Anonymous
07/26/2021 13:37
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:17 yo and 19yo. Rising senior and college freshman I got lucky on the social side. I’m raising little rule following nerdlings. So, we aren’t deal with drugs, alcohol, etc.
On the adulting side, my oldest has significant ADHD and EF deficits, so we definitely hit the adulting/ learning to adult challenges. We started with a Grown and Flown list of things kids needed to know for college and added one every month of 2 over 2 years, plus made an effort to show them things as they came due. Including:
Cooking dinner for the family once a week during the summer
Refilling prescriptions and picking up at pharmacy
Making and keeping routine eye doctor, dentist, college vaccination, ADHD med check appointments
Doing you own laundry (this started at the beginning of high school for us)
Getting a debit card (what you pay for) and credit card (what we pay for) set up and learning online banking
Running errands for the family (mostly grocery store— see parent credit card)
Senior year, managing all the My School Bucks stuff (see parent credit card). We’ll pay for the parking pass, school lunch money, senior fees, extra APs above 5, etc. But the kid has to stay on top of deadlines, fill out the forms and pay the fees
They work through the college process with me, step by step
The really awful one: before college sitting down with them to fill out FERPA and HIPPA waivers, a medical PoA and a financial POA. Which includes a discussion of when they want life support withdrawn. It’s an awful conversation, but part of adulting. Especially during COVID.
Etc.
I see it this way: college is a social-emotional, academic and adulting transition. If they are prepared academically and able to adult (at a low level), then they only need to make the SE adjustment. Which makes it more likely they will succeed.
They don’t just wake up one day able to do this stuff. At least mine didn’t. It was spread out in an intentional way. And my oldest kid really pushed back. In which case, we set a deadline and pulled the iPhone.
Both kids showed a huge jump in maturity and independence when they started driving. And we set the expectation that we let you drive one of our cars, handle maintenance, gas, insurance costs, and in return, you run errands for us, start to manage your own MD appts, errands, etc., help carpool your sibling etc.
Good luck. I’m some people on here found it easy. We did not. But, it was doable because I had a plan.
The driving thing is really important. OP, please get your kid access to a car or a car when they are 16. My parents weren’t poor but were stingy and made it extremely difficult for me to learn to drive or even get a permit until I was done with high school. I got my license at 18 but was learning how to drive at 21. I believe this stunted my development in many ways.
Anonymous
07/26/2021 07:06
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
17 yo and 19yo. Rising senior and college freshman I got lucky on the social side. I’m raising little rule following nerdlings. So, we aren’t deal with drugs, alcohol, etc.
On the adulting side, my oldest has significant ADHD and EF deficits, so we definitely hit the adulting/ learning to adult challenges. We started with a Grown and Flown list of things kids needed to know for college and added one every month of 2 over 2 years, plus made an effort to show them things as they came due. Including:
Cooking dinner for the family once a week during the summer
Refilling prescriptions and picking up at pharmacy
Making and keeping routine eye doctor, dentist, college vaccination, ADHD med check appointments
Doing you own laundry (this started at the beginning of high school for us)
Getting a debit card (what you pay for) and credit card (what we pay for) set up and learning online banking
Running errands for the family (mostly grocery store— see parent credit card)
Senior year, managing all the My School Bucks stuff (see parent credit card). We’ll pay for the parking pass, school lunch money, senior fees, extra APs above 5, etc. But the kid has to stay on top of deadlines, fill out the forms and pay the fees
They work through the college process with me, step by step
The really awful one: before college sitting down with them to fill out FERPA and HIPPA waivers, a medical PoA and a financial POA. Which includes a discussion of when they want life support withdrawn. It’s an awful conversation, but part of adulting. Especially during COVID.
Etc.
I see it this way: college is a social-emotional, academic and adulting transition. If they are prepared academically and able to adult (at a low level), then they only need to make the SE adjustment. Which makes it more likely they will succeed.
They don’t just wake up one day able to do this stuff. At least mine didn’t. It was spread out in an intentional way. And my oldest kid really pushed back. In which case, we set a deadline and pulled the iPhone.
Both kids showed a huge jump in maturity and independence when they started driving. And we set the expectation that we let you drive one of our cars, handle maintenance, gas, insurance costs, and in return, you run errands for us, start to manage your own MD appts, errands, etc., help carpool your sibling etc.
Good luck. I’m some people on here found it easy. We did not. But, it was doable because I had a plan.
On the adulting side, my oldest has significant ADHD and EF deficits, so we definitely hit the adulting/ learning to adult challenges. We started with a Grown and Flown list of things kids needed to know for college and added one every month of 2 over 2 years, plus made an effort to show them things as they came due. Including:
Cooking dinner for the family once a week during the summer
Refilling prescriptions and picking up at pharmacy
Making and keeping routine eye doctor, dentist, college vaccination, ADHD med check appointments
Doing you own laundry (this started at the beginning of high school for us)
Getting a debit card (what you pay for) and credit card (what we pay for) set up and learning online banking
Running errands for the family (mostly grocery store— see parent credit card)
Senior year, managing all the My School Bucks stuff (see parent credit card). We’ll pay for the parking pass, school lunch money, senior fees, extra APs above 5, etc. But the kid has to stay on top of deadlines, fill out the forms and pay the fees
They work through the college process with me, step by step
The really awful one: before college sitting down with them to fill out FERPA and HIPPA waivers, a medical PoA and a financial POA. Which includes a discussion of when they want life support withdrawn. It’s an awful conversation, but part of adulting. Especially during COVID.
Etc.
I see it this way: college is a social-emotional, academic and adulting transition. If they are prepared academically and able to adult (at a low level), then they only need to make the SE adjustment. Which makes it more likely they will succeed.
They don’t just wake up one day able to do this stuff. At least mine didn’t. It was spread out in an intentional way. And my oldest kid really pushed back. In which case, we set a deadline and pulled the iPhone.
Both kids showed a huge jump in maturity and independence when they started driving. And we set the expectation that we let you drive one of our cars, handle maintenance, gas, insurance costs, and in return, you run errands for us, start to manage your own MD appts, errands, etc., help carpool your sibling etc.
Good luck. I’m some people on here found it easy. We did not. But, it was doable because I had a plan.
Anonymous
07/25/2021 09:22
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
I'm trying to focus on the big stuff. College application help, definitely. Making sure my teen is an excellent driver - vital. (I was a skilled beltway driver by the time I started senior year.). And I agree about working - I think I matured a lot my senior year when I got my first job and will encourage my teen to work in a year or so.
However, I went to college not knowing how to do my own laundry, cook, balance a checkbook or manage a budget. I figured all that stuff out on my own and I think I turned out ok!
However, I went to college not knowing how to do my own laundry, cook, balance a checkbook or manage a budget. I figured all that stuff out on my own and I think I turned out ok!
Anonymous
07/25/2021 09:19
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:Not at all. I felt like we were in the home stretch, each of my older kids asked to learn a few things before going off to college (DS was worried about using a washer that took coins for some reason), and we just kept things as simple and calm as possible.
Just have to say that this was hilarious.
Anonymous
07/24/2021 23:32
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
I have a 16 and 18 year old and echo the comments above. I wouldn't dump everything on them at once, but we had them start doing their own laundry around 15. They have to be able to do some basic cooking, grocery shopping for the family, etc. (the pandemic was great for this).
Jobs are very helpful (answering to a boss that is not a parent!), and dealing with logistics of paperwork, getting paid, bank accounts, transportation (driving responsibilities or public transit -- both important). I've also made an effort to expose them to more people different from our family if that makes sense. Lately it's just relatives that may live in a different part of the country and work in different industries -- the DC area is such a bubble. In college they will be meeting different people and figuring out what they want to study, etc.
It's very similar to when they were toddlers and you knew they should learn to do things themselves but you were tired and in a rush so you just did it. Same thing for teens -- it would be easier to just do so much of what they need to learn for them -- but in the long run it will save you aggravation to let them learn!
Jobs are very helpful (answering to a boss that is not a parent!), and dealing with logistics of paperwork, getting paid, bank accounts, transportation (driving responsibilities or public transit -- both important). I've also made an effort to expose them to more people different from our family if that makes sense. Lately it's just relatives that may live in a different part of the country and work in different industries -- the DC area is such a bubble. In college they will be meeting different people and figuring out what they want to study, etc.
It's very similar to when they were toddlers and you knew they should learn to do things themselves but you were tired and in a rush so you just did it. Same thing for teens -- it would be easier to just do so much of what they need to learn for them -- but in the long run it will save you aggravation to let them learn!
Anonymous
07/24/2021 22:11
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Also, know that teens change incredibly fast. Your 18 year old will be VERY different than you 16 year old. Aside from toddlerhood, this is when they mature the quickest.
NP and I love you PP for saying this. Thank you for the reminder.
I have a 18 y.o. and 16 y.o. and my older one is headed for college in the fall. Okay we are in late July here, and in mid-June I was convinced she would not be ready. But I can see signs of stepping up and her envisioning life in the dorm.
I think some kids, like my older one, are the type that rise to the occasion at the last minute. Like, they don't see the need to learn things or do things until they are in the situation. So, for example, some kids don't learn to do laundry until they find themselves in a situation where they are in a dorm, staring at the laundry machine and some friend shows them what to do. And then they learn it.
Other kids, like my younger one, are planners. Last year, my younger one said, "I'm making a list of all the things I need to learn before going to college." Included was sewing and changing a car tire
It's hard psychologically when your younger kid seems to be older than your older kid....
Oh my goodness I am the OP and my two are exactly the same! My younger daughter was born organized and is such a planner. My older daughter is adventurous, outgoing, and does not want to spend the time to learn things until she absolutely has to. And to the PPs mentioning jobs, she did work as a camp counselor for a few weeks and really enjoyed it and rose to the occasion. She said she wants to work more next summer. I agree that it was a great way for her to develop independence.
Anonymous
07/24/2021 17:12
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:Also, know that teens change incredibly fast. Your 18 year old will be VERY different than you 16 year old. Aside from toddlerhood, this is when they mature the quickest.
NP and I love you PP for saying this. Thank you for the reminder.
I have a 18 y.o. and 16 y.o. and my older one is headed for college in the fall. Okay we are in late July here, and in mid-June I was convinced she would not be ready. But I can see signs of stepping up and her envisioning life in the dorm.
I think some kids, like my older one, are the type that rise to the occasion at the last minute. Like, they don't see the need to learn things or do things until they are in the situation. So, for example, some kids don't learn to do laundry until they find themselves in a situation where they are in a dorm, staring at the laundry machine and some friend shows them what to do. And then they learn it.
Other kids, like my younger one, are planners. Last year, my younger one said, "I'm making a list of all the things I need to learn before going to college." Included was sewing and changing a car tire
It's hard psychologically when your younger kid seems to be older than your older kid....
Anonymous
07/24/2021 09:22
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My 15 DS got a job this summer. He has matured so fast and even sees it himself because in his words, he has to act like an adult all day. Your 16 year old should try to work at least part time.
Great point. I have a 16 yr old and agree.
Me too and I also agree. He's busy, he is learning a lot about taking directions from another boss
Plus, he has his own money now and is picky about what he will spend it on. He doesn't have to ask me for money. Win, win.
Anonymous
07/24/2021 09:12
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:My 15 DS got a job this summer. He has matured so fast and even sees it himself because in his words, he has to act like an adult all day. Your 16 year old should try to work at least part time.
Great point. I have a 16 yr old and agree.
Anonymous
07/24/2021 08:57
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:My 15 DS got a job this summer. He has matured so fast and even sees it himself because in his words, he has to act like an adult all day. Your 16 year old should try to work at least part time.
+1, if it’s possible. Getting a job was huge for my kid. And this summer, especially, her having something to do has totally saved everyone’s sanity!
Anonymous
07/24/2021 08:25
Subject: Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
My 15 DS got a job this summer. He has matured so fast and even sees it himself because in his words, he has to act like an adult all day. Your 16 year old should try to work at least part time.
Anonymous
07/23/2021 18:22
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:I'll just say that I have 2 under 2 and what you're dealing with sounds much harder, and higher stakes. Good luck!
Little kid, little problems. Big kids, big problems. It is true. I'd love to go back and deal with potty training and bedtimes right about now.
-mom of a 16 yr old
Anonymous
07/23/2021 16:49
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Yes! I had a friend in college whose parents sat down their three kids aged 14, 16 and 17 and told them they were quitting their jobs as parents. No more waking them up for school, doing their laundry, setting curfews - everything. Both parents had doctorates and told the kids they got their degrees and had no intention of doing more than paying for their kids college tuition, food, clothes and shared car. I thought it was bizarre at the time but now I get the impulse.
Anonymous
07/23/2021 16:42
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
I'll just say that I have 2 under 2 and what you're dealing with sounds much harder, and higher stakes. Good luck!
Anonymous
07/23/2021 16:37
Subject: Re:Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with older teens?
Anonymous wrote:I also find the teen stage to be tough. The balance between preventing problems and letting the. Make choices and live with the consequences is so tough to find. I am working on that a lot now. I have one average kid, one really troubled one and one really easy one. I am fortunate to have good relationships with all of them and my spouse, who is really good about giving me the breaks I need.
I agree. I also have a good relationship with my teens and on the same page as my husband, we both get breaks when we need them.
I used to need physical breaks but now I just need mental breaks.