Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

You are seen. Just flip the narrative. You can only control what you can control. Start investing into the relationship with your DH.

Anonymous wrote:DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

You are seen. Just flip the narrative. You can only control what you can control. Start investing into the relationship with your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a DW who commented in the other thread about how my DH used to take me on dates and buy flowers (and how that has fallen off and lo and behold, so has our sex life). Obviously it’s harder now that we’re juggling young kids and busy careers, but mostly I just want him to make some semblance of effort to treat me like he did when we were dating: like a desirable, interesting person and less like a business partner.

Like, if I arrange a sitter and make a dinner reservation he’s happy to go out and we have a good time, but he never initiates that himself (and if I have to ask him to, it defeats the purpose). And flowers/little gifts? Initiating a real conversation about something other than who is taking Larla to karate? Telling me I’m beautiful? Forget about it. Mostly I miss the effort/genuine interest.

I said it in the other thread - everyone wants to blame wives for changing without wanting to acknowledge that husbands change, too. I didn’t actually change all the much - if I wasn’t the kind of girl you could ignore all day then text at midnight for Netflix & Chill while we were dating, what makes you think I’ll turn into that after a decade plus of marriage?

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

OP here. Agreed but you are talking about the "after" state. This is what happens when there is no investment in the relationship. I'm headed down this path and while I can't directly control how my DW feels about me, I can control what I do which will hopefully impact the way she feels about me.

As I read some of the posts, I see that kindness and thoughtfulness is a common theme when these small gestures are well received and I'm examining whether I can increase my level of thoughtfulness is all aspects of my life, which would obviously include my interactions with DW.

Definitely do this. Improving yourself and how you treat others will make you happier about yourself regardless. Is she doing these things for you currently? If so, then I predict your efforts will be well received. If not, I'd anticipate that she won't notice or will think you're up to something manipulative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

OP here. Agreed but you are talking about the "after" state. This is what happens when there is no investment in the relationship. I'm headed down this path and while I can't directly control how my DW feels about me, I can control what I do which will hopefully impact the way she feels about me.

As I read some of the posts, I see that kindness and thoughtfulness is a common theme when these small gestures are well received and I'm examining whether I can increase my level of thoughtfulness is all aspects of my life, which would obviously include my interactions with DW.

Anonymous wrote:If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great

OP here. This list is great and it sounds like your DW is very lucky. I am going to reread the Love Languages book and then come up with a list of things to do to fill her love tank based on what I think my DW would appreciate and begin the process of strengthening my relationship. Thank you for sharing your list with me. It's encouraging for me to hear how other guys do it and that it works.

Anonymous wrote:DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great

Anonymous wrote:I’m a DW who commented in the other thread about how my DH used to take me on dates and buy flowers (and how that has fallen off and lo and behold, so has our sex life). Obviously it’s harder now that we’re juggling young kids and busy careers, but mostly I just want him to make some semblance of effort to treat me like he did when we were dating: like a desirable, interesting person and less like a business partner.

Like, if I arrange a sitter and make a dinner reservation he’s happy to go out and we have a good time, but he never initiates that himself (and if I have to ask him to, it defeats the purpose). And flowers/little gifts? Initiating a real conversation about something other than who is taking Larla to karate? Telling me I’m beautiful? Forget about it. Mostly I miss the effort/genuine interest.

I said it in the other thread - everyone wants to blame wives for changing without wanting to acknowledge that husbands change, too. I didn’t actually change all the much - if I wasn’t the kind of girl you could ignore all day then text at midnight for Netflix & Chill while we were dating, what makes you think I’ll turn into that after a decade plus of marriage?