Anonymous wrote:It would be tough for me to take that chance. I battle my own weight, so I don't want someone who can help me slip into an unhealthy situation. I also don't want my kid to have 2 sets of fat genes. But I admit, I'm very sensitive and shallow about weight, so I'd not be a good match for you anyway.

I find this so gross to expect something of someone else you can't expect of yourself. I'm female and I would not have dated a fat guy or formerly fat guy because I wouldn't want kids to have fat genes but...I at least bring thin genes to the table. Why would a genetically thin person want to roll the dice with your fat genes?

Stay away from anyone who expects you to stay thin. You may stay thin, I hope you do, but they need to accept you if you don’t. Life throws curve balls and our bodies Change. I had lost 50 lbs when I met my ex. Over 5-6 of marriage I gained it all back and then more with kid. He left me for one reason, weight and weight alone. He was very clear. He was disgusted and wanted to be with a thin person.

Counterpoint to some of these responses.

I know a woman who was never obese but was definitely overweight in her 20s. She started to lose the weight right around 30 and became very diet and exercise conscious. She went from probably a size 10 or so down to a size 2. She really loved being that thin and became semi-obsessed with herself, posting lots of photos of herself on social media, getting really into fashion that showed it off, etc. All fine, no judgment. She met and married a man during this era of her life.

Turns out she had a borderline eating disorder and was also semi-addicted to working out. I don't think she was super unhealthy before she lost the weight (probably could have stood to exercise more, but I really don't think she ever had issues with food before she started slimming down). She has gained some but not all of the weight back. But the real issue is that she has food issues, self image issues, and now health issues related to her up and down weight. She has a persistent thyroid condition that has to be medicated and can really impact her mood and energy levels (hard to say if the thyroid issue came before the initial weight loss or maybe has been exacerbated by unhealthy dieting and this kind of feast or famine approach to exercise). She also has multiple chronic injuries due to her earlier exercise obsession and now it is harder for her to find ways to exercise healthfully.

It's not so much that her weight loss was a sign that she was going to gain it back. It's that those kinds of transformations can be a huge change in someone's life and might indicate some other underlying issues. I don't think it's automatically shallow to be a bit put off by someone who did a 180 on weight at some point, in the same way that I might be put off by someone who converted to a totally new religion in their late 20s, or some other fundamental shift in behavior. I might wonder if they would be overzealous (no zealot like a convert, as they say), or masking other issues. I wouldn't write them off automatically, but it might throw up a red flag.

It would be tough for me to take that chance. I battle my own weight, so I don't want someone who can help me slip into an unhealthy situation. I also don't want my kid to have 2 sets of fat genes. But I admit, I'm very sensitive and shallow about weight, so I'd not be a good match for you anyway.

I would never want to date a guy that was judgmental about weight gain. I have been thin my whole life but that kind of attitude is very unattractive to me. I’ve been a bit heavier after each of my 4 pregnancies and my husband still could not keep his hands off of me. He also supported me in exercising and eating healthy when I wanted to shed the weight.

OP, don’t think about what men want in dating, think about what you want. There are many men that would understand your struggles and would be supportive of you maintaining your health, would you really want to seriously date someone who wasn’t?

I was 80lbs overweight for part of my twenties due to bad eating habits, lack of physical fitness, and some health issues. I became very focused on nutrition and lost all of the weight. I have been able to keep it over for over 10 years now. I have had two kids and only gained 30lbs with each pregnancy and lost that weight quickly. My husband knows I was overweight and it was never a problem. He actually kept trying to feed me more food during my pregnancies because he heard women are supposed to gain a lot of weight. I never restricted myself but I also didn’t sit and eat a ton of junk. I ate very healthy and worked out throughout both of my pregnancies. We are both very active people and do many things together like cooking and working out. You need to find someone supportive of you and your journey. I would wait a little though until you have had several dates and a guy gets to know you before talking about it. You do not need to share that on a the first couple of dates. My husband knew about it at about a month in before we had sex. The right guy will come along.

Anonymous wrote:OP, chances are you are only dating fit, healthy men so it makes sense that many would be wary. Would you date someone who used to be (or is currently) overweight?

OP here. I’m not attracted to overweight men but have no issue dating men who used to be overweight. I don’t need a super fit guy. I’m not into super fit guys with lots of muscles. I just want someone who cares about heather eating and working out as much as I do. It’s important for me to have a partner who values those things too.

OP, chances are you are only dating fit, healthy men so it makes sense that many would be wary. Would you date someone who used to be (or is currently) overweight?

Honestly, in OP's position I would want to bring it up as a way to screen out shallow fatphobes. I don't think it needs to be a first date conversation, though.

Anonymous wrote:People are shallow. Research shows the most important factor when searching for a romantic partner is looks. This is 100x true for women dating men.

I used to be overweight and now am not. I never lied about it but also did not keep pictures of that time in life hanging around either. DH did not know that I was overweight until we had been married for three years. Now that I am middle aged with kids and I am the exact same size as the day we married. Meanwhile DHs exes are all significantly bigger. He doesn't say rude comments about them but I can tell that he would not be attracted to me if I gained a significant amount of weight (some would be fine, he is always tells me to eat more junk food). The reality is that there are certain proportions that scientifically proven to be attractive to most men.

I do whatever I can to stay thin since the world judges overweight people (women especially) so harshly. Fortunately I have figured out what I need to do so it's not too much effort. When I was single, I had so many more dates when I lost weight. I don't see why you need to bring this up in conversation with a date or boyfriend unless he specifically asks or brings it up first. Why limit yourself. I doubt these guys that you are dating are randomly volunteering every mistake they've made.

This, casual dates don't need to know your life story. Just enjoy the date as is.

I have heard guys talk about this (2nd hand) and basically if youve ever been overweight its a no-go. They basically assume that all women will gain weight after children and menopause and so its better to hedge their bets on a really skinny women gaining "curves" after children or only being skinny fat after menopause. It also goes into their consideration that their children may be overweight or fat if mom is genetically predisposed. Dont be fooled by wanting to meet parents either, they check out your mom to see a potential glimpse into the future.

I honestly dont see why you feel the need to share this about yourself. Everyone has ebbs and flows with weight and health. I will say that with PCOS (as someone who suffers with PCOS) pregnancy and postpartum wreaked havoc on me. Im still 3 years post and it is slow working back. Sleepless nights, stress, etc. will all be contributors. Be aware that you do have a metabolic disadvantage but keep steady.

People are shallow. Research shows the most important factor when searching for a romantic partner is looks. This is 100x true for women dating men.

I used to be overweight and now am not. I never lied about it but also did not keep pictures of that time in life hanging around either. DH did not know that I was overweight until we had been married for three years. Now that I am middle aged with kids and I am the exact same size as the day we married. Meanwhile DHs exes are all significantly bigger. He doesn't say rude comments about them but I can tell that he would not be attracted to me if I gained a significant amount of weight (some would be fine, he is always tells me to eat more junk food). The reality is that there are certain proportions that scientifically proven to be attractive to most men.

I do whatever I can to stay thin since the world judges overweight people (women especially) so harshly. Fortunately I have figured out what I need to do so it's not too much effort. When I was single, I had so many more dates when I lost weight. I don't see why you need to bring this up in conversation with a date or boyfriend unless he specifically asks or brings it up first. Why limit yourself. I doubt these guys that you are dating are randomly volunteering every mistake they've made.

As long as you’re not crazy. I dated a woman who lost a ton of weight and was crazy obsessed with food. She was crazy rigid and wouldn’t even eat fries on occasion or anything “ bad”. It became too much when she started telling me how bad the things I was eating were. I was eating simple stuff like whole grain bread and yogurt. Apparently she thought only whole foods were healthy and didn’t eat anything else besides chicken, fruits, veggies, and healthy fats. It was strange.

My wife was like you OP. She lost the weight about 3 years before we met and it was never an issue. I was always fit but she was hot and her weight didn’t matter to me. I really liked her and grew to love her. We have two kids and she is back to being fit. Not that it matters much to me but I know some claim women who were overweight get fat again after having kids. I’m sure it’s true in some cases but not with her.

I love that men think it’s a problem but they have no issue getting fat after they get married. I know so many men who expect women to be skinny but get fat after they get married.