I have a friend with primary custody who moved considerably further from her ex. Even though she's the primary custodian, she decided not to create an issue with visitation/rock the boat so to speak so she makes the drive to drop of the kids with their dad. It's a LONG drive but she could have easily made a case for meeting half way. Sometimes it's easier not to fight....

My custody agreement provides that dad picks up kids after school FROM SCHOOL for his weekend visitation; drops off AT SCHOOL on Monday. So if Dad were to move, that portion stays. In the summer, I pick up for my time. He picks up for his. It doesn't matter where we are.

I would get an updated parenting agreement that Ex does majority of the driving since he is the one moving. If you want to be charitable, you can offer to meet him part way once every 4th time.

I have a friend who does have primary custody, but since she moved out of state, she is responsible for most of the travel expenses back and forth for her daughter. In this case, it's a flight.

I was the kid in this situation. It sucked. It made it next to impossible for me to participate in anything that required me to consistently be there on the weekends. I missed homecoming my freshman and sophomore year because it was my dad's weekend and he wouldn't switch or let me skip. His stance was that spending time with him was more important than anything else I could be doing at age 14-18, and this mentality contributed pretty significantly to our tense relationship through my 20s.

At some point, your ex is going to need to recognize that your kids are going to have social needs that are different than they were when they were little kids. It is a big thing to require kids to leave their lives behind every weekend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make him agree to do all the driving

OP here: and if my ex refuses?

What are the odds a court will make us split/share driving?

I think that's really hard to predict. Might be worth a consult with an attorney just to strategize. What you want here is for your ex to have to go back to court and bear the burden of demonstrating why you and the kids should have to make adjustments to accommodate his decision to move based on his lifestyle preference/relationship. Ideally, you should be open to some compromise, but if that's going to put you in a position where you appear to be flaunting the custody agreement, you don't want that. Meaning, if you agree to meet him halfway and the kids refuse to go, will he or can he use that against you? I think an attorney can help you sort it out - there's definitely an argument to be made that you refuse to drive them, put in writing that the kids are unhappy with the new distance and that it will interfere with x, y, z activity, as well as make it logistically very difficult to complete school projects/homework if something gets left behind, and on that basis, you object.

If he had to move for his job that would be totally different. Or if the kids were much younger. As it is right now, he could stick it out for 4 years until the youngest is 18.

Personally, if I'm the judge, I'm going to tell dad that a) he's violating the 50 mile rule already in place in the agreement, and b) if he chooses to move forward then mom is under no obligation to provide transportation. But that's my opinion, which is worth the ones and zeroes it's written in.

I’d offer to drive 30 minutes (a total of one hour of round trip driving for you) for each pick up and drop off because it makes you look like a team player who isn’t throwing up roadblocks to visitation, but at the same time, I’d suggest an alternative visitation schedule that is less disruptive to your kids’ extracurricular activities and requires less travel, but gives Dad the same amount of time. Maybe he gets them one weekend a month, plus a long stretch in the summer, plus a good chunk of spring break and a few days between Christmas and New Years’s, even if you have Christmas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make him agree to do all the driving

OP here: and if my ex refuses?

What are the odds a court will make us split/share driving?

I have known judges to order splitting the driving 50/50. I don't think anyone can tell you the odds. It is kind of luck of the draw because it depends on the judge - it's totally within their discretion.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should make him agree to do all the driving

OP here: and if my ex refuses?

What are the odds a court will make us split/share driving?

I think you should make him agree to do all the driving

Maybe your ex could get a hotel room in the area every other weekend and have his visitation there.

Your kids are going to be so miserable. I am sorry for them. Whatever you all decide to do with transportation, I would push that he has to do pick up at your house. Then it's up to your kids to get in his car. Otherwise, if they refuse to get in your car, your ex can claim that you didn't do your part in delivering them.

OP again: I also know that sometimes the solution when a parent moves far away is to spend the school year with one parent, summers with the other, holidays split. But my kids are even more adamant that they don’t want to do that. They don’t want to be away from part time job/friends/activities all summer long, and at their ages, I understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 16 and aren’t going to want to be trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend. Has your ex considered this? Is your 16 year old driving?

16 year old can drive but does not have their own car, nor am I comfortable letting my kid drive my car 3 hours round trip every other weekend with little sibling in the car (and more in the summer).

Ex thinks the schedule should stay exactly the same. Kids are very unhappy about it.

I asked about 16 year old driving not to drive there 80 miles away but so they aren’t trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend and can at least drive 15 minutes away to get ice cream or go to a movie. I think your kids aren’t going to be willing to go on a regular basis. If your kids are unhappy I would have them send that parent a text so there is documentation they don’t want that parent to move.

OP here: But what is that going to do? Can’t I still be held in contempt for not following our court ordered schedule? I know they don’t want to go
- they are adamant about that - but I also know my ex has a right to see our kids. I don’t want to get in trouble for not facilitating visitation, or telling them “yes you can stay here this weekend instead, I know Larlo’s party is very important to you.”

I don't know about contempt, but if ex shows up to pick them up and they physically refuse to go, I don't think that's on you. Are you supposed to physically force a 16 year old (who's probably almost as big as you) into their parent's car?

I really don't know how every other weekend is going to work with kids this age. My own kids don't have a ton of activities but I was in band in high school. Being elsewhere every other weekend would not have worked and I would not have given it up.

OP here: yes, my kids are involved in various school activities (mainly sports), some of which take place on the weekends. They aren’t crazy overscheduled kids, but there is some stuff going on. So I’m concerned about the logistics as well.

But I just don’t see a judge awarding less time on paper than my ex has now (25%) - I’ve been told anecdotally you basically have to be a rapist/murderer to get less parenting time than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 16 and aren’t going to want to be trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend. Has your ex considered this? Is your 16 year old driving?

16 year old can drive but does not have their own car, nor am I comfortable letting my kid drive my car 3 hours round trip every other weekend with little sibling in the car (and more in the summer).

Ex thinks the schedule should stay exactly the same. Kids are very unhappy about it.

I asked about 16 year old driving not to drive there 80 miles away but so they aren’t trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend and can at least drive 15 minutes away to get ice cream or go to a movie. I think your kids aren’t going to be willing to go on a regular basis. If your kids are unhappy I would have them send that parent a text so there is documentation they don’t want that parent to move.

OP here: But what is that going to do? Can’t I still be held in contempt for not following our court ordered schedule? I know they don’t want to go
- they are adamant about that - but I also know my ex has a right to see our kids. I don’t want to get in trouble for not facilitating visitation, or telling them “yes you can stay here this weekend instead, I know Larlo’s party is very important to you.”

I don't know about contempt, but if ex shows up to pick them up and they physically refuse to go, I don't think that's on you. Are you supposed to physically force a 16 year old (who's probably almost as big as you) into their parent's car?

I really don't know how every other weekend is going to work with kids this age. My own kids don't have a ton of activities but I was in band in high school. Being elsewhere every other weekend would not have worked and I would not have given it up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 16 and aren’t going to want to be trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend. Has your ex considered this? Is your 16 year old driving?

16 year old can drive but does not have their own car, nor am I comfortable letting my kid drive my car 3 hours round trip every other weekend with little sibling in the car (and more in the summer).

Ex thinks the schedule should stay exactly the same. Kids are very unhappy about it.

I asked about 16 year old driving not to drive there 80 miles away but so they aren’t trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend and can at least drive 15 minutes away to get ice cream or go to a movie. I think your kids aren’t going to be willing to go on a regular basis. If your kids are unhappy I would have them send that parent a text so there is documentation they don’t want that parent to move.

OP here: But what is that going to do? Can’t I still be held in contempt for not following our court ordered schedule? I know they don’t want to go
- they are adamant about that - but I also know my ex has a right to see our kids. I don’t want to get in trouble for not facilitating visitation, or telling them “yes you can stay here this weekend instead, I know Larlo’s party is very important to you.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree you shouldn’t have to take on a big extra burden because your ex is choosing to move, 45 minutes isn’t really that big a drive. Is there somewhere you’d actually want to go regularly somewhere in between (eg I’d love a regular excuse to browse at an IKEA)?

It’s a 3 hour round trip drive. Ex is proposing that he does one round trip drive, and I do the other, every weekend ex has visitation.

There is absolutely nowhere I would want to go regularly in between. Ex is moving to the middle of nowhere.

Yeah I was suggesting you go halfway there instead. Anyway, just say no. Let him worry about what a judge would or would not enforce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 14 and 16 and aren’t going to want to be trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend. Has your ex considered this? Is your 16 year old driving?

16 year old can drive but does not have their own car, nor am I comfortable letting my kid drive my car 3 hours round trip every other weekend with little sibling in the car (and more in the summer).

Ex thinks the schedule should stay exactly the same. Kids are very unhappy about it.

I asked about 16 year old driving not to drive there 80 miles away but so they aren’t trapped in the middle of nowhere every other weekend and can at least drive 15 minutes away to get ice cream or go to a movie. I think your kids aren’t going to be willing to go on a regular basis. If your kids are unhappy I would have them send that parent a text so there is documentation they don’t want that parent to move.