Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

This is probably the best advice in this thread. Nut OP is going to go through with it anyway, so to that, I say his feelings in this don't matter as much as his girlfriends. She doesn't want much of a relationship now with her mother, but that could change as things change in her life if mom, dad, or siblings get sick or pass away or when she becomes a mother herself. She then may want to visit a little bit and then ask you and the kids to come? You may end up facing resentment from siblings who understand now, but become a lot less understanding when they have to become mom's primary caregiver when she's old because they live closer. She could feel guilty because of this and want to move back or what to send more money than maybe you can afford. If mom's behavior is because of mental illness and not just because she's an awful person there's a really good chance that the same mental illness could show up in your kids.

But if you still want to marry you follow your wife's lead and be prepared to leave any gathering that becomes too much. Become a master at deescalating situations.

OP here. I don’t see this happening. There is a lot I’m leaving out about her mom. My girlfriend had said many times that she doesn’t think she loves her mom at all. She knows she should but she doesn’t. There is a lot of bad history here and almost everyone in her moms life alienated her at some point. She’s a very toxic person.

I know you don't want to hear this because it's not what you asked for but it's very important your girlfriend gets some individual therapy and at least starts to sort this stuff out before you all get married and before you decide to become parents. I fully believe her mom is toxic, but her only method of dealing with it can't be moving away ad having your family as an escape. She's got to deal with it head-on because it will come back. It's good she and her siblings are close.

OP here. I don’t mind hearing it. She has been in therapy for years to talk about this and some other childhood trauma she went through. She wants to move away for many different reasons, but she says the bonus will not having her mom around so she can’t try to just stop by our house.

It's good she's in therapy because all that trauma tends to come rushing back once you transition from a single person to a spouse with kids. You can find yourself falling into patterns and behaviors that you know you don't want to, but we often repeat our childhoods. You should inquire if her relationship or feelings about her mother are something she is working on in therapy. Couples' counseling for this specific issue is essential.

Anonymous wrote:You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother!

OP here. This. I would feel different if she were handling things in a different way, but she has been amazing at overcoming it and put herself into therapy to learn ways to deal with it.

I don’t think her mother is a narcissist. I think she is very insecure and is jealous of those around her. She lashes out and is a miserable person. She has said very rude things about my mom because she is very close with my girlfriend.

This woman is a terrible excuse for a mother. She abandoned her and her siblings ( all under 10) with an alcoholic and drug addicted father because she no longer wanted that life. She was a teen mom and got married way too young. She started a new life with her now stepdad and only came back in their her life 4 years later when my girlfriends dad got sent to jail for nearly killing her brother. She actually said she didn’t want to ruin her perfect life and contemplated letting her kids become a ward of the state. She did take them and was very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive growing up. Always putting them down, calling them names, never wanting to spend time with them, etc. She favored her other child over them. Her oldest brother cut her off when she started to babysit his grandkids ( little kids) and would cuss at them and be verbally abusive when they wouldn’t listen. She would call them stupid and threaten to hit them. She is a very hateful person and it’s hard to have a conversation because you never know if she will be nice or be mean. There is so much more but I won’t go into details about it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odds are very high she will turn into her mother or feel differently once she has kids. I've seen it happen.

OP here. She has been the exact opposite and I don’t think she will ever turn into her mother.

Ok so you don't need our advice everything will be fine. Enjoy your move out of state , your kids, and only seeing your side of the family.

OP here. I never once asked for your advice concerning my girlfriend. I asked how to deal with a less than ideal in-law. Your response had nothing to do with the question I had asked. Go find another post my response offends you.

I know what you asked. You seem to think that if you leave your girlfriend's mother, (she's not your MIL yet as you all aren't married. behind your problems will be over.) I'm telling you that odds are very high your girlfriend will either turn into her mother or change her mind about being away from the family once she realizes it likely means cutting off her dad and siblings too, and that your family isn't as perfect as she thinks they are right now.

You sound like the girlfriend's mother yourself. Nobody needs advice from you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

So no one should ever marry someone with shitty parents? So on top of having an abusive childhood you should also be punished and condemned to spend the rest of your life alone because you might contaminate the perfect people with your sad life? What should we do with all these poor sad people who don't deserve to get married or have a life?

OP here. +1. I didn’t grow up this way, but I will not punish her for things that were beyond her control. She was a child and didn’t have a choice. She is an adult now and has made good decisions with her life and family. That’s more important to me. I love her and I won’t be leaving her because the person her mom is. Its not her fault.

You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

This is probably the best advice in this thread. Nut OP is going to go through with it anyway, so to that, I say his feelings in this don't matter as much as his girlfriends. She doesn't want much of a relationship now with her mother, but that could change as things change in her life if mom, dad, or siblings get sick or pass away or when she becomes a mother herself. She then may want to visit a little bit and then ask you and the kids to come? You may end up facing resentment from siblings who understand now, but become a lot less understanding when they have to become mom's primary caregiver when she's old because they live closer. She could feel guilty because of this and want to move back or what to send more money than maybe you can afford. If mom's behavior is because of mental illness and not just because she's an awful person there's a really good chance that the same mental illness could show up in your kids.

But if you still want to marry you follow your wife's lead and be prepared to leave any gathering that becomes too much. Become a master at deescalating situations.

OP here. I don’t see this happening. There is a lot I’m leaving out about her mom. My girlfriend had said many times that she doesn’t think she loves her mom at all. She knows she should but she doesn’t. There is a lot of bad history here and almost everyone in her moms life alienated her at some point. She’s a very toxic person.

I know you don't want to hear this because it's not what you asked for but it's very important your girlfriend gets some individual therapy and at least starts to sort this stuff out before you all get married and before you decide to become parents. I fully believe her mom is toxic, but her only method of dealing with it can't be moving away ad having your family as an escape. She's got to deal with it head-on because it will come back. It's good she and her siblings are close.

OP here. I don’t mind hearing it. She has been in therapy for years to talk about this and some other childhood trauma she went through. She wants to move away for many different reasons, but she says the bonus will not having her mom around so she can’t try to just stop by our house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared not to see her father or her siblings if she has them. This may or may not be a problem for her.

OP here. Most of her siblings also have limited contact with her. They talk to their dad and each other, but they only see her on holidays.

Does your girlfriend get along with her siblings? How long have you been together? And how old is everybody?

OP here. They all get along and she is super close with one of her sisters. The brothers are all super close. She in 1 of 7 ( two youngest are from different marriages) and the age range from late twenties to late thirties. Youngest sibling is 28 and oldest sibling will be 39 this year.

We have been together for almost two years, but we knew each other for a year before we got together.

How old is your girlfriend?

OP here. She is 32.

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

So no one should ever marry someone with shitty parents? So on top of having an abusive childhood you should also be punished and condemned to spend the rest of your life alone because you might contaminate the perfect people with your sad life? What should we do with all these poor sad people who don't deserve to get married or have a life?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

This is probably the best advice in this thread. Nut OP is going to go through with it anyway, so to that, I say his feelings in this don't matter as much as his girlfriends. She doesn't want much of a relationship now with her mother, but that could change as things change in her life if mom, dad, or siblings get sick or pass away or when she becomes a mother herself. She then may want to visit a little bit and then ask you and the kids to come? You may end up facing resentment from siblings who understand now, but become a lot less understanding when they have to become mom's primary caregiver when she's old because they live closer. She could feel guilty because of this and want to move back or what to send more money than maybe you can afford. If mom's behavior is because of mental illness and not just because she's an awful person there's a really good chance that the same mental illness could show up in your kids.

But if you still want to marry you follow your wife's lead and be prepared to leave any gathering that becomes too much. Become a master at deescalating situations.

OP here. I don’t see this happening. There is a lot I’m leaving out about her mom. My girlfriend had said many times that she doesn’t think she loves her mom at all. She knows she should but she doesn’t. There is a lot of bad history here and almost everyone in her moms life alienated her at some point. She’s a very toxic person.

I know you don't want to hear this because it's not what you asked for but it's very important your girlfriend gets some individual therapy and at least starts to sort this stuff out before you all get married and before you decide to become parents. I fully believe her mom is toxic, but her only method of dealing with it can't be moving away ad having your family as an escape. She's got to deal with it head-on because it will come back. It's good she and her siblings are close.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared not to see her father or her siblings if she has them. This may or may not be a problem for her.

OP here. Most of her siblings also have limited contact with her. They talk to their dad and each other, but they only see her on holidays.

Does your girlfriend get along with her siblings? How long have you been together? And how old is everybody?

OP here. They all get along and she is super close with one of her sisters. The brothers are all super close. She in 1 of 7 ( two youngest are from different marriages) and the age range from late twenties to late thirties. Youngest sibling is 28 and oldest sibling will be 39 this year.

We have been together for almost two years, but we knew each other for a year before we got together.

How old is your girlfriend?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

This is probably the best advice in this thread. Nut OP is going to go through with it anyway, so to that, I say his feelings in this don't matter as much as his girlfriends. She doesn't want much of a relationship now with her mother, but that could change as things change in her life if mom, dad, or siblings get sick or pass away or when she becomes a mother herself. She then may want to visit a little bit and then ask you and the kids to come? You may end up facing resentment from siblings who understand now, but become a lot less understanding when they have to become mom's primary caregiver when she's old because they live closer. She could feel guilty because of this and want to move back or what to send more money than maybe you can afford. If mom's behavior is because of mental illness and not just because she's an awful person there's a really good chance that the same mental illness could show up in your kids.

But if you still want to marry you follow your wife's lead and be prepared to leave any gathering that becomes too much. Become a master at deescalating situations.

OP here. I don’t see this happening. There is a lot I’m leaving out about her mom. My girlfriend had said many times that she doesn’t think she loves her mom at all. She knows she should but she doesn’t. There is a lot of bad history here and almost everyone in her moms life alienated her at some point. She’s a very toxic person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared not to see her father or her siblings if she has them. This may or may not be a problem for her.

OP here. Most of her siblings also have limited contact with her. They talk to their dad and each other, but they only see her on holidays.

Does your girlfriend get along with her siblings? How long have you been together? And how old is everybody?

OP here. They all get along and she is super close with one of her sisters. The brothers are all super close. She in 1 of 7 ( two youngest are from different marriages) and the age range from late twenties to late thirties. Youngest sibling is 28 and oldest sibling will be 39 this year.

We have been together for almost two years, but we knew each other for a year before we got together.

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

This is probably the best advice in this thread. Nut OP is going to go through with it anyway, so to that, I say his feelings in this don't matter as much as his girlfriends. She doesn't want much of a relationship now with her mother, but that could change as things change in her life if mom, dad, or siblings get sick or pass away or when she becomes a mother herself. She then may want to visit a little bit and then ask you and the kids to come? You may end up facing resentment from siblings who understand now, but become a lot less understanding when they have to become mom's primary caregiver when she's old because they live closer. She could feel guilty because of this and want to move back or what to send more money than maybe you can afford. If mom's behavior is because of mental illness and not just because she's an awful person there's a really good chance that the same mental illness could show up in your kids.

But if you still want to marry you follow your wife's lead and be prepared to leave any gathering that becomes too much. Become a master at deescalating situations.

You've described my MIL. She has actually improved a lot over time. Now in her late 60s she's much more pleasant. Maybe those menopause years were rough for her. We live far away and it hasn't been too bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared not to see her father or her siblings if she has them. This may or may not be a problem for her.

OP here. Most of her siblings also have limited contact with her. They talk to their dad and each other, but they only see her on holidays.

Does your girlfriend get along with her siblings? How long have you been together? And how old is everybody?