Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.

Alllll of this. If you saw White Lotus I am Rachel when my husband complains - physically uncomfortable. I am hardwired to defuse conflict.

You get these reactions because the households you grew up in were conflict avoidant, not because you grew up in a happy household. There are many happy households where the children are able to see their parents successfully and healthily navigate conflict. If you never saw that growing up, I guarantee you that your household wasn’t as happy as you think. At least one of your parents (probably your mom) didn’t have a voice.

Zero-conflict households are as unhealthy and toxic as high-conflict households.

I’ll speak for my spouse here as he had the happiest childhood and adolescence one could imagine by all counts. He is the most patient, kind person you could meet, never raises his voice or loses his temper. I think a lot of that is simply genetic (his parents are great so he’s great too essentially) but also due to the fact that he experienced so much happiness, peace, and calm as a child that he felt at ease and free to enjoy his life so he had no reason to get upset/angry/lose his cool.

In contrast i as a kid w an abusive alcoholic parent and parents who fought a lot was always on edge, on high alert, could never feel relaxed or at peace and so even now after 20 years living away from my parents and years of therapy, still feel that same anger/fear/sadness I felt as a child on a daily basis and still feel like at any moment people might blow up at me so I’m always on guard and I’m quick to lose my temper. I know I can’t blame it all on my parents but they really put me at a disadvantage..whereas my spouse seems so well equipped to deal with the everyday stresses of life.

Anonymous wrote:I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.

Alllll of this. If you saw White Lotus I am Rachel when my husband complains - physically uncomfortable. I am hardwired to defuse conflict.

I honestly have zero trauma stemming from my childhood. I came from an intact two parent home, and to the day my mother died I never saw my parents argue. I had complete stability and routine from birth til I became an adult. Same house, same phone number, same everything.

My poor choice in marriage is the only thing that upended my winning streak of being a no trauma llama. However, after my divorce, I have thankfully regained that stability.

OP here. I am glad I asked the question, even though I wasn't sure it made sense! Your responses are fascinating, illuminating.

I look totally normal and happy from the outside and my DH and I have checked a ton of accomplishment boxes, but I have a super-high ACEs score, our family is filled with mentally ill relatives and early deaths, and it’s exhausting. I feel sad because I know that no matter how hard I work, my kids won’t have the strong supportive extended family that many of her peers have, and I know that will make her path more difficult. OP, I often think about the question you’ve raised and it makes me sad but also gives me a ton of compassion for people I see whose traumas are worn more obviously than mine. I think people without any major things often think smugly it’s because of something they did or earned, and from my perspective it’s just luck of the family you’re born into.

I’m 54 and no childhood trauma or major losses/traumas as an adult. My childhood was great—large family, parents who loved us and each other, healthy, middle class. Parents are still alive and doing well. My siblings are all doing fine. No substance abuse issues or dysfunctional relationships. I’m happily married and have 2 kids. It’s not perfect, but it’s perfectly wonderful. I think the thing I’m most grateful for is that I know I’m good enough. My life is good enough.

I recognize how lucky I am everyday. I see so many people with anxiety, and I know how unusual it is that neither I nor my kids or spouse have to deal with it.

Anonymous wrote:I think the word "trauma" is over-used. When I think of childhood "trauma" I think of severe instances---like being in a terrible accident, or being beaten/abused regularly, or seeing a family member killed in front of you, or being abandoned by your parents. Then there are the "adverse environmental factors"---like having parents divorce, or living in poverty, or with a family member who is an alcoholic (though not abusive). But today "trauma" is used for everything.

These are sometimes differentiated with the terms "Big T trauma" and "little t trauma". Big T is rarer, yes. But actually something seemingly mild, like just growing up chronically feeling your parents do not understand who you are at all...can be painfully and surprisingly damaging to some individuals.

Anonymous wrote:I think the word "trauma" is over-used. When I think of childhood "trauma" I think of severe instances---like being in a terrible accident, or being beaten/abused regularly, or seeing a family member killed in front of you, or being abandoned by your parents. Then there are the "adverse environmental factors"---like having parents divorce, or living in poverty, or with a family member who is an alcoholic (though not abusive). But today "trauma" is used for everything.

You are naive to think more people than not grew up with trauma. Isn’t it great that we are addressing it?

Anonymous wrote:Idyllic childhood. Can’t imagine a better one. I’ve had a good adulthood too. I’m well adjusted, know how to argue. Stressful events are nbd to me. College was easy, getting jobs was easy, married an awesome guy, wonderful kids and great friends. I’m a hard worker and studied hard, so everything wasn’t just handed to me. I’m 35 and can’t think of one bad thing that’s ever happened to me. Dh also had the same idyllic childhood. My best friends are the same.

I will say that I have trouble understanding other’s trauma because I experienced none. I didn’t even know about how common pedophiles and rapists were until I had kids. No one in our families or extended families are divorced.

I want my kids to have the same childhood I had.

Yikes! It will come eventually. Good luck. Sorry you will be unprepared but at least you are somewhat aware.

That's my husband's life. He's super compassionate - his mom told me he cried when his childhood nanny's mother died and he'd never even met her. He's super balanced, doesn't get worked up about much because he believes we'll work things out somehow. Driven, yet mellow. There's never any "what do you think THAT meant?" about talks with his parents , because everyone means exactly what they say. It's kind of beautiful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure where the line is, OP. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school. No socializing with family. No TV, no video games, no exposure to popular culture. No revealing clothes. A very limited amount of just the right foods. This was not a religious thing. My mother suffered from mental illness, controlled my life to an unhealthy degree and did not allow me to develop any kind of independence, which affected my college and career choices and ability to function in both, as well as in my private life. As a result of both nature and nurture, I too have major anxiety.

I was a compliant child and read books. My mother was very loving. I didn't realize how others really lived until I left home.

So... the trauma, if if can be called that, is the sort of brain-washing that a cult-member lives through. There's no pain in the moment, but there is pain afterward when you realize how stunted you are.

Can you pls comment on what the mental disorders were?

I married someone with a similar parent group and they all have aspergers. He does too. He has terrible anxiety and freezes in new situations, or when asked things VC he doesn’t know what to say. But new things are always coming because we have kids and are doing new things all the time.

I don't know. There's definitely major social anxiety there. She herself survived neglectful and unloving parents, so I sort of understand her need to smother me. But no ASD that I can diagnose. Interestingly, my husband is Aspie and can be quite controlling, but less so, and in a different way. I didn't notice it at first because my mother had always been so controlling!

Anonymous wrote:My sister never got broken up with until she was 25. Always the dumper, never the dump-ee. When it finally happened, it really threw her.

I didn’t go on a date until I was 24 so I didn’t really break up with people.

I had no childhood trauma. Lower middle class, slightly above poverty, my mom stayed home with the kids. My parents are still married.

I have realized that I am not very resilient, after I had a very rough 2020. My husband had a rougher year than I did, with a background of much childhood trauma, but really coped much better than I did.

That's me. I'm 38 with no major trauma. Hoping reversion to the mean doesn't get me one of these days. I recognize that I am lucky. I don't know how to answer your question because it's hard to compare my life to a different sort of life that I haven't experienced.