Anonymous wrote:How would you approach a co-worker or friend about something they forgot? Just because you are married, doesn't mean you can forget to respect each other.

Performance improvement plan for 3 months. Then decision day.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get arguing. We discuss things, sometimes with expressed emotion, but never disrespectfully or immaturely. We also admit to mistakes, and apologize, and forgive. We control our tempers. We speak respectfully to each other, especially when we are upset about something, often using humor to chill the mood.

Not pulling your weight: not OK. Forgetting and needing a reminder, fine, just admit, apologize, and get to it.

Berating another person: not OK. Reminding someone and expressing your thoughts/feelings about the oversight in an adult manner: fine.

+1.

And get an executive functioning coach or adhd meds if this is chronic forgetting

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, what is the best way for your husbands to respond when being berated if they forget to do a chore? Is being silent and walking away easiest and best?

Huh? He’s berating you for him not doing what he agreed to do? Wtf?

He needs therapy to learn to communication. If he’s developmentally mature enough.

Walking away will just put further distance between you and your spouse. Communication needs to happen. Letting them know first that you are sorry you forgot then ask them how you can make it up to them. Next time you might want to try to do something that will remind yourself to do that chore. Our spouses need encouragement too. Thank your spouse regularly and be specific about how much you appreciate what they are doing to take care of your household. Your spouse may be feeling underappreciated and overwhelmed which is why they attacked. I've been there. There is a great book called the Five Love Languages it helps us understand what our spouses need from us. 

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my spouse ever started to berate me, I would walk away. That's not how mature and mentally healthy people act

It’s also not mature to just walk away.

It's absolutely okay and mature to walk away from someone verbally abusing you

No that’s responding by giving somebody the silent treatment. Unless you say something like “I’m too upset now to have a conversation about this, we can discuss later.”

Seriously if somebody just walks away from a spouse that is berating them, things will not improve.

To push you onto your knees

Is this chore assigned by you? Maybe they don't think it's important.

Maybe they don't think it's important, enough, to be an issue if they occasionally forget. And that might be true. Op, you may not get to decide the degree of importance.

Or is this something like forgetting to pick up a kid?

“Honey, it’s 9 PM, did you forget to take the trash to the curb?” A friendly reminder is all it takes in my house.

1) nobody should berate their spouse over a forgotten chore.
2) if the forgotten chore is mentioned, the forgetful spouse should first apologize and then go do the chore, or make clear plans to do it.
3) if "berating" spouse already did chore, the forgetgeful spouse should thank them.
4) under no circumstances should the forgetful spouse make excuses or get defensive or turn the situation around and blame "berating" spouse for not doing something else or for the forgetful spouses forgetfulness.

How would you approach a co-worker or friend about something they forgot? Just because you are married, doesn't mean you can forget to respect each other.

DW and I were bickering in the car this morning. not berating, bickering so this might not apply
kids were getting anxious and annoyed as well but after we dropped off kids at school, I just held her hand and let her continue to bicker for a few seconds more, it died out and then we had a decent chat on the drive back and forgot what we were bickering about. really i don't remember, it was barely an hour ago
lol

Best way is not to argue. What are you arguing about op anyway? Pull your weight and do the chores, your spouse is not your parent to keep reminding you to do chores, and for spouse that berates, don’t. Just don’t remind - put the responsibility and the consequences on the spouse, or throw money at the problem if you have them, or just do it yourself if you’re ok with that.

In 34 years of marriage, I have never “berated” my husband. We don’t treat each other like that.

I’ve never berated my husband and if he did I’m sure he’d tell me to F off! If he forgets to do something I remind him and then he does it…..usually!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my spouse ever started to berate me, I would walk away. That's not how mature and mentally healthy people act

It’s also not mature to just walk away.

It's absolutely okay and mature to walk away from someone verbally abusing you