Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you.

Or your gut can be correct. One option protects your child, one exposes your child. One protects your child with no bad effect on the cousin, one leaves your child open to events we all know occur. I will point out that we are talking about a 5 yo who essentially has no agency. No one is suggesting anyone shame the cousin, rather OP may change the circumstances in direct or indirect ways to stop the tickling, including merely saying "stop the tickling". OP is 100% in the right as a parent re: who may or may not touch her child. Attempting to call this "ingrained sexism" assumes most predators are not male, which in fact, statistically they are, but is moot as we are talking about OP's parenting instinct, which is why she should act and which should always be noted. Not always followed, but always noted.

I'm curious as to why it's so important to continue to allow this cousin to engage in unwanted touching of a little kid. What are we worried about here? That "no" is not OK? Ingrained sexism, indeed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

I agree. Anxiety does not equal premonition. If it happened all week, yes you can say something. But one day, in plain sight of everyone, kid enjoyed it, wasn’t ever touched in inappropriate areas…just because we are all reading each other’s fear based stories doesn’t mean every tickler is a molestor.

Anonymous wrote:No, DS didn't object at all, seemed to love the attention.

I felt like cousin's hands were all over the place on belly right above the crotch, not armpits or feet or anything else and it stressed me out.

I think it's fine to trust your instinct. If it starts up again, just say, hey no tickling, I'd like Larlo to settle down, it gets him too worked up (or something like that).

Anonymous wrote:I didnt allow anyone to tickle my kids.

Why? You think they will molest your kid? You are projecting.

You sound crazy OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

+1. Plenty of people have subconscious fears based on their own past issues (or plain old racism as in PP’s example). Tickling in and of itself is not an issue to freak out about, especially if the DS was having fun, and it’s out in plain view of a bunch of people. Teen wasn’t sneaking around, getting kid to go off somewhere. DS wasn’t feeling weird or uncomfortable. Teenagers will repeat what works. My one daughter loves to be tickled and her cousins do it because she laughs and they are good older cousins who take the time to play with her. My other DD hates it. When they (in the past) tickled her and she told them to stop, they did. No where does the OP say her son was uncomfortable or doing anything but laughing. She is projecting sexually inappropriate thoughts *herself* onto this teenagers actions. If I was his parent, I’d be offended.

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

I didnt allow anyone to tickle my kids.

Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

Anonymous wrote:Tickling doesn’t = molestation or grooming. It happened one day. The teen saw your kid cracking up. It was in plain sight of everyone. I think we all read way too much into these things.

No!

OP had a gut feeling this was not a good thing.

That is the mother's intuition and nothing wrong with her shutting this behavior down.

OP stick to your guns here. You are the parent and it is your job to protect your kid.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]Are you generally suspicious of your DH's family? Is there bad history there? I ask because you feel the need to specify the cousin is DH's side, and really, that is immaterial and seems...biased? Like maybe you dislike them or think they're weird?[/b]

I think a lot of teen boys are not great with kids, and will just do what seems to work over and over without much thought. If the kid likes it, that's the formula.

Boy are you projecting, pp!

Your formatting didn't work, so I'm not sure what you mean. It's projecting to point out that OP mentioned this kid was in her DH's family? A cousin is a cousin. Why would it matter?

It's important to listen to your gut, but as others have said, tickling doesn't equal molestation or grooming. You could be projecting. I had an older cousin tickle me a lot when I was a kid. Your description reminds me of it a lot. Nothing ever happened, and as I got older, the tickle attacks stopped.

Keep an eye on the kids when together, OP, but also don't worry. The teen is probably just reacting to the attention.

Anonymous[b wrote:]Are you generally suspicious of your DH's family? Is there bad history there? I ask because you feel the need to specify the cousin is DH's side, and really, that is immaterial and seems...biased? Like maybe you dislike them or think they're weird?[/b]

I think a lot of teen boys are not great with kids, and will just do what seems to work over and over without much thought. If the kid likes it, that's the formula.

Boy are you projecting, pp!