Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:43     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I need to know if I am out of line here. My brother left his now ex wife for another woman. In our family we refer to her as the mistress or side piece. We are still very fond of SIL and have stayed in touch and maintained a friendship.

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

I am hosting TG this year and mom is hosting Christmas. We told bro she is not invited and to leave her at home. I was kind of condescending when I told him. He said she is his girlfriend and we have no business banning her from family events. He says his kids barely speak to him and have refused to meet her and he has no choice but to accept their stance but we should be more supportive since we are his family.

I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. There would be a tension there. Bro is lucky he is still invited to family events. Are we in the wrong for not letting her attend since he is now divorced and his official GF. *gag*


Well, you lied to him. You said you didn't want her around until his divorce was final. Now you say you don't ever want to meet her or host her. So you are wrong for that.

I think you should tell him, "I'm still really upset with you for the way you ended your marriage and I judge GF for her role in it. She's in your life and I see that, but I don't want to be upset about this over Christmas and I doubt you want to bring her to a place where everyone is cold to her either. Let's give it another 6 months for tempers to cool."


You need to recognize that you all keep moving the goal posts. You need to decide if you want to cut off brother forever or not. If not, you have to accept GF.


I agree. You moved the goalposts once; you only get to do that so many times before he gives up. If you make him choose, he might not choose you, especially if he feels you were unfair or strung him along. You think you control how long you get to punish him, but at some point, he's going to walk away. You're not his mommy, it's not really your place to punish him, and you admit that you are rude and condescending. What will you do if he marries this woman or has kids with her? What will you do if he just stops coming to family events?
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:40     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.


+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:39     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.


She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.


She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.


If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.


If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?


As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

For those actually impacted, yes, it can take time. But for those offended on behalf of others, it’s past time to move on.


An extended family is not impacted? You have some strange views on this. I wonder why.

I wonder why your so invested with the exwife. Do you fear your husband may leave you?
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I didn’t speak to my dad for a year. Eventually I got over it. Ultimately, my sister looked up to AP as role model. I never did, but she was a good woman that stuck with my dad until he died.
You know what didn’t help? Aunts and uncles taking sides. It wasn’t their home that was destroyed. They had no idea what actually happened, but they felt a need to take sides.


I would resent my brother dictating who he can bring to my house. I currently like his wife more than him so the choice would be easy for me.

I would resent family not accepting my choices. They don’t have to like my choices, but they need to accept them.


You sound self centered.

You sound self centered. Brothers life has to be lived according to OPs wishes.


...obviously not, since I doubt OP wished him to have the affair. The gall most people have that you can do all this and then just stomp your feet and scream "respect my choices". Well your choices suck, and they have consequences. And you have to live with it until other people decide to invite you to their house.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:37     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that OP has not yet indicated whether they are willing to lose their relationship with their brother...


Yeah. I think she doesn’t like him anyway.


Great! Then she should be thanking him for finally giving her an excuse to cut him off. And the timing is perfect because his kids are old enough that she doesn’t need him to maintain the relationship. She can ditch her brother and blame him for the estrangement.

Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:35     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I need to know if I am out of line here. My brother left his now ex wife for another woman. In our family we refer to her as the mistress or side piece. We are still very fond of SIL and have stayed in touch and maintained a friendship.

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

I am hosting TG this year and mom is hosting Christmas. We told bro she is not invited and to leave her at home. I was kind of condescending when I told him. He said she is his girlfriend and we have no business banning her from family events. He says his kids barely speak to him and have refused to meet her and he has no choice but to accept their stance but we should be more supportive since we are his family.

I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. There would be a tension there. Bro is lucky he is still invited to family events. Are we in the wrong for not letting her attend since he is now divorced and his official GF. *gag*


Well, you lied to him. You said you didn't want her around until his divorce was final. Now you say you don't ever want to meet her or host her. So you are wrong for that.

I think you should tell him, "I'm still really upset with you for the way you ended your marriage and I judge GF for her role in it. She's in your life and I see that, but I don't want to be upset about this over Christmas and I doubt you want to bring her to a place where everyone is cold to her either. Let's give it another 6 months for tempers to cool."


You need to recognize that you all keep moving the goal posts. You need to decide if you want to cut off brother forever or not. If not,
you have to accept GF.


It's not forever, and yes OP moved the goalposts but brother can man up and be patient.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:32     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I need to know if I am out of line here. My brother left his now ex wife for another woman. In our family we refer to her as the mistress or side piece. We are still very fond of SIL and have stayed in touch and maintained a friendship.

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

I am hosting TG this year and mom is hosting Christmas. We told bro she is not invited and to leave her at home. I was kind of condescending when I told him. He said she is his girlfriend and we have no business banning her from family events. He says his kids barely speak to him and have refused to meet her and he has no choice but to accept their stance but we should be more supportive since we are his family.

I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. There would be a tension there. Bro is lucky he is still invited to family events. Are we in the wrong for not letting her attend since he is now divorced and his official GF. *gag*


Well, you lied to him. You said you didn't want her around until his divorce was final. Now you say you don't ever want to meet her or host her. So you are wrong for that.

I think you should tell him, "I'm still really upset with you for the way you ended your marriage and I judge GF for her role in it. She's in your life and I see that, but I don't want to be upset about this over Christmas and I doubt you want to bring her to a place where everyone is cold to her either. Let's give it another 6 months for tempers to cool."


You need to recognize that you all keep moving the goal posts. You need to decide if you want to cut off brother forever or not. If not, you have to accept GF.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:27     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.


She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.


She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.


If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.


If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?


As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

For those actually impacted, yes, it can take time. But for those offended on behalf of others, it’s past time to move on.


An extended family is not impacted? You have some strange views on this. I wonder why.

I wonder why your so invested with the exwife. Do you fear your husband may leave you?
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I didn’t speak to my dad for a year. Eventually I got over it. Ultimately, my sister looked up to AP as role model. I never did, but she was a good woman that stuck with my dad until he died.
You know what didn’t help? Aunts and uncles taking sides. It wasn’t their home that was destroyed. They had no idea what actually happened, but they felt a need to take sides.


I would resent my brother dictating who he can bring to my house. I currently like his wife more than him so the choice would be easy for me.

I would resent family not accepting my choices. They don’t have to like my choices, but they need to accept them.

DP. So then maybe his lazy ass should host something. I mean I feel like people are assuming because he’s a man that he’s entitled to just show up to thanksgiving celebration with nothing but a gf no one wants to see.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:24     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
I mean this probably won’t end well with your relationship with your brother. But I do understand your position.

However, no one is entitled to an invitation to someone else’s house. If you don’t want her to come to your thing that’s your business. Like I don’t get your brothers position it’s not his house, not his event, and not his guest list. If it’s important to him then maybe next year he can do the work of hosting and he can choose to invite.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:19     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Too much drama.

OP needs to stop contributing to the drama. She has plenty of opportunities to act intelligently to support her nieces and nephews, but this is not one of them. She’s making everything worse.






Exactly this. OP seems to think it's her place to "punish" the OW, and to a much lesser extent, her brother. OP, this isn't about you.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 16:08     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
I think it's fine to say the family holiday dinner is not the right time for this introduction. Maybe plan a dinner out between OP, her husband, her brother and his GF (a restaurant is nice, neutral territory). But the holidays already come with tensions and emotions and stress from cooking or hosting or wrapping gifts, etc. I can see that that situation would not be ideal for this.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 15:57     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
OP, you did the right thing but maybe the delivery was too harsh. Just tell him it's too soon to bring her to family events, but you will work on coming around. If he can't deal with that, he can host his own holiday dinner, invite people and see who shows up.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 15:49     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another sister in her brother's business and up his arse. Leave him be. Don't even invite him if you can't be civil to his girlfriend. (Sorry, babe; she's not a "mistress" or a "side piece" anymore. He is divorced and he has a girlfriend.)

Get a life, honestly. What is with you women who sniff around your brother's business all the time? And yes, I have a brother.


If it's an event at her house, it's her business. Outside of that, leave him alone.


I agree with this. After the tough year or so and finally being able to have holidays with family who needs this extra drama? What he wants to do on his own time is his business. He should respect his family's wishes.

The family actual wishes that exSIL and kids were coming over, and not the brother.
They need to be honest with him and not string him along that “someday” his GF will be included. They don’t intend to ever be nice to her.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 15:43     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another sister in her brother's business and up his arse. Leave him be. Don't even invite him if you can't be civil to his girlfriend. (Sorry, babe; she's not a "mistress" or a "side piece" anymore. He is divorced and he has a girlfriend.)

Get a life, honestly. What is with you women who sniff around your brother's business all the time? And yes, I have a brother.


If it's an event at her house, it's her business. Outside of that, leave him alone.


I agree with this. After the tough year or so and finally being able to have holidays with family who needs this extra drama? What he wants to do on his own time is his business. He should respect his family's wishes.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 15:43     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
How long have you suspected that your husband is banging someone else, OP?
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 15:39     Subject: Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.
Anonymous wrote:Another sister in her brother's business and up his arse. Leave him be. Don't even invite him if you can't be civil to his girlfriend. (Sorry, babe; she's not a "mistress" or a "side piece" anymore. He is divorced and he has a girlfriend.)

Get a life, honestly. What is with you women who sniff around your brother's business all the time? And yes, I have a brother.


If it's an event at her house, it's her business. Outside of that, leave him alone.