Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found strict curfews to be infuriating as a teen. If the girls want to watch a long movie that would finish at 9:15, are you really going to enforce a 9 PM curfew? My mom was always willing to allow some flexibility if she knew what we were up to. An Oscar watch party or movie night was totally fine. Wandering the neighborhood was not. Other parents were super strict with timed cutoffs, which I think encouraged rebelling and lying and demonstrated a lack of trust in the teen.

I agree with this. I did not have a curfew growing up, as long as my mom knew where I was. For example, if we agreed that I'd be home at 9:30 but called her during the evening to say I'd be home at 10 instead, she was fine with that. If I didn't call, then she'd be worried sick about me, so as long as I kept in touch, she was fine. I appreciated that she trusted me, and I was responsible. On the other hand, I knew a girl who had a STRICT curfew - grounded if she came home a few minutes late. She was always lying about where she was (sleepover at Jane's!) while having sex with her boyfriend. As far as I can tell, we are both responsible adults, but I was always honest with my parents about my whereabouts.

In any case, I have a rising 9th grade son, and he does not have a set time to come home. He is often at a neighbor friend's house until 10 o'clock. He's a night-owl, though, and so am I, so it's all good, as long as he answers the phone or text when I call. I'm fine with whatever time he comes home, as long as I know where he is and what he is doing. I also have 16 and 19 year old girls. Neither has ever had a curfew. Same rules apply - let me know where you are (I also have them on find friends on the iphone). If it's getting late, I text and ask when they expect to be coming home. If it's really late (like 1 AM for 19 year old), I will tell her to please be home by 1:30 AM, etc. She's really good about keeping in contact, though.

Anonymous wrote:I found strict curfews to be infuriating as a teen. If the girls want to watch a long movie that would finish at 9:15, are you really going to enforce a 9 PM curfew? My mom was always willing to allow some flexibility if she knew what we were up to. An Oscar watch party or movie night was totally fine. Wandering the neighborhood was not. Other parents were super strict with timed cutoffs, which I think encouraged rebelling and lying and demonstrated a lack of trust in the teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

Appreciate this! Thank you.

On the 9:00 suggestion, one thing I struggle with is how I really want her spending her time. If she is home by 9:00, she isn't sleeping. She is in her room on her phone, or watching television, or if I'm really lucky reading a book until 11:00 or later. I would actually rather her be chatting with friends or playing games or whatever for that time. Something feels wrong about requiring her to be home to do that instead of encouraging the social interaction.

This is hard.

If we are talking about when school is in session, no electronics on after 9pm - problem solved. I say this for a HS freshman (I have one too). I'd make allowances if they are fulfilling home obligations and all schoolwork is getting done, but I'd rather start strict and relax than having to try to rein in behavior I have allowed.

I realize I am an old, but when I was in HS weeknights were considered school nights and there just wasn't any discussion of going out with friends just to hang out. School activities or my part-time job were an exception.

OP here. We have exactly that rule on school nights, so I agree with you. I am talking about summer though, which I see as a bit different...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

Appreciate this! Thank you.

On the 9:00 suggestion, one thing I struggle with is how I really want her spending her time. If she is home by 9:00, she isn't sleeping. She is in her room on her phone, or watching television, or if I'm really lucky reading a book until 11:00 or later. I would actually rather her be chatting with friends or playing games or whatever for that time. Something feels wrong about requiring her to be home to do that instead of encouraging the social interaction.

This is hard.

If we are talking about when school is in session, no electronics on after 9pm - problem solved. I say this for a HS freshman (I have one too). I'd make allowances if they are fulfilling home obligations and all schoolwork is getting done, but I'd rather start strict and relax than having to try to rein in behavior I have allowed.

I realize I am an old, but when I was in HS weeknights were considered school nights and there just wasn't any discussion of going out with friends just to hang out. School activities or my part-time job were an exception.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

Appreciate this! Thank you.

On the 9:00 suggestion, one thing I struggle with is how I really want her spending her time. If she is home by 9:00, she isn't sleeping. She is in her room on her phone, or watching television, or if I'm really lucky reading a book until 11:00 or later. I would actually rather her be chatting with friends or playing games or whatever for that time. Something feels wrong about requiring her to be home to do that instead of encouraging the social interaction.

This is hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14yo DD is a rising freshman. This summer she has started going out more frequently with friends, spontaneously and with little planning, often at night. I generally support her independence, she has proven herself to be a mature and trustworthy kid, but the loosey-goosey uncertainty of things is new to me, and I'm not sure how to handle. Could use some advice. A couple questions:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back?
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30)
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right?
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no?

Basically, I'm just asking on how to set my expectations and hers, so we avoid every situation being handled as a one-off. For example, she was at a friend's house tonight and was going to walk home by X time. She calls and says that a parent can pick her up at X+15 minutes so she doesn't have to walk. That time comes and goes and she is still there. Parent hasn't shown up yet. I drive to get her.

I trust my kid. Maybe I just need to adjust to more freedom for her and realize I need to be more flexible....

Case-by-case basis depending on the who, when, and where. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Our schedule varies all the time. Why should hers be different?? I give her expectations for her behavior and what is "right or wrong." But we don't set rules on curfew/timing that are inflexible. I don't find that useful. I get that others do. But, that is not how we approach it.

Anonymous wrote:My 14yo DD is a rising freshman. This summer she has started going out more frequently with friends, spontaneously and with little planning, often at night. I generally support her independence, she has proven herself to be a mature and trustworthy kid, but the loosey-goosey uncertainty of things is new to me, and I'm not sure how to handle. Could use some advice. A couple questions:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back?
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30)
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right?
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no?

Basically, I'm just asking on how to set my expectations and hers, so we avoid every situation being handled as a one-off. For example, she was at a friend's house tonight and was going to walk home by X time. She calls and says that a parent can pick her up at X+15 minutes so she doesn't have to walk. That time comes and goes and she is still there. Parent hasn't shown up yet. I drive to get her.

I trust my kid. Maybe I just need to adjust to more freedom for her and realize I need to be more flexible....

Anonymous wrote:My 14yo DD is a rising freshman. This summer she has started going out more frequently with friends, spontaneously and with little planning, often at night. I generally support her independence, she has proven herself to be a mature and trustworthy kid, but the loosey-goosey uncertainty of things is new to me, and I'm not sure how to handle. Could use some advice. A couple questions:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back?
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30)
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right?
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no?

Basically, I'm just asking on how to set my expectations and hers, so we avoid every situation being handled as a one-off. For example, she was at a friend's house tonight and was going to walk home by X time. She calls and says that a parent can pick her up at X+15 minutes so she doesn't have to walk. That time comes and goes and she is still there. Parent hasn't shown up yet. I drive to get her.

I trust my kid. Maybe I just need to adjust to more freedom for her and realize I need to be more flexible....

Anonymous wrote:PP (but different one) here,

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's not about having a curfew. It's about knowing how long it should take her to get home from wherever she is, and exactly what time she leaves where she is to set out towards home. The issue is safety.

This poster is wise talking about what matters. I spent the past few decades working in a field where I see a lot of teens who have been in catastrophic accidents. A common denominator is this. They had a curfew and they left for home late then rushed to get there on time. The real key for me is conveying the time they need to leave and making sure they understand that they need to get home safely and I am not concerned with how long that takes.

4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? Absolutely not. If you get permission to go to a friend's house, you have permission to be AT THAT FRIEND'S HOUSE. If the kids want to go somewhere else, MY kids need to get permission.

This is a tough one. I think it is presumptuous to set rules in someone else's house. But, I think it's ok to agree to the sleepover with the condition that they cannot leave the house. Then if the other parent isn't onboard, they can decide your daughter shouldn't be included. I am not a fan of sleepovers at other people's houses because of this sort of issue. But, on the other hand, I allow kids who sleepover to go out skateboarding or hoverboarding after dark when they are at my house and no one has ever thought this was a problem. (For the most part I don't live in the DMV anymore and the community we are in is a fun place for that sort of activity).