My good friends who don’t want to have kids and are married have confided over time that it was due to either their parents’ terrible marriage or their own personal issues/disorders. My aunt says it is because she doesn’t have enough patience. Seeing her relationship with her husband- one is nocturnal, they don’t do much together, have some joint special interests, both big careers (lawyers, judges).

Anonymous wrote:The other thread got me thinking. I have a couple friend who are successful, financially stable, and in a good healthy marriage. They don’t want kids. The rest of our group does, and we always assumed they would have kids, but they are happy without them. When asked, they always list reasons why they don’t want kids or simply they just didn’t want them. They can easily afford kids and childcare. It seems very unnatural to me as a woman to not want kids. I went back and forth for a little bit and it felt weird picturing my life without kids. I wonder if she is truly happy. I worry they will get bored and have no one else to love. Anyone else have childless friends like this?

You’ve absorbed everything society has fed you about women and their roles. Expand your mind.

Anonymous wrote:“ women not wanting kids is unnatural”. No, you’re thinking is wrong.

DP...reading the OP made me nauseous. My grandmother birthed 7 children and she still died alone and never achieved anything in her life (please don't say having children is an achievement). I hate it when people ask me about not having kids because it's really rude and I don't have to justify my decision to anyone. I don't go around asking parents why they had children.

I have a few friends like this. Why does it bother you?

--mom if three

We have friends who don't have kids and I don't ask why as they never ask me why I had kids. I can't imagine life without my kids but that's just me. At the same time I'm looking forward to someday being an empty nester.

“ women not wanting kids is unnatural”. No, you’re thinking is wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other thread got me thinking. I have a couple friend who are successful, financially stable, and in a good healthy marriage. They don’t want kids. The rest of our group does, and we always assumed they would have kids, but they are happy without them. When asked, they always list reasons why they don’t want kids or simply they just didn’t want them. They can easily afford kids and childcare. It seems very unnatural to me as a woman to not want kids. I went back and forth for a little bit and it felt weird picturing my life without kids. I wonder if she is truly happy. I worry they will get bored and have no one else to love. Anyone else have childless friends like this?

Very few of my pre-kid couple friends want to have kids. Some probably will end up having them, but they all seem very happy with their lives. Some have pets, some travel a lot, some work a ton, people find things that make them happy that aren't kids.

I also don't really worry about whether my friends get bored. That's their problem unless they ask my advice and "have kids" isn't what I'd recommend.

Also, I have it on good authority that people with kids sometimes get bored, too. In fact I hear that going to 18 soccer games a week can be quite tedious.

Nothing against kids. I love my nieces and nephews to the moon. But I have never once wished that I had to spend more time going to and from daycare or all weekend at another kid birthday party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am that friend. Trust me, I'm fine with my decision.

+1

OP sounds ... sheltered.

Yeah as someone in my late 40s who chose not to have kids and does not regret the decision - I don't think I would want to be friends with someone who finds my choice "unnatural"

What the eff

We have two couple friends like this, and I love it. I think it's a great sign when people get to choose the life they want. I also feel good about raising my kid around different kinds of people who have made different kinds of choices, so that she can see that it's possible to be happy and fulfilled many different ways. What a gift for her! Also, my friends who don't want kids are not anti-kid -- they actually really enjoy spending time with my DD (in small doses, and we always check first). I like that since they aren't parents, they sometimes have more patience with or interest in her, because they aren't exhausted by their own kids or making mental comparisons. They also talk to her in a more mature way, and I think that's good for her too -- she likes being taken seriously by grown ups.

We also have a number of single friends who don't have kids, though only a couple are childless by choice. I think most of them would have had kids if certain things had lined up in their lives, but it didn't. And they all still have lovely, fulfilling lives.

Again, how great for kids to grow up around different sorts of adults and see how complex and interesting life can be. How wonderful for them to see that while some people go the marriage and kids route, some people marry and don't have kids, some marry and divorce, some have kids without marriage, some are married to their jobs, etc. And then the kids get to decide for themselves what makes sense, and also aren't blindsided later if they don't find someone they want to marry or don't have kids.

Don't make your kids world so small.

Anonymous wrote:The other thread got me thinking. I have a couple friend who are successful, financially stable, and in a good healthy marriage. They don’t want kids. The rest of our group does, and we always assumed they would have kids, but they are happy without them. When asked, they always list reasons why they don’t want kids or simply they just didn’t want them. They can easily afford kids and childcare. It seems very unnatural to me as a woman to not want kids. I went back and forth for a little bit and it felt weird picturing my life without kids. I wonder if she is truly happy. I worry they will get bored and have no one else to love. Anyone else have childless friends like this?

I did not want kids. We agreed before getting married. He changed his mind without having a real conversation with me and I did get pregnant. We are divorced. A woman can very easily not want kids. If I were a man, I would have wanted kids. As a woman, who sacrifices much more, it never seemed like a good deal. And it is not. I do not know how you can't understand how I a woman would be truly happy without kids. As much as I love my kids, I would be much happier never having them and I always knew that.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children, OP? The best thing about friends without children is that once you've put your kids to bed, you can have them over to dinner. They are flexible, they don't need child care, they actually have the time and energy to do things with you that friends with children might not have until 20 years from now. Don't worry too much.

+1

Of course, if you think they are unnatural and can't imagine them having a satisfying life, you might not be great friends for them. We have friends with and without kids. I don't assume that the people who chose not to have kids are secretly unhappy or think they are odd for not wanting to pass along their genetic material. I do enjoy hanging out with people with whom we don't have to coordinate child care.

Anonymous wrote:Having kids isn’t for everyone. I always wanted kids and now have 2. But I can definitely understand why someone else wouldn’t want them.

This. I wanted children and a family more than anything else in the world. But man, it’s hard. I think that it’s great they know themselves well enough to know it’s not for them.

Anonymous wrote:The other thread got me thinking. I have a couple friend who are successful, financially stable, and in a good healthy marriage. They don’t want kids. The rest of our group does, and we always assumed they would have kids, but they are happy without them. When asked, they always list reasons why they don’t want kids or simply they just didn’t want them. They can easily afford kids and childcare. It seems very unnatural to me as a woman to not want kids. I went back and forth for a little bit and it felt weird picturing my life without kids. I wonder if she is truly happy. I worry they will get bored and have no one else to love. Anyone else have childless friends like this?

Very few of my pre-kid couple friends want to have kids. Some probably will end up having them, but they all seem very happy with their lives. Some have pets, some travel a lot, some work a ton, people find things that make them happy that aren't kids.

I also don't really worry about whether my friends get bored. That's their problem unless they ask my advice and "have kids" isn't what I'd recommend.

I know what you mean, since I wanted kids so bad/had them, so its hard for me to imagine my life without them. But I understand that not everyone does. It is great to have childless friends for sure!

I know plenty of people like this, and it doesn't strike me as weird at all. Having kids is HARD!