I’m sorry this will only get worse especially with the addition of grandchildren…. It is hopeless

OP, you need to get a great job across the country or abroad. Distance is the only thing that will solve this.

Also, how old are you?

I would be tempted to divorce and start over. Kids with this man will be a disaster.

Why are people waiting to deal with this sort of thing years into a marriage? I don't understand how you date and marry someone without addressing such important issues.

To the pp in this thread who was in a similar situation and said she changed after her husband made an ultimatum, well he got lucky. People usually don't change. Maybe the OP of this thread should do the some thing. But if you do issue an ultimatum be prepared to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

Super helpful.

OP isn’t married to his mom, she is married to a grown man and he is the only person that can choose which lane to be in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP when you married him you knew this. How were you expecting to deal with it? Do that.

Op here. To be fair, we were 26/27 when we married and I thought he’d grow up and over it.

In other words, you thought you could change him. For future reference, that never happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

You clearly have not met most Indian mothers and their sons.

Sadly this is true in many cases with Indian families. In my case, I am the daughter of Indian parents but married to a non-Indian with a (luckily) very functional family. In my case, my brother and parents are extremely codependent and expect the same from me, though I have my own family. My brother is unmarried and childless, and has intertwined himself so completely with my parents, that I always fall short of ‘being there’ for my family. In hindsight, my mom set the scene for this dynamic when we were children, that we must always be there for our blood family and any amount of abusive behavior should be forgiven, because ‘he is your brother’.

My husband has been frustrated with this dynamic for years. My family has always dictated the terms of our interactions and admittedly, I fed into this dynamic and was part of the dysfunction, mostly because I was afraid of upsetting my mom and brother.

Finally, my husband had to basically issue an ultimatum and while I was initially upset, it helped me realize how dysfunctional my family dynamic is and that something has to change if I want to stay married. So I started drawing boundaries with my parents and brother, and as you can imagine, this has not gone over well with anyone. My brother decided I am useless in his life and my parents still cater to his emotional outbursts, but since I have taken myself out of the equation, slowly things have started to change. There have been many bumps in the road, but I am hopeful that things will get better over time for everyone.

I wanted to tell you as someone in your husbands position, that it is possible for the dynamic to change if he is willing to really look at his own behavior. It was very painful for me but I had to realize that it was very unfair to my husband and kids to continue with the dysfunctional dynamic.

Hugs, this is very difficult and we don’t always know when we get married how things will turn out, it’s not always easy to say no to someone because they have a difficult relationship with their family. I hope you are able to find some resolution but I definitely think drawing boundaries, at least with your own behavior/reactions is a start. In my husbands case, he simply started saying no to requests, and I eventually came around to doing the same.

OP, this dynamic is never going to change because your husband is okay with his mom being the boss. There is only hope if you and him are on the same page and that’s not the case here. No amount of counseling or therapy will help because your husband doesn’t see any of this as a problem, instead he sees you as the problem. Are you prepared to put up with a whole lifetime like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you doing about? Have you spoken with your husband? What has been his reaction?

Op here. He thinks I am biased against his mom and it’s disrespectful of me to accuse him of being controlled by his mom. I often correctly figure out hes mae a decision because his mom advised him or told him to and when I call him out on it he gets angry and says I’m picking on him.

Basically he trusts his mom and likes to defer to her. The idea of saying no to her is unbearable to him and he’s screamed at me when I’ve asked him to do something differently or tell his mom no.

For example, his mother wants us and our puppy + she and her husband and their dog, to travel together to NC for thanksgiving in one car. She has decided this and he has agreed. I do NoT want us all to travel together since we are staying together in the beach house anyway and would like some privacy.

He and she have already determined the itinerary she has determined we do not need two cars since we’re heading in the same direction.

Tell him one car will be perfect since you and your dog are not going.

This. You need to start standing up for yourself. And go to therapy to figure out why you decided to marry someone who you knew who came from a toxic family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you doing about? Have you spoken with your husband? What has been his reaction?

Op here. He thinks I am biased against his mom and it’s disrespectful of me to accuse him of being controlled by his mom. I often correctly figure out hes mae a decision because his mom advised him or told him to and when I call him out on it he gets angry and says I’m picking on him.

Basically he trusts his mom and likes to defer to her. The idea of saying no to her is unbearable to him and he’s screamed at me when I’ve asked him to do something differently or tell his mom no.

For example, his mother wants us and our puppy + she and her husband and their dog, to travel together to NC for thanksgiving in one car. She has decided this and he has agreed. I do NoT want us all to travel together since we are staying together in the beach house anyway and would like some privacy.

He and she have already determined the itinerary she has determined we do not need two cars since we’re heading in the same direction.

Tell him one car will be perfect since you and your dog are not going.

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you doing about? Have you spoken with your husband? What has been his reaction?

Op here. He thinks I am biased against his mom and it’s disrespectful of me to accuse him of being controlled by his mom. I often correctly figure out hes mae a decision because his mom advised him or told him to and when I call him out on it he gets angry and says I’m picking on him.

Basically he trusts his mom and likes to defer to her. The idea of saying no to her is unbearable to him and he’s screamed at me when I’ve asked him to do something differently or tell his mom no.

For example, his mother wants us and our puppy + she and her husband and their dog, to travel together to NC for thanksgiving in one car. She has decided this and he has agreed. I do NoT want us all to travel together since we are staying together in the beach house anyway and would like some privacy.

He and she have already determined the itinerary she has determined we do not need two cars since we’re heading in the same direction.

OP what are you doing about? Have you spoken with your husband? What has been his reaction?

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

Super helpful.

I really hope he can grow and develop into more independence, OP. This definitely sounds unhealthy, and I say this as a former unwilling participant in my mother's smothering and controlling style of parenting.

Perhaps therapy? I don't know if he can find a good one, though. Therapy has not worked for me.

OP: Do you have an arranged marriage?

You are in America now and you are free.

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of adult men I think this is the mothers failure to raise a boy into an independent man. I’ve seen this happen with friends and I think it is a form of mental abuse. It is our job as parents to be out of a job.

As one of my sons would say, “I’m a grown ass married man”

Mom needs to “stay in her lane”.

You clearly have not met most Indian mothers and their sons.