Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 13:43     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
What if your children marry people with divorced parents? That is even harder. Don't pile too much travel on the shoulders of young people who are struggling with budgets, careers, and babies.

It seems like your desire for an "annual tradition" stems from anxiety that time together may not happen without the oomph of "tradition". And I think you may need to accept that yes, it may not happen, and that's how it goes.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 13:39     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
My in-laws expect ONE major holiday per year and it is either Thanksgiving or Christmas in strict alternation. Other things are planned as hoc and they don't give us any pushback if we decline. If they want a family trip they give ample notice--like 18 months-- so that everyone can budget their vacation time.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 13:35     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
+1 to the idea of an alternate holiday. In my family we do Easter and everyone is off the hook for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's such a blessing to avoid winter travel and I really appreciate it.

And +1 to not making "annual" an expectation. I would rather turn down a trip than enter into an expectation that I go every year. They will eventually have their own in-laws who may expect some of their vacation time as well. New babies come when they come.

And +1 to not expecting too much gratitude. They, especially your future DILs and SILs, are probably doing this as a favor to you, rather than you as a favor to them, and if you don't like that feeling it isn't their problem. It's the truth and pretending otherwise will do nobody any good. Vacation time off work is precious, more precious than gold, and no free trip is actually that much fun if you don't truly want to go or if it causes a problem for you at work. Don't pretend they have as much vacation time as you do in a more senior place in your career.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 13:34     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
Op, you will need to manage your expectations (as in, not have any) And I am probably your age with adult children. We get along great, but you will need to have a very soft approach. Young people, usually, do not feel confident re: time off. How much time they will have off. Feeling confident about it very far in advance. They may wish to please you, and yet, you are close to needing to please them. They will likely need to be in the driver's seat re: plans.

Don't have "tradition" guide your plans. When you mentioned tradition, there is an expression ~ Tradition is the Tyranny of Fixed Expectations.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 12:29     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
Tauck tours--the "Bridges" subsection. It's top of the line, all inclusive. You can get three generations of families on there, there is something for everyone. We've done two of them (although with tweens). However, the youngest kid must be over 7 years old, so you don't have to deal with little kids having tantrums etc.

Perhaps Christmastime is the best time as most young adults have that off. My DH and I both used to work in BigLaw and that week between Christmas and New Year's was really the only week we could relax, because the clients are vacationing so not demanding work to be done.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 12:16     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I like traveling with my parents, and have done it a few times. We also have a pretty standard beach trip that has become pretty annual (covid threw it for a loop though).

But if my parents tried to start an "annual trip" - that would make me really uncomfortable. I can't commit to something like that indefinitely. I couldn't in my 20s, I can't now in my 30s. You don't know where you'll be working, where you'll be living, who you'll be dating, what your financial situation will be like, what your vacation day options will be like, or what you'll even want. Add in the potential for marriage and kids (and other people's weddings! The year I was 26 I went to SEVEN out of town weddings!) and it's just too much to fathom.

So - I would leave the concept of "annual" out of it - and just ask them to go on vacation with you. Go, have fun, and then go from there. You can always propose another one for the next year. But don't put your kid in a position of making a commitment to an annual trip - as a 20-30 something, that's a HUGE, and nearly impossible, commitment. And if you set it up like that, I'd be less likely to go at all because I wouldn't want to set up unreasonable expectations.

Even if it does work out, they like it, and you go most years - it will be most years, not all. That has to be okay.


Please. Yes you can within reason. My MIL declared her preference for 4th July to be her holiday when her first child got married, and basically released everyone from obligations during the rest of the year - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. Other than years we have been living overseas we have gone for the family 4th July. We even cart ourselves to the parade no one wants to go to anymore and have a good time. It's been a great 20+ year tradition.


LOL. My inlaws had 4th of July too, but then I had a baby born on the 4th of July (true story) and they couldn't understand why I wouldn't commit the year I was 41 weeks pregnant on the 4th of July. And then they're pissed every year that my kid wants their own party and that my parents want to celebrate too. They say that I stole the 4th of July from them. You just can't claim a grandchild's birthday as your tradition, especially when there are other grandparents and other aunts/uncles to consider too.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 12:13     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
"Annual" and "tradition" would make my really wary. I just couldn't commit to something like that. I spent my 20s traveling to really exotic places with dh and my friends with what little annual leave I had. I mean backpacking through Europe, India, Asia, etc. Things you can't do once you have kids or get older. I absolutely hate beaches too and hate house rentals, so a beach house is the worst thing ever. My inlaws are always trying to make some annual tradition happen and we just can't. I don't see why we can't have new experiences every year? If we had fun one year at some place, why do we have to return there? DH feels the same.

It's worked out better the way my parents do vacations. We brainstorm where we want to go, plan it and go together. We just did a big trip to Patagonia with our kids and it was wonderful. Started in Buenos Aires and met up there. Neither set pays for us. I also think our situation might be different because DH and I got together at 20, and I know my inlaws are bitter about not having him to themselves at all as an adult.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 12:02     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I like traveling with my parents, and have done it a few times. We also have a pretty standard beach trip that has become pretty annual (covid threw it for a loop though).

But if my parents tried to start an "annual trip" - that would make me really uncomfortable. I can't commit to something like that indefinitely. I couldn't in my 20s, I can't now in my 30s. You don't know where you'll be working, where you'll be living, who you'll be dating, what your financial situation will be like, what your vacation day options will be like, or what you'll even want. Add in the potential for marriage and kids (and other people's weddings! The year I was 26 I went to SEVEN out of town weddings!) and it's just too much to fathom.

So - I would leave the concept of "annual" out of it - and just ask them to go on vacation with you. Go, have fun, and then go from there. You can always propose another one for the next year. But don't put your kid in a position of making a commitment to an annual trip - as a 20-30 something, that's a HUGE, and nearly impossible, commitment. And if you set it up like that, I'd be less likely to go at all because I wouldn't want to set up unreasonable expectations.

Even if it does work out, they like it, and you go most years - it will be most years, not all. That has to be okay.


Please. Yes you can within reason. My MIL declared her preference for 4th July to be her holiday when her first child got married, and basically released everyone from obligations during the rest of the year - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. Other than years we have been living overseas we have gone for the family 4th July. We even cart ourselves to the parade no one wants to go to anymore and have a good time. It's been a great 20+ year tradition.


My family did this for Thanksgiving. I think the key on the parent/grandparent side is follow through on no other expectations.

That being said, annual vacations seem to form out of nostalgia and habit, and OP might have missed the window of nostalgia (at least until grandkids can start making cousin memories). I agree that lower key is the way to go to start. Flexibility now, so that the kids only have good memories and *want* to go/miss it when they’re not there, will help establish a long-term annual vacation far more deeply than a request for an annual vacation. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:58     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I like traveling with my parents, and have done it a few times. We also have a pretty standard beach trip that has become pretty annual (covid threw it for a loop though).

But if my parents tried to start an "annual trip" - that would make me really uncomfortable. I can't commit to something like that indefinitely. I couldn't in my 20s, I can't now in my 30s. You don't know where you'll be working, where you'll be living, who you'll be dating, what your financial situation will be like, what your vacation day options will be like, or what you'll even want. Add in the potential for marriage and kids (and other people's weddings! The year I was 26 I went to SEVEN out of town weddings!) and it's just too much to fathom.

So - I would leave the concept of "annual" out of it - and just ask them to go on vacation with you. Go, have fun, and then go from there. You can always propose another one for the next year. But don't put your kid in a position of making a commitment to an annual trip - as a 20-30 something, that's a HUGE, and nearly impossible, commitment. And if you set it up like that, I'd be less likely to go at all because I wouldn't want to set up unreasonable expectations.

Even if it does work out, they like it, and you go most years - it will be most years, not all. That has to be okay.


This is good advice.

I went to a TON of weddings in my 20s. I met my DH when I was 25 (he was 29) and our friend groups did not overlap. So we were professional wedding attendees! So many cocktail dresses (thanks Macys!).


+1 We have started an annual trip with my mom and my two siblings and our families. Picking a different location each year for 1 week. This year one nephew (19) will probably only come for a few days. Next year it's possible my DS (starting college in the Fall) won't be able to do more than a few days. But, I enjoy the time with my mom and siblings who live all over the country. And my brother's kids are little so they'll be joining us for a while. So, I expect we'll keep doing this for us and welcome the kids with open arms and no guilt if they can't come. I think varying the location every year makes it more appealing since we aren't giving up a week of vacation to always go the same place. Recent trips have included CA beaches, Colorado, and Cape Cod.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:52     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:I like traveling with my parents, and have done it a few times. We also have a pretty standard beach trip that has become pretty annual (covid threw it for a loop though).

But if my parents tried to start an "annual trip" - that would make me really uncomfortable. I can't commit to something like that indefinitely. I couldn't in my 20s, I can't now in my 30s. You don't know where you'll be working, where you'll be living, who you'll be dating, what your financial situation will be like, what your vacation day options will be like, or what you'll even want. Add in the potential for marriage and kids (and other people's weddings! The year I was 26 I went to SEVEN out of town weddings!) and it's just too much to fathom.

So - I would leave the concept of "annual" out of it - and just ask them to go on vacation with you. Go, have fun, and then go from there. You can always propose another one for the next year. But don't put your kid in a position of making a commitment to an annual trip - as a 20-30 something, that's a HUGE, and nearly impossible, commitment. And if you set it up like that, I'd be less likely to go at all because I wouldn't want to set up unreasonable expectations.

Even if it does work out, they like it, and you go most years - it will be most years, not all. That has to be okay.


Please. Yes you can within reason. My MIL declared her preference for 4th July to be her holiday when her first child got married, and basically released everyone from obligations during the rest of the year - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. Other than years we have been living overseas we have gone for the family 4th July. We even cart ourselves to the parade no one wants to go to anymore and have a good time. It's been a great 20+ year tradition.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:37     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:I like traveling with my parents, and have done it a few times. We also have a pretty standard beach trip that has become pretty annual (covid threw it for a loop though).

But if my parents tried to start an "annual trip" - that would make me really uncomfortable. I can't commit to something like that indefinitely. I couldn't in my 20s, I can't now in my 30s. You don't know where you'll be working, where you'll be living, who you'll be dating, what your financial situation will be like, what your vacation day options will be like, or what you'll even want. Add in the potential for marriage and kids (and other people's weddings! The year I was 26 I went to SEVEN out of town weddings!) and it's just too much to fathom.

So - I would leave the concept of "annual" out of it - and just ask them to go on vacation with you. Go, have fun, and then go from there. You can always propose another one for the next year. But don't put your kid in a position of making a commitment to an annual trip - as a 20-30 something, that's a HUGE, and nearly impossible, commitment. And if you set it up like that, I'd be less likely to go at all because I wouldn't want to set up unreasonable expectations.

Even if it does work out, they like it, and you go most years - it will be most years, not all. That has to be okay.


Yeah, this is giving me anxiety on behalf of OP’s kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:35     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:We’ve done it every year. Now we have grandkids. It’s great. Sometimes we go as a large group, sometimes we go with each child and family. They also take trips with just their families or as a couple and we babysit.


another idea is to meet half-way depending on where your kids are. if they have kids, you could offer to babysit one day or evening when you're on vacation.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:32     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
We (grandparents, parents, and young kids) rent an air bb and have done the Caribbean (Grenada, St. Lucia, and looking to do St. Kitts next year), national parks, and outer banks. Key is to be flexible as not all parties have same physical abilities or interests. We limit to a week.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:28     Subject: Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:Once they partner up, there will be other families to vacation/spend holidays/visits with. So keep your expectations low and flexible.

“We’re getting a beach house in Fenwick next summer, and we’d love it if you could join us for a few days.” Or whatever. Plan the vacation YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND want, then invite them along. If they can make it great; if not, fine.


I do something similar. I plan our vacations and then send out itineraries. No pressure, but my family all does like the same sorts of activity so, when they can, they love to vacation with us. But, usually it's for part of the time, not the entire trip.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2021 11:21     Subject: Re:Yearly vacations with adult children
Anonymous wrote:I like traveling with my parents, and have done it a few times. We also have a pretty standard beach trip that has become pretty annual (covid threw it for a loop though).

But if my parents tried to start an "annual trip" - that would make me really uncomfortable. I can't commit to something like that indefinitely. I couldn't in my 20s, I can't now in my 30s. You don't know where you'll be working, where you'll be living, who you'll be dating, what your financial situation will be like, what your vacation day options will be like, or what you'll even want. Add in the potential for marriage and kids (and other people's weddings! The year I was 26 I went to SEVEN out of town weddings!) and it's just too much to fathom.

So - I would leave the concept of "annual" out of it - and just ask them to go on vacation with you. Go, have fun, and then go from there. You can always propose another one for the next year. But don't put your kid in a position of making a commitment to an annual trip - as a 20-30 something, that's a HUGE, and nearly impossible, commitment. And if you set it up like that, I'd be less likely to go at all because I wouldn't want to set up unreasonable expectations.

Even if it does work out, they like it, and you go most years - it will be most years, not all. That has to be okay.


This is good advice.

I went to a TON of weddings in my 20s. I met my DH when I was 25 (he was 29) and our friend groups did not overlap. So we were professional wedding attendees! So many cocktail dresses (thanks Macys!).