they have with their blood grand children.

I think I agree with your DH. Your daughters deserve a full relationship with their grandparents with out reference to the step children, and your daughters deserve to go to Paris if that opportunity is presented to them. Try to give your step daughters other great opportunities -- may not be identical but have some equity.

You are kind to stick up for your step daughters. Some circumstances, I agree you cannot abide overt favoritism. But special trips or visits with your grandma, should not be curtailed.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 19:33     Subject: Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.


OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.


I’d love to hear the timeline. Something smells off. Did he and his ex-wife separate when she was still pregnant with kid #2? How old was that kid when you were pregnant? Just don’t see how you get divorced, meet someone new, date, get married, have 9 month pregnancy, and then another kid is born all in 2 years.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 09:37     Subject: Re:Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here,
A lot of you are very judgemental and incorrect. I offer to pay for myself and step kids and join my parents on the trip to Paris. My parents said NO. They just want my kids with them. All the time it's the same answer and I stop asking except this year. Because of COVID, we have not travel oversea as a family in two years. My oldest stepkid is 16 and we wanted to take her on a nice vacation. All four kids are well travel since five years old and up.We have travel all over by saving our money, definitely not my parents money.

I am not money hungry, I didn't not break anyone marriage, dh and I were childhood friends and we met up after his divorce. We got married right away, had kids back to back. We grow up in the same area, went to school and had friends in the same group. I didn't need two to five years to know him before we got married.

I know for a fact that my stepkids don't travel anywhere with mom or her family. Because their mom and I get along and plan the girls activities every two months. Our family is healthy, open, and not rotten like some people here are talking about.

I am only child to my parents and I have given them access to my kids 100%
My parents are generous with helping my kids and I am ok with it. I am not ok when they completely ignore my stepkids.
Was the youngest step daughter not born when your DH and his first wife separated? The fastest divorce I know took 13 months and that was because they could forego the full year separation because of infidelity. Otherwise, it takes longer. This is why it is hard to figure out. Did you date before his divorce was final and marry immediately after it was granted? Were you already pregnant when you married? Are the 12 and 14 year olds really closer to three years apart?

I just cannot figure out a timeline that works well.


OP here,
Dh and ex-wife were separated when she was six weeks pregnant with second kid. Dh and are didn't date while he was separated, we dated for six months and got married.


Who separates when their spouse is 6 weeks pregnant and has a toddler? Holy red flag Batman! That is like separating the week you find out you were pregnant. Why did DH’s wife feel so strongly? She is a teacher who doesn’t make a ton. The cost of childcare is enormous for two and having to pay for a separate household- with no family nearby that can help. Divorce is expensive. It just doesn’t make sense without a reason like infidelity or abuse.

But back to the timeline. Say it takes 15 months to separate one year and file and get the divorce. A fast divorce if there is not abuse or infidelity. You and DH start dating the day after and date for 6 months. You marry and get pregnant within a month. 10 months later daughter number 3 arrives- which happens but is really really quick. That is 32 months. So, it is closer to three years apart than two. The timeline can be shortened, if you were pregnant before you married and/or if there was abuse/infidelity to quicken the divorce.



I’m trying to imagine the guy who has two super young kids and immediately wants another…with a different woman. Sounds like OP could provide the life for him that he wanted via her parents.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 07:31     Subject: Re:Step children and family rules
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here,
A lot of you are very judgemental and incorrect. I offer to pay for myself and step kids and join my parents on the trip to Paris. My parents said NO. They just want my kids with them. All the time it's the same answer and I stop asking except this year. Because of COVID, we have not travel oversea as a family in two years. My oldest stepkid is 16 and we wanted to take her on a nice vacation. All four kids are well travel since five years old and up.We have travel all over by saving our money, definitely not my parents money.

I am not money hungry, I didn't not break anyone marriage, dh and I were childhood friends and we met up after his divorce. We got married right away, had kids back to back. We grow up in the same area, went to school and had friends in the same group. I didn't need two to five years to know him before we got married.

I know for a fact that my stepkids don't travel anywhere with mom or her family. Because their mom and I get along and plan the girls activities every two months. Our family is healthy, open, and not rotten like some people here are talking about.

I am only child to my parents and I have given them access to my kids 100%
My parents are generous with helping my kids and I am ok with it. I am not ok when they completely ignore my stepkids.
Was the youngest step daughter not born when your DH and his first wife separated? The fastest divorce I know took 13 months and that was because they could forego the full year separation because of infidelity. Otherwise, it takes longer. This is why it is hard to figure out. Did you date before his divorce was final and marry immediately after it was granted? Were you already pregnant when you married? Are the 12 and 14 year olds really closer to three years apart?

I just cannot figure out a timeline that works well.


OP here,
Dh and ex-wife were separated when she was six weeks pregnant with second kid. Dh and are didn't date while he was separated, we dated for six months and got married.


Who separates when their spouse is 6 weeks pregnant and has a toddler? Holy red flag Batman! That is like separating the week you find out you were pregnant. Why did DH’s wife feel so strongly? She is a teacher who doesn’t make a ton. The cost of childcare is enormous for two and having to pay for a separate household- with no family nearby that can help. Divorce is expensive. It just doesn’t make sense without a reason like infidelity or abuse.

But back to the timeline. Say it takes 15 months to separate one year and file and get the divorce. A fast divorce if there is not abuse or infidelity. You and DH start dating the day after and date for 6 months. You marry and get pregnant within a month. 10 months later daughter number 3 arrives- which happens but is really really quick. That is 32 months. So, it is closer to three years apart than two. The timeline can be shortened, if you were pregnant before you married and/or if there was abuse/infidelity to quicken the divorce.

Anonymous
Post 03/21/2022 01:42     Subject: Step children and family rules
OP I don't think they should ignore/not be able to be around them (wth do you do on holidays/when you have all the kids/when your bio kids birthdays fall on days you have the stepkids? Do you really have to specifically plan for your parents NOT to be around? They sound like they have some deeper issues, if that is the case.

Having said that- your parents are NOT their grandparents and they shouldn't be forced to take them on special trips. If your sense of fairness calls for your bio kids to miss out on trips with grandparents in order to 'level the interactions', this just undermines their relationship and is sad. Your 12 year old has already picked up on your attitude and it is not appropriate for her to be questioning your parents financials.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2022 23:56     Subject: Step children and family rules
Op, if you are so worried about mom and the kids, why not pay her more child support. These kids are not your parents responsibly..