When you say you are fond of your therapist, do you mean that you have a romantic crush on him?

OP, you have a jumble of thoughts so let me organize them for you.

- You want to get married
- You want to have kids
- You are 38 and have a deadline (in your head)
- You pay a therapist for help
- You have someone who wants to marry you and presumably wants to start a family with you

Here's the rub. You don't know if you should marry this guy who wants to marry you.

Let's break it down:

- You are an introvert
- You have a particular communication style
- You pay for someone to help you with relationships (your therapist)
- The person you pay for relationship therapy is saying you can't have your cake and eat it too in the timeframe you want it (this is true in many aspects of life but not always)
- The person you pay for relationship therapy is saying "you have to make BF the right person." Another way of saying that is that you are finding reasons to doubt the relationship
- Many on DCUM are saying - trust your gut, don't marry this guy. Keep in mind, none of these commenters have met you or your BF.
- But the rub is that you want to get married.

So how do you know if this is the guy you are to get married to?
- Slow it down and remove the timeframe
- Trust the person you are paying for advice - really hear what they are saying and try out their advice
- See if your BF responds well to a change in your behavior and see if they will adjust what is making your gut nervous
- Take it slow
- What the other commenters are saying is that they've been burned in the past and trying to warn you about their bad outcomes that they've experienced
- That doesn't mean the outcome will be bad for you
- All relationships have some give and take but it sounds like you need more time with your BF to make a marriage determination
- Remove the timeframe as that creates unnecessary pressure
- While you do want to have kids, who's to say that you will be able to give birth naturally? Maybe adoption or a surrogate is an option
- But I agree with other posters who have said, pick the correct spouse first and then worry about kids after that
- Only you, with the advice from your therapist and your experience with your BF, will be able to determine if this is the right relationship

You can do this OP!

Break up with the guy, find a new therapist and possibly don’t have kids. There are so many red flags here…

How about couples counseling?

OP I met my Dh when I was 35. our "argument" style was awful from the start but now we rarely argue and each of us knows a better way of doing things, 17 years later. There is such a thing as learning within a relationship. Have you even explored that possibility with your therapist / potential DH?

Anonymous wrote:Get pregnant, but don't marry the guy.

OP what kind of trashy advice is this? Good lord no.

Get pregnant, but don't marry the guy.

Think about what your life will be like if you don’t get pregnant or have kids with this man. You will still be married. Would you be ok being married to him if kids don’t happen?

Will you do fertility treatments? Will he be supportive if you have to go through that? It is very expensive and emotionally stressful.

People don’t change
If it’s hard before you are even engaged, marriage will not make it easier or better.
Marriage takes effort, but it shouldn’t be hard or feel like work. I don’t understand why so many of my friends say marriage is SOOO hard or that think my husband is some amazing catch. My husband is normal and it makes me sad that so many women settle for less than being respected and treated thoughtfully.
Once you have a kid, everything will be so much harder and more complicated.

I think you need a new therapist and a new BF. Freeze your eggs, don’t put yourself in a bad situation because you have already invested so much time.

Since you have liked this therapist and found him effective, I wonder if his encouragement is because he has seen how you find flaws no matter the scenario so he is basically saying that all relationships will have some flaws and to have a long term relationship you have to decide this is the person you want to work through those with - not search for a relationship with no flaws. Because that really is the truth. People that make relationships work usually do it because they commit to just getting through it with that person and that includes working on poor communication with each other which I would say most couples work through. That being said, of course if your partner is being emotionally abusive that is a different story. It is hard to tell from your description where this falls, since you say this is the best therapist you’ve had im inclined to trust that his instinct that this is more your response to relationships and something you all can work on together may be correct. You will not find the perfect person or someone you don’t have disagreements with. My husband and I disagree on a lot. And we definitely don’t always fight fair. And sometimes he talks disrespectfully when he gets upset. But we mutually work on those things together, we both apologize and see each other’s point of view eventually (sometimes it takes time) and we commit every day to keep working on it together. Not sure if that helps.

I think you should simply go off birth control and actively try to get pregnant. Download a fertility app. Then let the chips fall where they may.

I agree with pp's this is your last chance. You will seriously regret it if you don't.

I am surprised a therapist is so direct with you. But I and other posters want to be direct with you.

It sounds like he loves you! Enjoy life.

Anonymous wrote:I would rather have the struggles of being a single parent then be stuck co-parenting with an a****** for the next 18 years.....

OP this is just not an option for me. I lack the finances, organizational ability, or emotional resources and support to have a baby on my own. It’s marriage or childlessness for me.

I would rather have the struggles of being a single parent then be stuck co-parenting with an a****** for the next 18 years.....

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar problem in my mid thirties and my female therapist suggested I freeze my eggs. If you can afford it and it's not too late, please consider as it might help you make your decision regarding your BF without the stress of hurrying to start of a family....

OP this isn’t an option for me, I looked into it and was told I am already too old for freezing and not to rely on it.

Anonymous wrote:I think -- real talk -- this IS your last/only chance to marry and have kids, so I think you should do it, while also planning to start couples therapy with your near-fiance to work on communication and argument styles.

I share this perspective as well. Having a kid on your own is not the answer for everyone. I couldn’t have done it. Assuming your partner is not abusive, I’d work on your relationship issues and see if things can improve.