Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 18:08     Subject: Re:SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I would replied that way to my aunt as a teenager my mom would’ve slapped me upside the head.


Something to work through in therapy, not to be proud of, IMHO.


+1
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 17:17     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
1) SIL's offer was grotesque-ly rude

2) There were ways to politely convey that, and laughing in her face is not that, and two rudes don't make a right

3) It seems like not worth destroying a relationship with a sibling over

I would have your husband tell his daughter that she should apologize for the laughing (and only the laughing) while making it very clear that your SD is never obligated to work for her for any price
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 17:07     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If the girl is your stepdaughter you do nothing. It is up to her father (assume he is your DH) to address the issue.

There is no reason for a stepparent to get involved in disciplinary issues with a teen.

OP here. She is my step daughter but I love her as my own. I agree 100% with you. I do not get involved with disciplinary issues. That's her fathers responsibility.


The bold is what you should say to your SIL if she brings it up to you again. Your daughter was right to turn her down(so proud of her) BUT it was VERY rude of her to laugh in her face and walk off.


dp I think it is great she stood up for herself. $10 an hour for four kids is laughable!


A person can stand up for themselves without being a d#**## about it. SIL probably hasn’t gone on a date night in years and didn’t know what the going rate is. That’s not a reason to laugh at her, more especially given that she’s family.


SD was rude but maybe SIL is an annoying narc who deserves it. I think I’m right considering the insulting offer and the fact that she’s huffing about it still.


It seems like a big leap to call her a drug addict? Or a rat? I don't understand how you are using narc?
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 15:43     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Yeah, it was a little rude to laugh but that’s a really preposterous rate. Good for your stepdaughter to not let herself be used like that.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 15:33     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:I have a 16 year old daughter who babysits to earn extra spending money. I have 2 kids ages 5&7 and I give her first choice if she wants to babysit or not before I ask anyone else when I need after school care. I pay her $17/hour and she watches them anywhere from 2-15 hours a week. She sometimes does other babysitting jobs on the weekends and her weekend rates start at $20+/hour. This is the average rate for our area.

The issue started when SIL wanted a date night on a Friday night. They have FOUR kids ages 3,5,8 &10. My daughter said she would charge $25/hour with a 4 hour minimum. My SIL was shocked and said she was thinking more along the $10 hour range. My daughter laughed in her face and said she was not running a charity and wished her luck finding a babysitter for her cheap price. My daughter then proceeded to walk away laughing.

My SIL was furious and asked me how I could just stand there and let her be so disrespectful. I told her that my daughter viewed $10 an hour as an insult and she was trying to take advantage of her. I'm not going to punish her for standing up for herself. She then complained to my husband and he blew her off and told her to get over it and he did not care. She then goes crying to my brother. He said at minimum my daughter should apologize. I told him I don't think so.

This has caused a huge family drama with them. Am I in the wrong? Is my daughter in the wrong? If anyone should apologize it should be SIL for trying to take advantage of my daughter.


Although I agree your DD that $10 is not enough pay for that effort, your DD was disrespectful and should apologize. Your SIL may not have realized that $10/hr. is very little pay for that kind of work--or she may have been trying to get a family discount. Either way, your DD was disrespectful. She could have politely declined, explained that she is an experienced babysitter and has a rate for that many kids/hrs.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 15:31     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy when teenage girls, or even young women, don’t stand up for themselves or state clearly what they charge for things like babysitting.

Good for your daughter! Laughing in your sil’s face is rude but refusing to work for a really low amount of money is going to serve your daughter well in the long run.


This is what I think too! I'm so glad OP's daughter stood up for herself. Her reaction may have been harsh but no way would SIL react differently if she declined more gently. OP, DH and the daughter's mom are raising a strong woman.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 15:24     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
$25 an hour for babysitting for a teenager who isn't paying taxes, rent or feeding a family is absurd. Real issue is OP is using stepdaughter to parent her kids so OP doesn't want her to babysit and take away time from caring for her kids. OP is inappropriate in using this child was a babysitter.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2021 15:19     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:Good for your SD in knowing the worth of her time!

So many professional women still don't know this nor how to advocate for themselves.

I don't see her actions as rude. People are perceiving her actions as rude because she's female and females are supposed to be meek, accommodating, and apologetic.

If a teen boy had been asked to mow 4 acres of grass for $10 an hour and laughed while saying no, that's too low and not his rates, no one would have an issue, I guarantee.



I'm a feminist, too. If the girl in OP's post were a boy, I think people would have had similar concerns.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2021 19:04     Subject: Re:SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
I think your SIL is ashamed that she was called out for this ridiculous low ball offer and so decided to get fired up about decorum.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2021 17:44     Subject: Re:SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:If I would replied that way to my aunt as a teenager my mom would’ve slapped me upside the head.


Something to work through in therapy, not to be proud of, IMHO.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2021 11:58     Subject: Re:SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
If I would replied that way to my aunt as a teenager my mom would’ve slapped me upside the head.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2021 10:38     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
OP, you admitted in your follow up that you know your daughter could have handed it better. Instead of digging in your heels with your brother, why not just have a calm chat with her about how snark like that is unnecessary? Leave it up to her whether to address it again with her aunt, but you owe it to your daughter to explain to her that there are more polite ways to handle herself. Whether it’s a teacher or employer, people in her life will say things that she finds absurd or even rude, but there are kinder ways to respond. This is a teaching moment even if it’s not apology-worthy.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2021 10:19     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:My daughter laughed in her face and said she was not running a charity and wished her luck finding a babysitter for her cheap price. My daughter then proceeded to walk away laughing.


Some adult in her life needs to let your daughter know that she was both unprofessional and rude to a family member. It's great to recognize her own value, but it would have been more tactful for her to say that she charges $x and doesn't offer a family discount.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2021 10:06     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
You're SIL is an idiot and a jackass.

Your daughter's feeling were right but her behavior/expression of then was childish and rude. Somewhat understandable since she is 16, but probably not a bad idea to work with her on calmly exiting a situation like that. Your SIL is one thing, but in general it's wise not to aggravate someone who's acting crazy.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2021 09:38     Subject: SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful
Anonymous wrote:Your SIL lacks market awareness of going rate. Your daughter lacks tact.

Your SIL will learn the going rate. I hope your daughter learns tact.

No apologies needed- from anyone- but I'd avoid your daughter if I were SIL. Wouldn't need my kids 'learning' from her so she lucked out here to not need her services.

I'd like to think positive- but 16 is much too young to have an overinflated self-worth and to react in that way. This could go badly for her if she can't course-correct.


I agree. The step-daughter handled the request very poorly and her lack of manners is embarrassing. That speaks to her upbringing with OP and her DH. I hope that the step-daughter has an opportunity to find better role models so that she can change her behaviors to be more acceptable otherwise she is going to find life challenging in the future.