OP- I long to move out and be alone for a few months when DC move on the college. Would love some me time and space. Don’t need a divorce just a reset.

Only advice is to sit down and talk about what she is aiming for. Agree marriage counseling may be a good opportunity when she is ready.

You both sound like perfect candidates for marriage counseling.

However if your wife already has one foot out of the door both literally as well as metaphorically then it may be too late.

Sorry you are dealing with this. 💔

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I felt the same way. My husband worked a lot. He put work before everything and everyone. I figured if he wasn’t going to pay attention to me I may as well live alone. No affair.

+1

Yup

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Since you have to ask….

Too late to fight for her. You should have done that over the 20 years she ran the whole household and raised the kids herself.

The only way to fight now in this Too Little Too Late scenario is to profusely apologize and show gratitude via behaviors and actions.

OP here, perhaps I shouldn't take this response so personally but what does this mean? I worked my tail off for the family and provide a very comfortable if not wealthy existence. And I was home when I could be. She wanted to leave the workforce. I am happy to help her transition but I don't see this as my fault - or hers.

Do you talk with her? Laugh together? Or are you a self-centered I go my way all day DH?

Don't help her move out but don't be a dick either.

I went through this in my 30s when my kids were younger. I knew it was inevitable and didn't want to wait. I am glad I didn't.

Anonymous wrote:Well I felt the same way. My husband worked a lot. He put work before everything and everyone. I figured if he wasn’t going to pay attention to me I may as well live alone. No affair.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

Umm, no. Leaving fixes a lot of problems when you live with self-centered people. My husband is now my ex and still expects me to do stuff for him. But now I can simply say NO and hang up the phone or close the door and that is the end of it. My house is clean, and I only have myself to clean and cook for. I can do what I please.

It’s not a midlife crisis when a woman says she is tired of putting everyone become herself. It is a back-to-life crisis because the woman wants to get back to her life.

+1 She wants her life back. People who assume this is an affair are nuts. She wants to live her own life. She has given you and your family HER life and wants to have her own before she gets any older. I don't think she will be back. I think it is over. But who knows.

Let her go and see if she really finds the grass greener. She won’t but she will soon want a divorce because until she does she won’t be able to afford to live the way she’d like to.

Women don’t really need men. Men have a hard time understanding and always think there’s an affair. Men can be like another child to take care of. She’s done mothering and you, unfortunately, seem like the teenage son who won’t leave the house. Give her some space. Maybe she will be back.

After the kids left for college, did she still do all the house cleaning, dealing with household repairs? Did you expect dinner on the table every night and a real dinner, not just cheese and crackers or a salad? Did she still do your laundry, change your sheets? Notice when you need new clothes and order them online? PLan all the holidays? Do all the grocery shopping? Tkae the dog to the vet?

When I fantasize about living alone, I fantasize about not having to make dinner every night, not having to share the TV with someone else, not having to be responsible for someone else's wardrobe and social obligations and not having a pet.

If it's the drudgery that she's reacting to, maybe you could sign up for a meal service that sends you the ingredients and start making dinner yourself. Maybe you could buy your own clothes, take the dog to the vet, etc.

Alternately, you could remain married but she could 'spend a lot of time at the beach house' like one of our friends does.

It’s a cry for help. She’s not getting her needs met. She has tried everything she can think of and this is the last attempt o fix things, to squeeze out of you love and emotion for her.

I did this and my ex decided to do the 180, which basically cemented for me that he didn’t actually care about me, he only cared about being in a relationship with a good woman.
I had suspected as much and in retrospect I’m very glad I forced the issue (after 8 years). I’m also glad it happened to me when I was still somewhat young and we didn’t have kids.

Now married with DH and two kids; it’s a totally different story. I know I am loved. I am also a better partner having been through the cold hell of a loveless (on one side) marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you confused about exactly? Sounds like she explained it pretty well.

And I don't know why you think "the obvious answer is affair". The obvious answer to me is that you're selfish and she's sick of it.

+2

NP. What a ridiculous assumption. Actually, OP seems sensitive about this issue. Just because a women is sick of people and wants to be alone, doesn’t mean her DH is a dickhead. I have felt the same as your wife, OP, and my husband is a great guy. We women just need space sometimes. It could be a phase, all marriages and adult lives have them, ups and downs. I suggest counseling. She sounds like she’s in a bad space.

I agree.

But OP you probably don’t understand how much your wife has lost by having a family and staying home with kids, and you probably never will. Just believe what she is telling you and give her space. In the meantime read a marriage book.

She doesn’t want you right now. But she might later. I wouldn’t give up yet.

Do you actually want to spend time with her and make an effort to do so, or do you do what my DH does at night— which is vanish upstairs after dinner to read and watch sport’s while I interact with the kids, attend to a ton of household management needs. The resentment builds up and honestly, it wouldn’t take much to dissipate it— all he would need to do is actually be the initiator once in a while for us spending time together. So how much time over the last 20 years have you been the one to say, “let’s go on a date night, or away for a weekend, or just even take a walk”?

Well I felt the same way. My husband worked a lot. He put work before everything and everyone. I figured if he wasn’t going to pay attention to me I may as well live alone. No affair.

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

Umm, no. Leaving fixes a lot of problems when you live with self-centered people. My husband is now my ex and still expects me to do stuff for him. But now I can simply say NO and hang up the phone or close the door and that is the end of it. My house is clean, and I only have myself to clean and cook for. I can do what I please.

It’s not a midlife crisis when a woman says she is tired of putting everyone become herself. It is a back-to-life crisis because the woman wants to get back to her life.