OP said spouse was wife on page 1 I think. Confirming that denial is a powerful coping mechanism, even for many DCUM posters, who assume that the alcoholic spouse must be male.

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many posters assume that the alcoholic spouse is a man? I also recommend Al Anon for the OP.

This is DCUM, since OP mentions the spouse can’t maintain a job, it must be a man. Because if it was DW, no job would be normal and fine.

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many posters assume that the alcoholic spouse is a man? I also recommend Al Anon for the OP.

Yeah OP never mentions gender. If a SAHM drinks all day while DH at work, how would he know? She brushes her teeth, uses mouthwash (which many have alcohol) or even strong perfume.

I think the spouse is a woman.

OP here: thank you to those of you who have posted supportive or informational comments. The diagnosis was from a doctor who specializes in addiction. It's important to point out that while we have been together for about 25 years, my spouse was obviously not in the advanced stage of the disease the entire time. The worst of it has been in the past couple of years. It was much easier to overlook in the early days because there were not the other issues present of neglecting self-care, inability to maintain a job, shirking of responsibilities etc. My spouse has admitted to having had a dependence on alcohol for a very long time, but it was not interfering with functioning in the same way it is now.

The issue at this point, as one poster pointed out, is that the deception runs far deeper than just this disease. There have been lies on so many fronts, and the total and complete break down in trust will be difficult to repair.

OP, I understand. While DH and I do not drink much, I can see how something like could be hidden from you, especially if you were not looking to see it. I agree with the advice to get counseling before making any big decisions. Is you child aware of what is going on?

So, a functional alcoholic?

OP I understand. My DH committed suicide. He hid it all so well. It was a complete surprise and train wreck for our family. Sometimes you just don’t want to believe. And this is their big secret that they will hide at any cost. Kindly I suggest counseling because it is so painful and group was also helpful. Try to be strong. It’s very difficult.

Why do so many posters assume that the alcoholic spouse is a man? I also recommend Al Anon for the OP.

Anonymous wrote:Ever wonder what else you don't know about him at this point? What else has been hidden? What else are you unaware of? He has been in the practice of telling lies and deceiving you for many years.

After 25 years living together, how could you not know everything? 25. Years.

Ever wonder what else you don't know about him at this point? What else has been hidden? What else are you unaware of? He has been in the practice of telling lies and deceiving you for many years.

Anonymous wrote:My sister is an alcoholic (she’s been to rehab 3 times). My BIL comments how amazing it is that for all she’s drank, he’s never seen bottles of alcohol in their kitchen or bar. He’d occasionally find empty bottles in the trash or airplane sized bottles tucked away in random places.

This made me feel sad. Bil is an enabler. I hope your sister can get and stay sober.

My sister is an alcoholic (she’s been to rehab 3 times). My BIL comments how amazing it is that for all she’s drank, he’s never seen bottles of alcohol in their kitchen or bar. He’d occasionally find empty bottles in the trash or airplane sized bottles tucked away in random places.

Even with your update, I find it hard to believe that someone hid being an alcoholic for 25 years without you knowing and you live with this person. I grew up with a father that was an alcoholic. He smelled of liquor all the time. It literally came out of his pores. He would pass out all the time. If he couldn’t function enough to hold a job then I don’t understand how you would not notice this stuff. Leave. I get it is a disease but it goes beyond that. He is deliberately hurting his family, not contributing to the family and lying to you

even though I would find a few bottles in closets here and there, I honestly never thought anything of it.

Wut?