Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a guy who spent $30,000 fighting his wife because he wanted full custody so the kids wouldn't have to go back and forth between houses every week. They lived in the same school district so that's what she wanted. He lost.

Lol! $30K is nothing for a trial. He mush have hired a cheap attorney. Usually it is 2-3x the retainer and in this area retainers run at about $10-15K easy.

This. My whole divorce cost about $40K and there wasn’t even a custody trial.

Anonymous wrote:I know a guy who spent $30,000 fighting his wife because he wanted full custody so the kids wouldn't have to go back and forth between houses every week. They lived in the same school district so that's what she wanted. He lost.

Lol! $30K is nothing for a trial. He mush have hired a cheap attorney. Usually it is 2-3x the retainer and in this area retainers run at about $10-15K easy.

I know a guy who spent $30,000 fighting his wife because he wanted full custody so the kids wouldn't have to go back and forth between houses every week. They lived in the same school district so that's what she wanted. He lost.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, don’t fight for full custody. If you do, it will get bad.
Ask for primary physical custody due to school (or whatever). Typically dads are ok with that.
Like most non-custodial dads, it will be 2 weekends a month and usually 50/50 summer. Typically they cancel and it goes to a weekend every other month.

Any educated or loving dad doesn't take this anymore and that's why the situation is changing.

Anonymous wrote:I knew a child whose father broke into their home beat mom unconscious, kidnapped kid who was found by police in an apartment where Dad was squatting. Dad was unconscious on heroin and toddler was wandering around unsupervised.

He got unsupervised visitation when he got out of jail.

I agree that fathers' need to have more rights in family courts because they have been getting short end of the stick for a while but this is nuts. WTF

[quote=Anonymous]OP here. How do parents choose between what they need for themselves and what is best for their children? I don’t want to be married to this person but how do I weigh that with my children’s needs? I also feel guilty that if I hadn’t gone away for a week this wouldn’t have happened. Like it’s my fault this all happened. [/quote]

16:37 here. What is best for your kids is to have at least one healthy well parent. This is falling on you. You need to do what you need to do to be well. This is what abuse does, it sucks you dry. It will only get worse. Everything you say is common for abused and controlled people. Can you see a therapist? You are not responsible for his actions. He is a grown up. It is not like this for everyone. Your children to not need to be patented by an addict. I don't think what you've shared here is all that is happening. It can be very subtle and a good therapist will help you see. Abuse happens gradually and becomes normalized. Take care op, you can find the light of day again.

You need the will that you will do anything and everything to protect your children from growing up in abuse.

I'm 5 years out - 4 separated, 1 divorced. Kids were alone with dad for sporadic times until he acted out enough. Then he didn't see them for 3 months, then 10 supervised access visits that went badly.

Then he tried a court application for unsupervised full weekend access, which they dropped.

You need/what helped me:
- Screenshots of text messages, summaries (point form), timelines, calendars if applicable
- lawyer who understands that children can't be raised in abuse or by addicts and that domestic violence is systemic and doesn't go away with a few months of good behavior
- a parenting assessor who understands coercive control. We had three parenting assessors, the 3rd was the only competent one - they can also give advice and support for court if you find one independently
- pictures, stories, journal entries- ultimately the stbx's behavior in the present will be the most compelling, but backed by extensive/lifelong history of threats or concerning behavior absolutely helps
- if you have a good therapist that really helps, someone experienced with trauma and abuse. This helps you, helps you frame things for written material (vocabulary), and also shows the courts the steps you are taking for stability and wellness
- playing the long game. I knew how hard it was to get custody but I also knew the older my kids got, the safer they would be should they be forced into access (ie a fourteen year old running away from dad in a rage is safer then a 4 year old, they could also fight back and better articulate. I still don't have full custody but have decision making and protective orders and am about to go back into court again to seal the deal
- a good lawyer who knows the judges. Sometimes we agreed to things in the interim that I didn't actually want because that judge favored 50/50 no matter what

You need determination. Lots of will. Courage even when you don't believe you can do it. The right people are out there waiting to help. You can find them.

Anonymous wrote:There i nothing in your story that allows you to have full custody. concentrate on sharing the children and don't upset your soon to be ex. This playing parents against each other is how somebody gets hurt or killed.
Don't tell me it's hard to share. I did it with a drug user and seller. Nobody was interested in looking into my claims. The child is 14 and neither of us care whose house he is in and where. He prefers his aunt and uncle's house.

You don't care where your 14 year old is? Did you both just wash your hands of them?

There i nothing in your story that allows you to have full custody. concentrate on sharing the children and don't upset your soon to be ex. This playing parents against each other is how somebody gets hurt or killed.
Don't tell me it's hard to share. I did it with a drug user and seller. Nobody was interested in looking into my claims. The child is 14 and neither of us care whose house he is in and where. He prefers his aunt and uncle's house.

For those whose children are old enough do the courts not taken into account the requests of the children. Say for example, 13 year old states that he has been physically abused by father or mother and fears for his safety with his/her?

I just cant imaging the bar is this high but I do know my mom got screwed in custody and child support hearings in NC. Even though there was cheating on both sides (my mom once and my Dad multiple occasions) and my Dad was non-existent in our lives for over a year and withheld support from my mom (even though she had all 3 kids) to try to get her to stop divorcing him the judge said she could give up custody of all of us or have custody and get no child support.

I have a half-sister and when her mom divorced my Dad he was required to pay child support and was only given weekend/summer visitation. So it is very judge dependent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew a child whose father broke into their home beat mom unconscious, kidnapped kid who was found by police in an apartment where Dad was squatting. Dad was unconscious on heroin and toddler was wandering around unsupervised.

He got unsupervised visitation when he got out of jail.

That is horrific but I am not surprised. Courts have gone completely batsh*t with the fathers rights these days.

Also true. When my DC were little, a lawyer told me that even a skull fracture due to an incident of neglect was not grounds for supervised. My XH didn’t get 50% because he was stupid in front of the judge and chose to focus on CS.

Seriously, I have posted this same comment before in previous threads, but it is EXTREMELY hard to get full custody if the other party wants 50/50. I have a friend whose husband was extremely abusive. He beat her up so bad twice that she was hospitalized and he was convicted and did some time (not nearly enough). She tried for full custody, but it was ruled that his physical abuse toward her had nothing to do with the children, so it 50/50 was granted. She is in a constant state of fear and anxiety for her kids when they are in his custody. I'm truly sorry you are in this situation. This is the main reason I haven't divorced my husband. I would fear for their safety while in his care. My youngest suffered a skull fracture, concussion, broken eye socket and diminished hearing due to something really stupid my husband did (not abuse, just being reckless and terrible judgment). The attorney I consulted said it would have no bearing in a divorce/custody situation.

Honestly, don’t fight for full custody. If you do, it will get bad.
Ask for primary physical custody due to school (or whatever). Typically dads are ok with that.
Like most non-custodial dads, it will be 2 weekends a month and usually 50/50 summer. Typically they cancel and it goes to a weekend every other month.

I'm not trying to discourage you but it's unlikely to get full custody, unless you have the $$ to hire a bulldog lawyer who manages to terrify your ex enough with BS that he just gives up custody. As someone who was bullied in the divorce, I hate even suggesting this, but people do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew a child whose father broke into their home beat mom unconscious, kidnapped kid who was found by police in an apartment where Dad was squatting. Dad was unconscious on heroin and toddler was wandering around unsupervised.

He got unsupervised visitation when he got out of jail.

That is horrific but I am not surprised. Courts have gone completely batsh*t with the fathers rights these days.

Also true. When my DC were little, a lawyer told me that even a skull fracture due to an incident of neglect was not grounds for supervised. My XH didn’t get 50% because he was stupid in front of the judge and chose to focus on CS.

Anonymous wrote:A judge would not think that drinking and whatever else you suspect happened while your kids were out of town have anything to do with his fitness as a father.

This.