I have taught high school for 15 years. I also have a son. I started noticing even in the years before the pandemic that dating was gradually becoming much less common than it had been at the beginning of my career or when I was in high school. Part of this is the acceptance of experimentation outside of a relationship (“hookup” culture), and part is a general regression in overall maturity somehow. There are many socially successful juniors and seniors who have never dated and don’t seem to have any drive to seek a partner in this way.

I think social media and technology are a big part of this. Teens conduct so much of their friendships and social interaction from behind screens now. In comparison to teens in the late 90s when I was in high school, kids today just don’t seem to crave time in the physical presence of their friends/peers. I know when I was that age, my friend group was my world and we spent so much time hanging out and talking in each other’s rooms, coffee shops, parties and local music shows, etc, and while teens today do have friends, they aren’t spending that huge chunk of time physically with their friends outside of team/school activities, for the most part and in general. Teens are tech savvy and I do believe their virtual socialisation arena is more nuanced and influential than we know and the effects of the change from physical to social interaction will become more and more pronounced.

I do also think that kids are less socially mature, with much weaker communication skills, due to this evolution. They are less confident and certain speaking with adults and rely more on their parents to step in and handle interactions with teachers, etc, than was the case even 15 years ago when I began my career. I don’t think these changes are positive. I think kids are becoming more fragile and less capable of handling themselves in relationships of all kinds.

I’ve also read studies agreeing that teens today are having less sex and are having sex at later ages. This aligns with what I see. But I’ll take a controversial stance and say I see these statistics as the effects of deeper, more disturbing trends.

I hope my son finds a fulfilling relationship. He’s had relationship-like experiences with a few girls. But I worry for our kids overall. I do not think things are moving in a good direction.

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my take: one of the parents is also adhd or asd this the other parent has had to enable, and take over more of the child raising, house maintaining, and schedule maintaining plus “manage” the adhd spouse and adhd kid, thus looks “bossy.”
The kids see the dynamic as normal, healthy parent must “boss around” (really direct around) the unhealthy parent and the kids mirror this dynamic and role.

And of course the functional parent must become quite vigilant to make up for everything the dysfunctional parent forgets, misses, doesn’t think about or messes up.

It’s quite a sad cycle. Especially if healthy child only feels comfortable choosing unhealthy partners who need enabling and codependency.

That's a good theory. Insightful.

I wonder if PP who posted about her 2 kids would chime in to comment?

Here’s my take: one of the parents is also adhd or asd this the other parent has had to enable, and take over more of the child raising, house maintaining, and schedule maintaining plus “manage” the adhd spouse and adhd kid, thus looks “bossy.”
The kids see the dynamic as normal, healthy parent must “boss around” (really direct around) the unhealthy parent and the kids mirror this dynamic and role.

And of course the functional parent must become quite vigilant to make up for everything the dysfunctional parent forgets, misses, doesn’t think about or messes up.

It’s quite a sad cycle. Especially if healthy child only feels comfortable choosing unhealthy partners who need enabling and codependency.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No idea, but my daughter will need to find someone willing to live with BOSSY, and my son will need to find someone willing to take over scheduling/organizing/socializing, since he's a daydreaming introvert with ADHD.

I have 10 cousins. Besides me, only one of the ten is married with kids. Another two are married but no kids. The rest are in relationships but not married and no kids. We're all 35-50. It's weird.

No, your son will have to figure out how to hold it together. Women are looking to marry, not adopt grown men.

No one is perfect. Not even you, PP.

I love how they gloss over the bossy daughter and just straight to the problems with the son (even considering that the boy has a diagnosis!)

Sure, he'll need to learn how to organize his life.

But daughter will need to learn how to compromise and relinquish some control as well. To be honest, that's going to be a harder change for the daughter than the son.

PP. I said it especially because the boy has a diagnosis. This is what his mom sounds like: my son has a problem with X activity of daily living, so he needs to find a spouse to do it for him. Is the boy going to view the hypothetical spouse (most likely a wife) in question as a human or just an instrument to solve his needs?

If this makes me ableist, so be it.

Fair enough. My perspective is that the boy's diagnosis was viewed as something to address and remediate. He'll likely get the resources and tools to do that.

The girls character flaws are viewed as a personality trait.

When in reality, they are equally as dangerous to a relationship. She won't be looking for a partner; she'll be looking for a minion to boss around

I have more hope my queer son will find someone than my straight one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dream about my HFA son finding a HFA woman to marry. Kind of ironic as I know most people on here would hate a DIL like that.

I have an NT son and I would much prefer an HFA DIL to someone NT but high drama, selfish, with a host of family issues etc

Ok on the latter but why do you prefer an HFA DIL? Are you HFA? And your son has excellent executive functioning skills, caretaking skills and doesn’t need empathy or conversation?

Anonymous wrote:I dream about my HFA son finding a HFA woman to marry. Kind of ironic as I know most people on here would hate a DIL like that.

I think and AS/AS marriage without kids would work better than any other combo. Don’t worry about the general DIL, as your son is generally the same way.

Worst would be massive masking, marrying and having a kid or 2, hitting the proverbial wall, and the whole marriage blowing up and a custody fight with neuropsychs and bad ASD moments on record.