Anonymous
08/17/2021 15:41
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 15:37
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Anonymous
08/17/2021 15:22
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
I was cut off by my mom, grandmother, and brother at the age of 30.
I refused to ask my stepdad (who sexually abused me and my mom knew about it) to walk me down the aisle (at the wedding I paid for). So she cut me off. Her mother (my grandma) supported her until grandma’s death and I never saw or spoke to her again.
My brother also supported my mom and cut me off for 5 years. Without me to focus her hatred on, mom turned her focus on my brother. He finally saw the light and we have tentatively reconnected in the last few years. He did not know about the abuse from my stepdad.
I refused to ask my stepdad (who sexually abused me and my mom knew about it) to walk me down the aisle (at the wedding I paid for). So she cut me off. Her mother (my grandma) supported her until grandma’s death and I never saw or spoke to her again.
My brother also supported my mom and cut me off for 5 years. Without me to focus her hatred on, mom turned her focus on my brother. He finally saw the light and we have tentatively reconnected in the last few years. He did not know about the abuse from my stepdad.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 15:10
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
OP here. I have never cut anyone off, nor has anyone done it to me. I’ve seen it happen among my friends though.
So this involves you.....how, exactly? Just needed some entertainment?
Anonymous
08/17/2021 15:06
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
The estranged older relative often tells themselves the younger relative was over reacting. A typical playbook move will be gaslighting focusing on one incident always described to be innocuous making the estranged look like an innocent victim.
Gaslighting, boundary crossing, not respecting the other person and behaving entitled is often the reason for estrangement yet the estranged will not recognize it because they feel entitled to the relationship. If they are the type that likes to stir the pot and be at the center of drama they will not understand why other people don’t want to deal with this.
Gaslighting, boundary crossing, not respecting the other person and behaving entitled is often the reason for estrangement yet the estranged will not recognize it because they feel entitled to the relationship. If they are the type that likes to stir the pot and be at the center of drama they will not understand why other people don’t want to deal with this.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 14:55
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:that’s really sad—but I can’t help but wonder what happened to your daughter that made her want to escape through drugs. I’d be exploring that if I were you. Happy, healthy people don’t do drugs for the most part.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
+1
Anonymous
08/17/2021 14:33
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
OP here. I have never cut anyone off, nor has anyone done it to me. I’ve seen it happen among my friends though.
Same here, and so many of my friends. Unbelievable reactions to simple misunderstandings or actions deemed "toxic."
Here's some examples:
1. Parents bought a doll for a grandbaby. They were not asked not to, so they had no idea that son and daughter inlaw would become incensed about their choice of a patriarchal,heteronormative, gender stereotypical toy. Upon profuse apology, they were told that they would have to do more than that! Damage was done and now they know what parents must be thinking about how this child should be raised.
2. Son in law, age 29, started an actual fist fight with wife's sibling because of an argument over interest rate projections and impact on types of student loans He put the 17 year old in a headlock on floor. Daughter complained that her parents supported their own child and not her husband when they pulled him off of teen. Teen's nose was bleeding and shirt ripped.
3. Grandma put a store bought diaper rash paste, on baby when babysitting over a long weekend, as there was none packed. Daughter was hysterical claiming baby should have been seen by a doctor. Mom explained that she used the same paste
on her kids, which daughter interpreted as a
judgement of her parenting. Rash was gone, and so was relationship.
4. Parents didn’t attend soccer play offs of grandchild, even though they had attended many games. Banned from all future events.
5. Parents gave their 33 year old their used car, about 12 years old but in good working condition. 33 year old lost job as chef in pandemic. Since job loss, has worked itinerant jobs to keep cash coming in. Received some stimulus. Other child, 37, claimed favoritism. Other child is a lawyer. Not kidding! Not talking to parents, not allowing contact with grandchildren.
OP here. By “happen” I meant I’ve seen people cut others off, and I’ve seen people get cut off. I apologize for the misunderstanding.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 13:51
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
OP here. I have never cut anyone off, nor has anyone done it to me. I’ve seen it happen among my friends though.
Same here, and so many of my friends. Unbelievable reactions to simple misunderstandings or actions deemed "toxic."
Here's some examples:
1. Parents bought a doll for a grandbaby. They were not asked not to, so they had no idea that son and daughter inlaw would become incensed about their choice of a patriarchal,heteronormative, gender stereotypical toy. Upon profuse apology, they were told that they would have to do more than that! Damage was done and now they know what parents must be thinking about how this child should be raised.
2. Son in law, age 29, started an actual fist fight with wife's sibling because of an argument over interest rate projections and impact on types of student loans He put the 17 year old in a headlock on floor. Daughter complained that her parents supported their own child and not her husband when they pulled him off of teen. Teen's nose was bleeding and shirt ripped.
3. Grandma put a store bought diaper rash paste, on baby when babysitting over a long weekend, as there was none packed. Daughter was hysterical claiming baby should have been seen by a doctor. Mom explained that she used the same paste
on her kids, which daughter interpreted as a
judgement of her parenting. Rash was gone, and so was relationship.
4. Parents didn’t attend soccer play offs of grandchild, even though they had attended many games. Banned from all future events.
5. Parents gave their 33 year old their used car, about 12 years old but in good working condition. 33 year old lost job as chef in pandemic. Since job loss, has worked itinerant jobs to keep cash coming in. Received some stimulus. Other child, 37, claimed favoritism. Other child is a lawyer. Not kidding! Not talking to parents, not allowing contact with grandchildren.
These sound made up or at the least one-sided.
I know one side of a story: Daughter yells at mother for supporting Trump, says it isn't Christian. Daughter never speaks to mother again.
Want to make some guesses about the other side of the story?
Anonymous
08/17/2021 13:31
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Of the friends I know:
1) Her mother was molested by grandpa when she (mother) was a kid and still allowed grandpa to molest my friend and her siblings. As adults they range from little to no contact
2) Mother was an alcoholic and addict. She would go missing for years at a time starting when friend was in high school.
3) Friend’s parents went through a tough divorce when she was 13 and they first tried to poison her relationship with their ex through the custody battle days, then immediately turned and poured all their energy into new relationships and ignored her during her teen years, including when she was raped and while she and her brother were using copious amounts of drugs.
4) I am low-contact with my dad. Whenever I contact him he spends the time complaining that I am not doing enough. When he had surgery and didn’t bother to tell me, I heard through the grapevine and took an unpaid week off work to care for him. When he was berating me for helping wrong I realized that he is never going to be satisfied and I don’t want to spend my life like this.
1) Her mother was molested by grandpa when she (mother) was a kid and still allowed grandpa to molest my friend and her siblings. As adults they range from little to no contact
2) Mother was an alcoholic and addict. She would go missing for years at a time starting when friend was in high school.
3) Friend’s parents went through a tough divorce when she was 13 and they first tried to poison her relationship with their ex through the custody battle days, then immediately turned and poured all their energy into new relationships and ignored her during her teen years, including when she was raped and while she and her brother were using copious amounts of drugs.
4) I am low-contact with my dad. Whenever I contact him he spends the time complaining that I am not doing enough. When he had surgery and didn’t bother to tell me, I heard through the grapevine and took an unpaid week off work to care for him. When he was berating me for helping wrong I realized that he is never going to be satisfied and I don’t want to spend my life like this.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 13:26
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Cut off my brother age 35. He literally destroyed his wife and only child by verbally abusing them. Tried his ridiculous words on me, done. He also is a scam artist/criminal.
Cut off my mother age 55. She enables my brother to the detriment of others including my youngest sister. She lies and hangs with criminals. Puts criminal family members over others if they can give her any monies.
Should have done it way earlier.
Cut off my mother age 55. She enables my brother to the detriment of others including my youngest sister. She lies and hangs with criminals. Puts criminal family members over others if they can give her any monies.
Should have done it way earlier.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 13:22
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
OP here. I have never cut anyone off, nor has anyone done it to me. I’ve seen it happen among my friends though.
Same here, and so many of my friends. Unbelievable reactions to simple misunderstandings or actions deemed "toxic."
Here's some examples:
1. Parents bought a doll for a grandbaby. They were not asked not to, so they had no idea that son and daughter inlaw would become incensed about their choice of a patriarchal,heteronormative, gender stereotypical toy. Upon profuse apology, they were told that they would have to do more than that! Damage was done and now they know what parents must be thinking about how this child should be raised.
2. Son in law, age 29, started an actual fist fight with wife's sibling because of an argument over interest rate projections and impact on types of student loans He put the 17 year old in a headlock on floor. Daughter complained that her parents supported their own child and not her husband when they pulled him off of teen. Teen's nose was bleeding and shirt ripped.
3. Grandma put a store bought diaper rash paste, on baby when babysitting over a long weekend, as there was none packed. Daughter was hysterical claiming baby should have been seen by a doctor. Mom explained that she used the same paste
on her kids, which daughter interpreted as a
judgement of her parenting. Rash was gone, and so was relationship.
4. Parents didn’t attend soccer play offs of grandchild, even though they had attended many games. Banned from all future events.
5. Parents gave their 33 year old their used car, about 12 years old but in good working condition. 33 year old lost job as chef in pandemic. Since job loss, has worked itinerant jobs to keep cash coming in. Received some stimulus. Other child, 37, claimed favoritism. Other child is a lawyer. Not kidding! Not talking to parents, not allowing contact with grandchildren.
And everyone knows if you have one side of the story you know everything that happened and are ready to judge everyone involved. I am sure these offenses were the first and only time any of these parents ever did anything the children slightly disagreed with and we’re otherwise Mr. Rogers level model parents. /s/
Anonymous
08/17/2021 12:41
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
OP here. I have never cut anyone off, nor has anyone done it to me. I’ve seen it happen among my friends though.
Same here, and so many of my friends. Unbelievable reactions to simple misunderstandings or actions deemed "toxic."
Here's some examples:
1. Parents bought a doll for a grandbaby. They were not asked not to, so they had no idea that son and daughter inlaw would become incensed about their choice of a patriarchal,heteronormative, gender stereotypical toy. Upon profuse apology, they were told that they would have to do more than that! Damage was done and now they know what parents must be thinking about how this child should be raised.
2. Son in law, age 29, started an actual fist fight with wife's sibling because of an argument over interest rate projections and impact on types of student loans He put the 17 year old in a headlock on floor. Daughter complained that her parents supported their own child and not her husband when they pulled him off of teen. Teen's nose was bleeding and shirt ripped.
3. Grandma put a store bought diaper rash paste, on baby when babysitting over a long weekend, as there was none packed. Daughter was hysterical claiming baby should have been seen by a doctor. Mom explained that she used the same paste
on her kids, which daughter interpreted as a
judgement of her parenting. Rash was gone, and so was relationship.
4. Parents didn’t attend soccer play offs of grandchild, even though they had attended many games. Banned from all future events.
5. Parents gave their 33 year old their used car, about 12 years old but in good working condition. 33 year old lost job as chef in pandemic. Since job loss, has worked itinerant jobs to keep cash coming in. Received some stimulus. Other child, 37, claimed favoritism. Other child is a lawyer. Not kidding! Not talking to parents, not allowing contact with grandchildren.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 12:26
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 10:48
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:that’s really sad—but I can’t help but wonder what happened to your daughter that made her want to escape through drugs. I’d be exploring that if I were you. Happy, healthy people don’t do drugs for the most part.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
+1.
And this is not to blame you as the parent - sometimes bad things happen to children even when good parents do their best. And some children are just born with addictive tendencies.
Try to show her lots of empathy (while standing firm on your house rules). Find her. Call her. Leave her text messages. She has to know that you love her unconditionally.
Anonymous
08/17/2021 10:46
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it's because they don't get a very sympathetic reception here.
A narcissist generally doesn’t say “I’m a narcissist.”
What does that have to do with it? We don’t know if the younger person cutting off their parents is the narcissist, or the parents, or more likely, none of them, since it is a completely overused term.
Exactly 1000+