Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you could bridge over the next few years with more nanny care. Get a weekend nanny when your DH travels. If he feels he is too old, I wouldn't push him, but the really physically active part of parenting will ease up in 6 years or so and the nanny can take on a lot of it. If he truly wants the baby it's not insurmountable.

Having an older parent can be socially awkward, especially if he's not healthy. But I think the worst way it is hard because it may thrust them into eldercare and loss at a young age when they're not ready to handle it.

Here's the thing about the adult children, though. They might not be less time-intensive than they are now. What happens when they have children of their own and want your DH to be the doting grandpa? Or what if a real actual problem crops up that requires more than occasional visits? How will you feel about all of this?

Honestly, I don't really understand why you would marry someone with adult children if it bothers you that he would visit them. How often does he actually visit them? Would you feel better about it if he didn't travel for work?

All too often in second marriages, there just isn't enough Dad to go around. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough attention. But the new wife is young and naive, doesn't know much about parenting older children and young adults. The DH wants the new wife, wants the new kids, wants everyone to be happy, but he's just not able to meet everyone's expectations. That's the way it goes.

All this. There is some social awkwardness, but it's more things like a dad who needs more care himself or doesn't have the energy to be really available during childhood and adolescence. You might not be chasing your teen around the playground, but they still need time and attention and energy as they move into adulthood. And if your spouse gets sick or injured or otherwise needs more intensive care, your kids may be pushed into being caregivers, or you may not have enough bandwidth for both spousal and child care. Saving for college so close to retirement is hard. My husband is older, and he's active and in good health, but he just doesn't have the energy he had even ten years ago.

And having a second kid because your husband already spends too much time and resources (in your opinion) on his other kids is not a solution. There will just be less time and attention and resources to go around. And then his kids have children, and he's trying to be a dad to his little kids and a grandfather to his grandkids, so he's either spread even thinner or someone gets the shaft (or thinks they do) and feels resentful.

It seems like OP is already at the point of feeling resentful. I do think with school-age children, it's less crushingly exhausting and boring to be alone for the weekend, and with two they might self-entertain better than an only. But overall this is the gist of it.

OP, what are your DH's retirement plans? If he stops working, or steps down to a less travel-intensive job, then maybe he could effectively be the father of 4 and grandfather of however many. But then there might not be enough money. See how this situation just kind of boxes people in? That's what happens when people have more children than they can actually handle. There isn't a good solution.

Yeah, if you think he expends too many resources on his adult kids, it's only going to get worse if he retires and has less income (just as your kids are entering college). If you just wish he was around more, it might help, although if his kids have kids, he may want to spend time with his grandkids.

OP here. I accept that he treats his adult children well. Things come up from time to time that hurt, but I recognize that I chose this life. We aren’t pinching pennies and we can afford childcare, but we also aren’t uber wealthy, and there are trade offs and in some instances, conflicting priorities.

A big part of me feels that I’d regret not having a second child, but the reality is we might not be able to handle it.

OP, if you and your DH are healthy….go for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you could bridge over the next few years with more nanny care. Get a weekend nanny when your DH travels. If he feels he is too old, I wouldn't push him, but the really physically active part of parenting will ease up in 6 years or so and the nanny can take on a lot of it. If he truly wants the baby it's not insurmountable.

Having an older parent can be socially awkward, especially if he's not healthy. But I think the worst way it is hard because it may thrust them into eldercare and loss at a young age when they're not ready to handle it.

Here's the thing about the adult children, though. They might not be less time-intensive than they are now. What happens when they have children of their own and want your DH to be the doting grandpa? Or what if a real actual problem crops up that requires more than occasional visits? How will you feel about all of this?

Honestly, I don't really understand why you would marry someone with adult children if it bothers you that he would visit them. How often does he actually visit them? Would you feel better about it if he didn't travel for work?

All too often in second marriages, there just isn't enough Dad to go around. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough attention. But the new wife is young and naive, doesn't know much about parenting older children and young adults. The DH wants the new wife, wants the new kids, wants everyone to be happy, but he's just not able to meet everyone's expectations. That's the way it goes.

All this. There is some social awkwardness, but it's more things like a dad who needs more care himself or doesn't have the energy to be really available during childhood and adolescence. You might not be chasing your teen around the playground, but they still need time and attention and energy as they move into adulthood. And if your spouse gets sick or injured or otherwise needs more intensive care, your kids may be pushed into being caregivers, or you may not have enough bandwidth for both spousal and child care. Saving for college so close to retirement is hard. My husband is older, and he's active and in good health, but he just doesn't have the energy he had even ten years ago.

And having a second kid because your husband already spends too much time and resources (in your opinion) on his other kids is not a solution. There will just be less time and attention and resources to go around. And then his kids have children, and he's trying to be a dad to his little kids and a grandfather to his grandkids, so he's either spread even thinner or someone gets the shaft (or thinks they do) and feels resentful.

It seems like OP is already at the point of feeling resentful. I do think with school-age children, it's less crushingly exhausting and boring to be alone for the weekend, and with two they might self-entertain better than an only. But overall this is the gist of it.

OP, what are your DH's retirement plans? If he stops working, or steps down to a less travel-intensive job, then maybe he could effectively be the father of 4 and grandfather of however many. But then there might not be enough money. See how this situation just kind of boxes people in? That's what happens when people have more children than they can actually handle. There isn't a good solution.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you could bridge over the next few years with more nanny care. Get a weekend nanny when your DH travels. If he feels he is too old, I wouldn't push him, but the really physically active part of parenting will ease up in 6 years or so and the nanny can take on a lot of it. If he truly wants the baby it's not insurmountable.

Having an older parent can be socially awkward, especially if he's not healthy. But I think the worst way it is hard because it may thrust them into eldercare and loss at a young age when they're not ready to handle it.

Here's the thing about the adult children, though. They might not be less time-intensive than they are now. What happens when they have children of their own and want your DH to be the doting grandpa? Or what if a real actual problem crops up that requires more than occasional visits? How will you feel about all of this?

Honestly, I don't really understand why you would marry someone with adult children if it bothers you that he would visit them. How often does he actually visit them? Would you feel better about it if he didn't travel for work?

All too often in second marriages, there just isn't enough Dad to go around. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough attention. But the new wife is young and naive, doesn't know much about parenting older children and young adults. The DH wants the new wife, wants the new kids, wants everyone to be happy, but he's just not able to meet everyone's expectations. That's the way it goes.

All this. There is some social awkwardness, but it's more things like a dad who needs more care himself or doesn't have the energy to be really available during childhood and adolescence. You might not be chasing your teen around the playground, but they still need time and attention and energy as they move into adulthood. And if your spouse gets sick or injured or otherwise needs more intensive care, your kids may be pushed into being caregivers, or you may not have enough bandwidth for both spousal and child care. Saving for college so close to retirement is hard. My husband is older, and he's active and in good health, but he just doesn't have the energy he had even ten years ago.

And having a second kid because your husband already spends too much time and resources (in your opinion) on his other kids is not a solution. There will just be less time and attention and resources to go around. And then his kids have children, and he's trying to be a dad to his little kids and a grandfather to his grandkids, so he's either spread even thinner or someone gets the shaft (or thinks they do) and feels resentful.

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you expect that your DH would visit your children when they become adults? And expend "resources" on them? It's not such a bad thing, you know? If you want your children to be treated well, you have to accept that he's going to treat all his children well.

Or does it bother you that he's doing things with his adult children that he'll be too old to do with your children?

On the up side, your kids get a full-time, live-in dad and married parents. They got to be children of divorce, and they'll be ACOD for the rest of their lives.

OP, do you expect that your DH would visit your children when they become adults? And expend "resources" on them? It's not such a bad thing, you know? If you want your children to be treated well, you have to accept that he's going to treat all his children well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out.

Or someone else might argue that if he hadn't remarried and had more children, there'd be no one trying to keep score to determine what is excessive generosity from parent to child.

What are the "resources"? If there's enough money for a night nanny, seems like you aren't exactly pinching pennies even so.

Anonymous wrote: time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out.

Or someone else might argue that if he hadn't remarried and had more children, there'd be no one trying to keep score to determine what is excessive generosity from parent to child.

Anonymous wrote:You are not old (I had my second at 38). Your DH, oth, is too old. Your DH would be 70 when your kid turns 18.

And I say this as someone whose DH was 44 when the second was born, and that was on the cusp.

+1 Your husband will be an old parent, which means less energy and an increased risk of health issues. Personally, we stopped at one for this reason.

It sounds like you could bridge over the next few years with more nanny care. Get a weekend nanny when your DH travels. If he feels he is too old, I wouldn't push him, but the really physically active part of parenting will ease up in 6 years or so and the nanny can take on a lot of it. If he truly wants the baby it's not insurmountable.

Having an older parent can be socially awkward, especially if he's not healthy. But I think the worst way it is hard because it may thrust them into eldercare and loss at a young age when they're not ready to handle it.

Here's the thing about the adult children, though. They might not be less time-intensive than they are now. What happens when they have children of their own and want your DH to be the doting grandpa? Or what if a real actual problem crops up that requires more than occasional visits? How will you feel about all of this?

Honestly, I don't really understand why you would marry someone with adult children if it bothers you that he would visit them. How often does he actually visit them? Would you feel better about it if he didn't travel for work?

All too often in second marriages, there just isn't enough Dad to go around. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough attention. But the new wife is young and naive, doesn't know much about parenting older children and young adults. The DH wants the new wife, wants the new kids, wants everyone to be happy, but he's just not able to meet everyone's expectations. That's the way it goes.

So, my age is not an issue, but DH might be too old? Anybody out there have kids with an older spouse want to share their experience? I don't think I care if DH can keep up with our kids in a tennis match or on the ski slopes when they are teenagers. I do care if a future child would suffer in other ways for having an older dad, so what are all the ways they might suffer? Is it socially awkward to have older parents? Is it the emotional burden of knowing that your parent may not be around for your wedding or to meet your grandchildren, or worrying that you'll have to live in this world without both of your parents for longer than others?

Also,

Anonymous wrote: Can you share more about the marital stresses that come up around the adult kids?

Stressors that I think are typical of blended families like ours. I think they boil down to time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out. I understand from the perspective DH's adult kids that DH's new wife and child take away time and resources from them, so there's just a division there that might never go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you nor your DH are too old. I'd worry more about your other concerns, such as about your DH's availability for all his kids. But from what you say it sounds like you're aware of and prepared to manage those (and already are) so if you want a second child, I say go for it.

52 IS old age to have a child. Sperm quality decreases with age.

IMO it's not that just.. it's the fact that your DH would be too old to really be engaged with a young child. My kids are teens, and DH is in his late 50s. He's fit, but he is still starting to feel it, and in a couple of years, he won't be able to keep up with our teens. My DH realizes that this was the price for having kids when he was in his 40s.

When OP's #2 is 15 her DH will almost 70. He's more like the kid's grandfather than father, and will engage with the kid like a grandpa.

BS. Your concerns are ableist and beyond wrong. A paralyzed dad can't play ball with his son, but he can still be a great dad. A dad in his 20s can be out of shape and have more trouble keeping up with kids than a fit 65 year old dad.

Anonymous wrote:I’m 38. DH is 52. We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well. We both work and have good incomes and savings. My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback). I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do. DH is healthy and active. He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?

np Don't expect adult children to have a relationship with a two year old1 Your child is an only! If he wants another kid and you do too than what is the problem? You might be stuck at home with two kids while he visits his kids but, I think that is great he tries to keep a relationship with them.

I was 38 for my second and did not feel too old but my husband is 5 years younger. My cousin’s husband was like yours (much older kid from previous marriage and he was 50+ when they had their second together) and I have to say, now that they have an 8 yo and 3 yo he seems like he is *really* feeling it. I would decide whether you jointly feel energized and motivated to do the baby/toddler phase again and weigh that seriously.