Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

Are there any views that you find so harmful that they would render the person holding them odious enough to you to avoid his or her company? If so, then you are basically saying that racist views don't rise to that level, in your view. Some of us feel differently.

Anonymous wrote:A lot has changed in 20 years. Just go, have a wonderful time at the pool, be a gracious guest, and show her how wrong she was. My guess is that she has changed her opinion over the years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I suppose I'm torn between the "hard nopes" and the posters who wrote re: "conciliation/education". I do believe Aunt Becky wants to see the kids and it was her idea -- although I have no idea if she is holds racist views or has reformed in her older age. I recognize this is a petty feeling and probably below me, but I also want for some "consequences" to fall upon Aunt Becky (i.e., you were racist to me, so the price to pay for that is you cannot have a relationship with my family).

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I suppose I'm torn between the "hard nopes" and the posters who wrote re: "conciliation/education". I do believe Aunt Becky wants to see the kids and it was her idea -- although I have no idea if she is holds racist views or has reformed in her older age. I recognize this is a petty feeling and probably below me, but I also want for some "consequences" to fall upon Aunt Becky (i.e., you were racist to me, so the price to pay for that is you cannot have a relationship with my family).

Anonymous wrote:I'm currently visiting family of my husband in another state. My husband and I are from different races -- he's white, I'm a minority. We have been together for 20 years. When we first started dating, an aunt of my husband (not actually an aunt, but a cousin of his mother, let's call her "Aunt Becky") said some very racist things about me to his mother. and others. Aunt Becky said people from my race were no good and that my husband should break up with me and even lobbied some relatives to push for our breakup (for the record, this was seconded by multiple people, so it is not mere hearsay). Anyway, I was very hurt at the time but since Aunt Becky lives in another state, we don't deal with her and my husband could care less about her opinion, the whole thing was forgotten.

Fast forward 20 years. We have three beautiful children. His mother still has a good relationship with Aunt Becky. His mother now wants to take the kids to Aunt Becky's house to use her pool and spend the afternoon there. I don't know how to feel about it. Even though it was a long time ago, I was deeply affected by Aunt Becky's racism (I had never really experienced something so direct like that) and was really hurt as I very much loved (and still love) my husband and couldn't believe someone I never met could hurl a desire to break us up on account of my race. I also have some fears that this person could be nasty to my children or say something hurtful.

My question is: am I being petty here? Should I say something? Should I say that I don't want my children spending time with Aunt Becky? I don't want to make an issue out of something 20 years old but I have this physical reaction to the name "Aunt Becky" and for me the wound is still raw. What do you think I should do?

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I suppose I'm torn between the "hard nopes" and the posters who wrote re: "conciliation/education". I do believe Aunt Becky wants to see the kids and it was her idea -- although I have no idea if she is holds racist views or has reformed in her older age. I recognize this is a petty feeling and probably below me, but I also want for some "consequences" to fall upon Aunt Becky (i.e., you were racist to me, so the price to pay for that is you cannot have a relationship with my family).