OP you did know and love all of him. I know it feels in some ways like you didn't know him but this really is a detail in his life.

It would be one thing if he had a hidden life- like he was an artist/painter or had another family... but really- it's his sex life. No one wants to share and care about their parent's sex life. Just use your time to process it and ask more questions/learn more about your living parent if she feels like sharing and if you really want to know more.

She is the more interesting person in this. How did she cope? How did she process? Does she feel angry/sad/etc? What got her through when she learned, etc. People are gay and hide it all the time-there isn't really anything new on his side- but you have an opportunity to learn more about your Mum- it isn't as common for spouses to be able to convincingly play along until death.

Not the same, I know, but OP you reminded me of when I was visiting my mom and met her church friends about 25 years ago. There was one heterosexual couple who hung out with a somewhat effeminate man who was friends with the husband. At some point, the husband started talking about when he had a job in DC and was living away from his family back in Ohio. He started telling me about all the great times he had in Dupont Circle back in the 70s. I had just read an article in the WaPo about the changing demographics in Dupont and said without thinking, oh, Dupont is no longer such a gay neighborhood anymore. Sudden silence.

Later I talked with the wife about how hard it must have been to have her husband commuting to DC for work (because my dh and I were doing something similar). She said oh it was no problem.

Later my mom was a little upset because she couldn't believe the effeminate male friend was gay. (I must have said something. I don't know why she would have brought it up by herself.) I said nothing but I thought, "Yeah, and the husband is gay too and the wife is fine with it." Mom, so oblivious!

I feel bad for the women they married. Sure, it must be very tough to be a gay man, but why drag others down with you? The women didn't have a choice. The women could walk out, but with kid(s) and everything....

The (knowingly) gay husband is a a-Hole for ruining his wife's life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my dad was gay when I was 41 and I totally understand your feelings. It's not homophobia; it's simply a retelling to yourself of many of your life and family stories through the lens of this news. I began realizing that most of my father's books were biographies of gay and bisexual men but I had never thought about that before ("He just finds them interesting"). Most of his friends were gay. I had never thought about so many things. Like you, my parents were still married.

I had many concerns about whether I was conceived in love and I strongly believe that both of us, OP, were conceived in loving relationships. Times were different then.

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate this, this is how I'm feeling, but also grieving that I never got to "know" him as his true person. This is going to take some time. It's also difficult that my mom swore me to secrecy. I'm not sure that was a fair ask. She's still hiding him, and I feel strongly that he deserves to be remembered, at least by his children, for who he was. Really was.

PP here. It's a little easier for me because my father is still alive but I also have that feeling that I will never really know him. He is a many of secrets in fundamental ways. Please know that your father does deserve to be remembered and that you ARE remembering him. Take care of yourself.

Anonymous wrote:I found out my dad was gay when I was 41 and I totally understand your feelings. It's not homophobia; it's simply a retelling to yourself of many of your life and family stories through the lens of this news. I began realizing that most of my father's books were biographies of gay and bisexual men but I had never thought about that before ("He just finds them interesting"). Most of his friends were gay. I had never thought about so many things. Like you, my parents were still married.

I had many concerns about whether I was conceived in love and I strongly believe that both of us, OP, were conceived in loving relationships. Times were different then.

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate this, this is how I'm feeling, but also grieving that I never got to "know" him as his true person. This is going to take some time. It's also difficult that my mom swore me to secrecy. I'm not sure that was a fair ask. She's still hiding him, and I feel strongly that he deserves to be remembered, at least by his children, for who he was. Really was.

I found out my dad was gay when I was 41 and I totally understand your feelings. It's not homophobia; it's simply a retelling to yourself of many of your life and family stories through the lens of this news. I began realizing that most of my father's books were biographies of gay and bisexual men but I had never thought about that before ("He just finds them interesting"). Most of his friends were gay. I had never thought about so many things. Like you, my parents were still married.

I had many concerns about whether I was conceived in love and I strongly believe that both of us, OP, were conceived in loving relationships. Times were different then.

This may or may not be your cup of tea, but you should check out “Fun Home” by Alison Bechdel. It’s a graphic novel, which I realize is not for everyone, but it’s about a daughter realizing her dad is gay.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, so White Lotus!

I was just about to say that..
OP, did you father have affairs with men? How would you mother know?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. That would floor me. Did you just find out?

I literally just found out today, about an hour before I posted. I'm just sort of... stunned.

Sorry, op. That’s a lot to process.

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. That would floor me. Did you just find out?

I literally just found out today, about an hour before I posted. I'm just sort of... stunned.

Oh wow. That would floor me. Did you just find out?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my MIL died we discovered that my FIL is gay. And now realize some of his friends were probably more than friends. For us, we always thought maybe he was attracted to men but assumed he wouldn't have ever acted on it due to the presumed stigma. But even though we had those suspicions, we were still really surprised to learn he was/in relationships with men.

He is still alive and lives with his partner, who he says is a friend who needs a place to stay temporarily (friend has since bought a house and sold it yet still lives with FIL). FIL doesn't know we know. We don't know why he won't be open about it.

I feel bad for MIL, but glad FIL is living his life now. Just wish he'd be open.

because for a long time it was illegal, because there are bigots everywhere, even inside families

There are lots of gay homophobes. They can’t be honest with themselves, let alone with others. It’s not personal but their own cross to bear.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 60 something lesbian and I can tell you that being gay was so difficult until about the last 20 years. For those of us who grew up and older living in fear, it can be hard to believe it’s really ok to be gay. And honestly it isnt ok to be gay everywhere.

+1 Thinking about my FIL, I imagine it's hardest for him to come out to his decades long peer group and same aged family members. Because even if he can believe it's ok to be gay, many of them don't.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry that he wasn't able to live the life he dreamed and you only found out post-death. Glad your mother clearly loved him so much that she's kept his secret close even in death.

you don’t know what kind of life he dreamed of. a lot of gays used to be homophobic. not saying he was the one but you should not assume to know what sY 80 yo wanted over his life.

Anonymous wrote:After my MIL died we discovered that my FIL is gay. And now realize some of his friends were probably more than friends. For us, we always thought maybe he was attracted to men but assumed he wouldn't have ever acted on it due to the presumed stigma. But even though we had those suspicions, we were still really surprised to learn he was/in relationships with men.

He is still alive and lives with his partner, who he says is a friend who needs a place to stay temporarily (friend has since bought a house and sold it yet still lives with FIL). FIL doesn't know we know. We don't know why he won't be open about it.

I feel bad for MIL, but glad FIL is living his life now. Just wish he'd be open.

because for a long time it was illegal, because there are bigots everywhere, even inside families