Anonymous wrote:I think you’re a shit person for having an affair, and I think infidelity is its own form of abuse, but I also think that in no way excuses or justifies the abuse committed against you.

Get out and work on yourself to become a better person and to create better boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

BTW, your AP has sold. you a sob story about his life to justify his relationship with you. When I read my now exDH’s emails to his AP, they were full of the same kind of “I am stuck in this marriage” rhetoric you describe. But, the reality we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the affair, he begged me to stay. Even after I ended things, he he worked for a couple more years trying to get me to reconcile, but I refused.

APs (both you and your AP) have serious character flaws. They lie, manipulate, engage in delusional thinking, and create double lives and fantasies. Your AP is manipulating and abusing you in a way that is different from your husband’s abuse.

Again, please get out and get therapy and abstain from relationships for a couple of years while you work on yourself.

Op here, yes I understand all this. As I said the affair is long over. I’m totally aware of the duplicity/cowardice/escapism/delusion/dissociation/living in my head involved. I’d never lived a double life before (except with my husband who abuses me privately and maintains a public facade…so prototypical). I have a tendency towards irresponsibility and dreaminess. This triggers my husband to crack down and again makes me defend his abuse.

Re: AP he never gave me a sob story. His home life had been sufficiently happy. He had not a trace of self-pity. I’ve never known anyone as un-self-pitying. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I admired that about him. He had lost a parent to cancer at a young age and felt life was short, we should focus on the positive, and although he fought/worked hard for his life no one “deserves” anything. He helped me mature in that way, contradictory as that sounds.

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re a shit person for having an affair, and I think infidelity is its own form of abuse, but I also think that in no way excuses or justifies the abuse committed against you.

Get out and work on yourself to become a better person and to create better boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

BTW, your AP has sold. you a sob story about his life to justify his relationship with you. When I read my now exDH’s emails to his AP, they were full of the same kind of “I am stuck in this marriage” rhetoric you describe. But, the reality we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the affair, he begged me to stay. Even after I ended things, he he worked for a couple more years trying to get me to reconcile, but I refused.

APs (both you and your AP) have serious character flaws. They lie, manipulate, engage in delusional thinking, and create double lives and fantasies. Your AP is manipulating and abusing you in a way that is different from your husband’s abuse.

Again, please get out and get therapy and abstain from relationships for a couple of years while you work on yourself.

100%. All of this!

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? If so, ages?

That would only be more reason to put distance between them and that husband.

I think you’re a shit person for having an affair, and I think infidelity is its own form of abuse, but I also think that in no way excuses or justifies the abuse committed against you.

Get out and work on yourself to become a better person and to create better boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

BTW, your AP has sold. you a sob story about his life to justify his relationship with you. When I read my now exDH’s emails to his AP, they were full of the same kind of “I am stuck in this marriage” rhetoric you describe. But, the reality we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the affair, he begged me to stay. Even after I ended things, he he worked for a couple more years trying to get me to reconcile, but I refused.

APs (both you and your AP) have serious character flaws. They lie, manipulate, engage in delusional thinking, and create double lives and fantasies. Your AP is manipulating and abusing you in a way that is different from your husband’s abuse.

Again, please get out and get therapy and abstain from relationships for a couple of years while you work on yourself.

The point being 99% of these married men these “abused” married women are cheating with are emotionally, psychologically and/or possibly verbally abusing their own wives. These aren’t good men giving them a lifeline for gods sakes. They are narcissists, liars and manipulators. And, these women cheaters are ultimately unintentionally very seriously harming another married woman with their actions. Most men in affairs escalate their nitpicking, abusive, critical behavior while in an affair. They are downright a-holes, exploding over nothing at their wives and kids.

And, YES, Mr.Perfect f—bng, charming wonderful is not showing you his true side. Nothing coming out of his mouth can be believed.

I was in the exact same situation. Leave the marriage. There is zero excuse for abuse and while infidelity isn’t the answer, it also highlights how broken things are. Even our therapists made it clear that abuse is in a league of its own. While I wish I had the strength to get out before my affair, the truth is that I didn’t and it took the affair for me to realize I was being abused. It became my lifeline. In fact, I never even saw it as abuse before… I only made excuses for my ex by saying he was a “good guy with anger issues” or maybe had untreated adhd. But no. He was just someone who chose to manipulate me through rage, sex, and verbal abuse. If I had the strength to leave instead of cheat, I would have also had the strength to leave because he was abusive. But all I can say is you live and learn and hindsight is 20/20. When I finally told my friends specifics of how he was behind closed doors (because he was Mr Perfect in front of others), the reactions on their faces showed me that my ‘normal’ wasn’t in fact normal at all. I normalized abuse. An affair helped me see that. Bottom line is the marriage is unhealthy and harmful and no matter what you shouldn’t stay in it. Abusers lack empathy and don’t change: they just learn to manipulate in a new way.

This was all ages ago. It’s long over. Was just responding to the people above who said he must be a major league ahole at home. I wasn’t there of course, but it seems not to be the case. Does not excuse the cheating obviously.

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think so. It is pretty hard to keep that under wraps for years on end with someone with whom you have a strong emotional tie. I mean he did have some arrogance in seeing himself as the prime mover in their relationship and undervalued her contribution, at least to me. I was once in their home and you couldn’t even tell she lived there. I don’t think he could have been a tremendous day to day ahole though, as they were a very effective parenting team. I think it was more like he just didn’t find anyone better for him than her, had lowered his expectations of romantic love, found her comfortable and devoted, liked the stability and eventually married her in his late 40s when he finally decided to have kids with her. When I knew him it seemed caring but loveless on his part. He was protective of her, that is how their relationship started. They had ordinary LTR/marriage grievances, nothing to cheat over. They both loved their family. It was more that he unexpectedly discovered someone else (me) who seemed just right for him when he wasn’t looking—but too late for the choices he had already made.

You need to divorce. Wtf does this have to do with the “awful” abuse you are going through? You are playing some beautiful mental gymnastics. All-around competition.

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think so. It is pretty hard to keep that under wraps for years on end with someone with whom you have a strong emotional tie. I mean he did have some arrogance in seeing himself as the prime mover in their relationship and undervalued her contribution, at least to me. I was once in their home and you couldn’t even tell she lived there. I don’t think he could have been a tremendous day to day ahole though, as they were a very effective parenting team. I think it was more like he just didn’t find anyone better for him than her, had lowered his expectations of romantic love, found her comfortable and devoted, liked the stability and eventually married her in his late 40s when he finally decided to have kids with her. When I knew him it seemed caring but loveless on his part. He was protective of her, that is how their relationship started. They had ordinary LTR/marriage grievances, nothing to cheat over. They both loved their family. It was more that he unexpectedly discovered someone else (me) who seemed just right for him when he wasn’t looking—but too late for the choices he had already made.

Oh god. What a frickin’ cliche. Do you hear yourself? You are like every delusional OW out there. Lol

I really don’t think so. It is pretty hard to keep that under wraps for years on end with someone with whom you have a strong emotional tie. I mean he did have some arrogance in seeing himself as the prime mover in their relationship and undervalued her contribution, at least to me. I was once in their home and you couldn’t even tell she lived there. I don’t think he could have been a tremendous day to day ahole though, as they were a very effective parenting team. I think it was more like he just didn’t find anyone better for him than her, had lowered his expectations of romantic love, found her comfortable and devoted, liked the stability and eventually married her in his late 40s when he finally decided to have kids with her. When I knew him it seemed caring but loveless on his part. He was protective of her, that is how their relationship started. They had ordinary LTR/marriage grievances, nothing to cheat over. They both loved their family. It was more that he unexpectedly discovered someone else (me) who seemed just right for him when he wasn’t looking—but too late for the choices he had already made.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both suck

Get divorced, get therapy, stay away from AP

An AP is just another toxic person.

+1,000

Broken people fall for broken people. He definitely was not a prince charming, the abusive pr*ck is cheating on his wife. FFS.

Most likely worse to his own wife than OP’s husband is to her. Cheating men usually are emotionally abusive, critical, control freak, entitled a-holes to their wives. It’s how they justify the cheating/lying in their own minds.

Anonymous wrote:You both suck

Get divorced, get therapy, stay away from AP

An AP is just another toxic person.

+1,000

Broken people fall for broken people. He definitely was not a prince charming, the abusive pr*ck is cheating on his wife. FFS.

You both suck

Get divorced, get therapy, stay away from AP

An AP is just another toxic person.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? If so, ages?

This doesn’t matter. Kids shouldn’t be in an environment where there is abuse going on (the exception is of course if you are staying to make sure a spouse who is abusive to the kids doesn’t get them alone half the time).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infidelity is not an excuse for abuse. Nothing is. Clearly this is a highly toxic and unhappy relationship. Why don't you end it?

Nor the other way around.

She needs to get out ASAP and never look back.

+1

So often they cheat with married men and help to traumatize another woman/family. Most likely her AP was a real d*ck to his own wife while being nice to her.

Just get out. No infidelity, no putting up with abuse, stand up to the issues and either have him get help or get out. Sounds like 'get out' is what's needed.

OMG. This is so true. It’s pretty ironic they think AP is g-damn Prince Charming .