He sleeps in until 8-815 on weekdays, in a home where both parents work? I'm not sure if he could be any more selfish, assuming no sleep/health issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, because

1. We both just keep doing whatever needs to be done until nothing more needs doing. So if I'm folding laundry DH is putting it away or if he's washing dishes I'm sweeping the floor
2. Seems like that would lead to hurt feelings. And based on your post - it has for you.

I think this is the best way to do it with daily tasks, you are both either actively taking care of kids or doing housework until the kids are asleep and the house is clean (however you define that).

I think the issue is that OP’s husband is getting home from work exhausted because he stayed up too late, then spent his lunch hour working out. So he just wants to sit and do nothing for an hour.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does a working adult with kids have 5-6 hours of free time? Is that even possible? Does he do nothing with the kids/no chores?

I'm divorced so I do 95% of the household chores (kid does a tiny amount) and 50% of the childcare and it feels like so much less than I did when I was married.

OP here:

1 hour of workout over lunch
1-1.5 hours of sitting on his butt after work
3-4 hours after DC goes to bed

You shared this schedule - can you go into it more for each of you?

Wake up to bed - what are the days like for each?

Anonymous wrote:I get it! I am an early riser and my husband is a night owl who stays up late watching movies and puttering. He likes to eat late, then relax before cleaning the kitchen and I like to finish the chores and then relax. It was driving me CRAZY and I was getting super cranky staying up to help clean the kitchen. Finally I just said, I am going upstairs at 930 and you can finish, and he said fine! He loads the dishwasher, washes all the pans, takes out the trash and has everything spic and span on his schedule. He's not a morning person so by the time he gets up I've unloaded the dishwasher, walked the dog, gotten the kids going and made the coffee. (Kids are older so don't need much hands on time.)

It just took some time to figure out how we both worked best but we are both happy with the division of labor.

OP here... it literally will NOT get done if I do this.

I get it! I am an early riser and my husband is a night owl who stays up late watching movies and puttering. He likes to eat late, then relax before cleaning the kitchen and I like to finish the chores and then relax. It was driving me CRAZY and I was getting super cranky staying up to help clean the kitchen. Finally I just said, I am going upstairs at 930 and you can finish, and he said fine! He loads the dishwasher, washes all the pans, takes out the trash and has everything spic and span on his schedule. He's not a morning person so by the time he gets up I've unloaded the dishwasher, walked the dog, gotten the kids going and made the coffee. (Kids are older so don't need much hands on time.)

It just took some time to figure out how we both worked best but we are both happy with the division of labor.

Anonymous wrote:No, because

1. We both just keep doing whatever needs to be done until nothing more needs doing. So if I'm folding laundry DH is putting it away or if he's washing dishes I'm sweeping the floor
2. Seems like that would lead to hurt feelings. And based on your post - it has for you.

Well the issue is when 1 person continues doing chores until they are done while the other person is relaxing or off doing something else. In that case it’s valid to point out the discrepancy in free time.

Anonymous wrote:DH has way more nap and vegging out time than me, and yet, can never seem to get things done in a reasonable time frame. It will take him a week to clean the kitchen or put his clothes away. FWIW, he's a stay at home dad to elementary and middle school kids, cooks most family meals, does the grocery shopping, half of the laundry, cleans the kitchen not nearly often enough, and he takes one kid to an activity twice a week. I work full-time, take the other kid twice a week to activities, clean the bathrooms, make school lunches, help with homework, and pay the bills. Our kids help with the laundry, vacuuming, trash, recycling, and dishes.

He might have ADHD. I am a SAHM and I have ADHD and am very inefficient.

DH has way more nap and vegging out time than me, and yet, can never seem to get things done in a reasonable time frame. It will take him a week to clean the kitchen or put his clothes away. FWIW, he's a stay at home dad to elementary and middle school kids, cooks most family meals, does the grocery shopping, half of the laundry, cleans the kitchen not nearly often enough, and he takes one kid to an activity twice a week. I work full-time, take the other kid twice a week to activities, clean the bathrooms, make school lunches, help with homework, and pay the bills. Our kids help with the laundry, vacuuming, trash, recycling, and dishes.

Anonymous wrote:No, because

1. We both just keep doing whatever needs to be done until nothing more needs doing. So if I'm folding laundry DH is putting it away or if he's washing dishes I'm sweeping the floor
2. Seems like that would lead to hurt feelings. And based on your post - it has for you.

I think this is the best way to do it with daily tasks, you are both either actively taking care of kids or doing housework until the kids are asleep and the house is clean (however you define that).

No, because

1. We both just keep doing whatever needs to be done until nothing more needs doing. So if I'm folding laundry DH is putting it away or if he's washing dishes I'm sweeping the floor
2. Seems like that would lead to hurt feelings. And based on your post - it has for you.

It's absolutely not petty to want a generally equal amount of free/personal/down time as your partner. So important for your mental health and happiness. Also, just a sign you care about each other. In my household, I would say DH has a bit less free time because something always seems to come up at work that requires him to log back on for longer than he would like, but no big disparity. Note: I do a lot more around the house because my job is significantly less demanding and time-consuming -- so again this feels fair -- and by the end of the day/week, we both generally have had the same amount of hours to read, veg., work out, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I am laid back and don’t keep score. But that would bug me a lot. I don’t care what you do but IMO time is a resource that you commit to the family, just like money and talents.

One thing though, I would consider exercise a family need no matter how long it takes, so that doesn’t count toward free time any more than a medical appointment or a shopping trip for school supplies, even if you pick up a Starbucks and a new outfit. Personal grooming also wouldn’t count as free time, like hair and nails. But golf, happy hours, coffee with friends, hobby time, TV time, reading, etc. is personal.

This is such BS. My husband said stuff like this when we became a dual working parent family. (When the kids were really small, we took turns SAH or working PT). If it's getting to the point that someone is overwhelmed, then you step up and do things that are essential. If you are at the point where you are counting free time, then anytime that you could pare back, and you didn't, is free time. And yes, you have to use some of your free time studying or going to the dentist. That's part of being an adult.


Doing the above is just a crappy way to wear your spouse down. You can't say that your hobby counts as personal time unless your hobby involves exercise, in which case it's fulfilling a family need and doesn't count. Or that going to a weekly massage is a medical appointment and doesn't count as free time, but going to book club is personal time and does count as free time.

Anonymous wrote:I am laid back and don’t keep score. But that would bug me a lot. I don’t care what you do but IMO time is a resource that you commit to the family, just like money and talents.

One thing though, I would consider exercise a family need no matter how long it takes, so that doesn’t count toward free time any more than a medical appointment or a shopping trip for school supplies, even if you pick up a Starbucks and a new outfit. Personal grooming also wouldn’t count as free time, like hair and nails. But golf, happy hours, coffee with friends, hobby time, TV time, reading, etc. is personal.

Getting your nails done doesn’t count as free time? It sure feels like it when I’m playing on my phone while someone runs my feet and paints my toenails.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does a working adult with kids have 5-6 hours of free time? Is that even possible? Does he do nothing with the kids/no chores?

I'm divorced so I do 95% of the household chores (kid does a tiny amount) and 50% of the childcare and it feels like so much less than I did when I was married.

OP here:

1 hour of workout over lunch
1-1.5 hours of sitting on his butt after work
3-4 hours after DC goes to bed

He is a loser. Why is he sitting on his butt after work instead of spending time with his family? What exactly does he do for his family?

Anonymous wrote:OP has time to waste on DCUM. So she's fine.

This is in my dedicated free time slot, so kick rocks