Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn to forgive yourself for lack of perfection.
Seek therapy if needed. Is this how you want to live?

No - but I wake up with an intention to have a nice day which does not work out by the end of the day.
Guaranteed.
I accomplished more than I planned work-wise today so I found something else to be really mad about - that we got flooded… probably because we picked the wrong house… probably because the spouse actually bought it without my opinion….

This is just one example…

Therapy will make me a weak person which will make me feel even worse. It means I could not cope with something on my own!

Oh OP, you're just making yourself miserable by thinking this way. You are choosing these beliefs and, be honest now, there's a part of you that feels virtuous because you're being so hard on yourself. I used to feel this way when I was young and lots of therapy helped me see that I was torturing myself as a way to prove I was important.

Now I'm 66 and finding my 60s to be a wonderful time of life, so I doubt what you're struggling with is a problem of age. Please get help. You don't have to live this way. I wish you the best and hope things get better soon!

I think I have evolved. As I mentioned in previous post I was codependent. I also think I enabled a lot of taking advantage and poor behavior. I have better boundaries now and I save my kindness and empathy for those who truly deserve it. I don't get sucked into dramas anymore. I reserve my energy for loved ones, not people who treat me terribly, but I am supposed to love and be a servant too because they are family. My elderly mother would tell you I am so mean for not meeting her every demand. I burned out from her years ago and learned yet another lesson in detachment and boundaries. I am in her life, but will no longer set myself on fire to keep her warm which makes me mean in her eyes, but no longer in mine.

The older you get the more you have seen and experienced. After trying to hold everyone’s sh*t together, you no longer care. You just want to be left alone or be only with people who have their stuff together.

Anonymous wrote:I used to think I was nicer. I n ow realize I was codependent. I had poor boundaries and would do anything for anyone searching for approval. Now I have boundaries and am there for my family and those who mean the most to me. I am less of a people pleaser. I can smell manipulation and I run.

I posted earlier that I am less patient, but you raise a good point about what is "nice." Younger me was deeply committed to going out of my way to help others, including friends, co-workers, and community-based organizations. I still have some energy for those efforts, but I have learned to set better boundaries and to prioritize my own family's needs. Truth be told, some of my "yes" and "no" decisions are based on my judgment of worthiness, which wasn't always the case when I was younger. In middle age and perimenopause, my tolerance for self-sacrifice in efforts to bail out irresponsible people has definitely dwindled. I'm still a nice person, but am more willing to say "no."

I used to think I was nicer. I n ow realize I was codependent. I had poor boundaries and would do anything for anyone searching for approval. Now I have boundaries and am there for my family and those who mean the most to me. I am less of a people pleaser. I can smell manipulation and I run.

I was so mean when I was younger. I thought the world was black and white and really had a mentality that once you sinned you were going to hell. It was a terrible way to be. I am much kinder now to others and .yself. I think a lot of it was how I was raised--it was a very conservative home. Therapy helps a lot!

I am much more forgiving of my friends, now that we are all older. When they forget something, I think, "well, we're all getting forgetful". That's my first thought rather than taking offense if they don't remember a detail, important to me, of our last conversation.

I'm only bitter because even though my career went as I had planned, I had no idea how expensive life was and thus my spouse is stuck in a soul crushing job I can't earn enough to free them from.

If it was just my life, I'd be very happy, but providing for the family has not panned out and I wish I had been more money driven earlier.

Also, I used to be much more environmental, but with so many shifts and backtracks (reusable mug manufacture and washing has bigger carbon foot print than disposable paper coffee cups for example) have soured me to making sacrifices for the environment. I'm much more of the mind it is out of consumers hands, and anything we do reduce environmental impact is quickly washed away by industry and other countries.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, why?

How is it that some people manage to keep their nice despite life-happens and others don’t?

My theory is that as you age you simply become unable to keep a lid on what you truly are. If you have a negative outlook, that’s all coming out. If you are mean or unpleasant, it’s only going to get so much worse. If you are nice or pleasant, you will become nicer and more pleasant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too find myself angrier as I age, but not so much at myself. My previous attitude of live at let live, be your best fabulous self, has steadily given way to a complete lack of sympathy toward people who choose to live dumpster fire lives and then yell oppression whenever anyone tries to help them.

Yep. Me too. I just to think being a nice, caring person was a good thing. The more I hear that it's not, the more exhausted and unsympathetic I become.

I feel the same way. Literally cannot be friends or around people who want to complain endlessly about things they could absolutely change.

I'm in my fifties and while still not nice - I am much nicer and less bitter then I used to be. I still have some regrets but I have a lot of gratitude now for what I do have. I realize some of that is pure luck, some of it was good judgement on my part - but point being - it's not worse for everyone!!!

I feel the opposite. I am much less judgemental now and have a more nuanced understanding of people and situations. I tend the see the good and beauty in everyone. Now I don't know if that will change as I become older and be faced with other hardships. So far the challenges and hard times I have encountered only made me a better person, although I did lose parts of myself along the way.

I'm in my late 40s too and feel the opposite. I think I am nicer and kinder now than I was when I was young. Back then I felt like everyone owed me things, I was never happy or satisfied with what I had. I hit rock bottom and almost lost everything. So I changed and learned to appreciate all that I have and learned to healthily move on from the negatives.

I learned the only person responsible for my happiness is me. So if you're not happy (or feeling bitter or angry often) then make a change if you don't want to continue to feel that way. I know it sounds simple yet is hard, but it is worth the effort. I started with therapy and journaling.

These are things I'm currently dealing with: the start of menopause; a terminally ill in-law; my parents need to downsize/move and won't take any action; a renovation; my unvaccinated kid in school every day; a family secret that came to light recently; the Covid 15; my body aching in general; and more. So it's not like my life is unicorns and rainbows right now, but I only feel anger occasionally. I feel pretty thankful for all of the positives in my life.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, why?

How is it that some people manage to keep their nice despite life-happens and others don’t?

Born or married into money helps a LOT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we were naïve when younger. you think it's bad now, wait until you get to late 50s or older. you will be 100000x bitter

Yikes why?
I am going to guess;

Unaccomplished goals?
Stuck in dead-end jobs?
Extra weight/losing good looks?
No romance?
Caring for elderly relatives and feeling stuck?
Dealing with teens/young adult children's issues?

This doesn't sound good at all.

It's all of that and it's none of that... Life stress along with recognition of your own limited shelf life on early, makes you less patient, more eager to express your frustration and anger. Also, on top of all that, add your body starts to giving out. Yeah, it sucks.