It works out. My son is now a rising senior - one sport, clubs, scouts and household chores. The key is to teach your child to plan for the week (or 2 weeks) not just the next day. He learned quickly after the first few weeks of Freshman year his "middle school approach" generally looking at what's due the next day was not sustainable and will not work if he is active We learned at back to school night that many of his teachers posted homework if not for the week, but the upcoming weeks -- one teacher even posted readings, etc for the entire semester (dear son did not share how homework was posted as he "had it under control"). Math teacher posted for a week or two but said but don't work ahead (or too far ahead) as pace of material may change depending on the class, but you can plan. History teacher posted the general schedule of readings entire semester -- read ahead all you want -- some assignments/papers and timing may change around the edges.

Our family went "old school with paper and a clipboard -- Sunday night Father/Son meeting, making a plan for the week -- homework, games, practices, club events, meetings. I know...I know...I know...we all have electronic family calendar, but there are a lot intangibles gained from looking at one screen together and writing it down. Son learned to pause and think about what is coming up. He learned to read and work ahead on a weekend afternoon or a "light" homework night. At first we were very hands on with Sunday night planning, then he was more self directed and he would "brief us" -- by the middle of his sophomore year he did it on his own....and carried the practice through his junior year. I only asked that he leave his planning page and clip board out for me to glance at. It was good to know when he had a heavy test or project week so I would not nag over small chores and let him be....or I would help him get his laundry started.

He also used it as a tool to advocate for himself with teachers. He realized he had 2 tests and paper due all on the same day day. We didn't know until after, but he asked the teacher several days in advance for a one day extension on the paper. He got two extra days. Son said he was nervous asking as the teacher has a reputation as always saying "no" (w/o extenuating circumstances) but teacher said to son that is was his being thoughtful/planful in his request, scheduling time to meet, not asking the day before, and he showed that he was working on the paper. Son admitted to teacher that he could get it done, but wanted to get it done right. Important lesson...and a tactic he uses rarely, but knows he can. A good teacher at a good school will take the time -- student need to show and take ownership

I will admit I do miss seeing Dad and son at the kitchen island at first in very serous conversations on how to get it all done...guickly turning to joking and snacking over the laptop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pulled our kids out of Big 3 because we wanted to ensure there would be time for serious out-of-school extra curricular stuff. Great decision. Some kids might have managed but we did not think our kids could. The school generally thought the same thing for our kids and most others.

While the grind works for some, it is a childhood-robbing misery for many others. This is a very sad thread in many ways.

Just one opinion.

You've got just one a**hole, too, and neither is wanted here.

Yes, quite sad on many levels, thanks for confirming that.

Anonymous wrote:Sleep, family time, time with friends, chores, ECs, etc?

- Short drive to school (private), so time not wasted there
- No job, focus is on sports and studies
- Not many chores other than picking up after themselves (I was the same, we had a daily maid who did our laundry growing up and I am now perfectly capable of keeping a great house, it's not hard to learn)
- Close friends who play sports plus do other activities
- Planning of schedule so as to maximize free time at school, etc.
- Family dinners, breakfasts, and my husband and I being flexible with our work to be able to drive them to and from sports or spend time when they're free

I think the amount of work and what it means is quite variable from child to child. My private HSer is on the autism spectrum and takes longer to do work than most. Grades are excellent because of consistent weekend work (doing homework at 10 on a Friday is not unusual) and staying up until 11 or so through the week, especially during sport season.

Others might be able to do the same assignments faster or study less for tests. The length of commute and other activities also plays a role. This child has some other ECs but their time commitment is mostly during the school day (other than one sport).

Also, schools are increasingly cognizant of how much work kids have outside of school and how to manage that. Each subject has a nightly time limit to follow (e.g., math is limited to 30 minutes per night). Students are discouraged from taking multiple advanced classes that are known to have heaving reading assignments (although some students are permitted to take both).

Somehow, the school has convinced all the type-A parents of these kids that being in every advanced class isn't important with an eye toward lowering stress.

I think it mostly works for my child because, aside from writing English essays, the work is pretty enjoyable.

Anonymous wrote:We pulled our kids out of Big 3 because we wanted to ensure there would be time for serious out-of-school extra curricular stuff. Great decision. Some kids might have managed but we did not think our kids could. The school generally thought the same thing for our kids and most others.

While the grind works for some, it is a childhood-robbing misery for many others. This is a very sad thread in many ways.

Just one opinion.

We pulled our kids out of Big 3 because we wanted to ensure there would be time for serious out-of-school extra curricular stuff. Great decision. Some kids might have managed but we did not think our kids could. The school generally thought the same thing for our kids and most others.

Anonymous wrote:My kid stopped most ECs when he got to HS. He has one EC and that's it. He has ADHD and homework takes a long time. I guess the other kids just stay up really late to get it done.

Some kids do stay up late. I have one kid(DD) who works till late and another(DS) who is done in 2 hours.

My kid who is done in 2 hours is very organized and disciplined. He has been lucky to find some study buddies who are like him and they will sit down and work like whirlwinds to get their homework, projects and test prep done. These are serious students and they also teach each other. It is a beautiful thing to watch. His study buddies are all very focussed and they are also doing tons of other ECs too. I am actually astounded by the speed with which they work. They are like a pack of velociraptors.

My DD on the other hand likes to work alone, had lots of lists, and works slower and with more deliberation as compared to DS. She will collaborate occasionally for group projects. Both do a large part of their homework at school during breaks or on the bus ride home. That is a given.

Anonymous wrote:OP, make sure your kid isn't surfing the web or playing games on computer. A lot of it is time management and staying focused.

This.
My kid is in a STEM magnet with a very heavy course load. Straight A, high stats kid. He is usually done in a couple of hours. His friends are up late at night because they waste their time doing games or surfing the web.

For me, it was not having any friends and sleeping 6-7 hours/night which lead me into a depression so deep it was scary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a straight A student at a Big3. She will get home from school and sports at 8pm and work until 11pm or midnight--no phone time, no messing around on the internet. Or she'll set her alarm for 4amor 5am and work 2 hours until 7am when she gets ready for school.

It's honestly weird for a kid to do this. My other kids are nothing like this and I'm not either. But this is the type of kid who thrives at these schools and there are many of them that just do it without a thought. There is a decent percentage of REALLY driven kids.

My kid is not quite a straight A student but pretty close.

Usually goes to sleep by 10 each night when not in sports season, does not wake up early, does not spend ALL weekend doing homework. It isn't like this for ALL of the students.

Isn’t that exactly what pp said? Her other kids aren’t like that, either.

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a straight A student at a Big3. She will get home from school and sports at 8pm and work until 11pm or midnight--no phone time, no messing around on the internet. Or she'll set her alarm for 4amor 5am and work 2 hours until 7am when she gets ready for school.

It's honestly weird for a kid to do this. My other kids are nothing like this and I'm not either. But this is the type of kid who thrives at these schools and there are many of them that just do it without a thought. There is a decent percentage of REALLY driven kids.

My kid is not quite a straight A student but pretty close.

Usually goes to sleep by 10 each night when not in sports season, does not wake up early, does not spend ALL weekend doing homework. It isn't like this for ALL of the students.

My kid stopped most ECs when he got to HS. He has one EC and that's it. He has ADHD and homework takes a long time. I guess the other kids just stay up really late to get it done.

I was this kid and I learned shortcuts. Sometimes this involves cheating, like copying other peoples work or looking up answers. Sometimes it’s just getting to know exactly what the teacher wants and doing the work exactly that way rather than developing your own voice (more common with writing assignments). A few kids really did just hole up in their rooms every night and did homework all evening. No, this did not make them smarter.

I would not send my kids to a school with this much homework.

This was me in high school, back in the 2000s. I definitely averaged 4+ hours of homework and studying per night. The key thing is AVERAGE - so that's 20 hrs of work a week. For me, I did a year round sport that was 3 hrs, 3 days a week (M-W-F), and then generally had another light EC for like an hour once a week. So Monday and Wednesday, I did probably only about two hours of HW each. Tuesday-Thursday, more like 3-4, depending. But then Sundays - I would go to church, come home, eat lunch, and spend the rest of the day doing homework and studying at my desk. I was generally at my desk from 1pm-11pm on Sundays, eating dinner at my desk, taking a break maybe to clean my room or take a shower. Fridays and Saturdays I did no school work. So Friday I had some downtime, Saturday was time with friends and family.

Looking back, the part that suffered the most was sleep. At least back in my day, I had to be at school at 7am, which meant being up at 6, and at BEST I was in bed at 11pm. Even as an adult, I need about 9 hours of sleep a night. I don't know how teenaged me (who at least theoretically needed even more sleep) was surviving on 6-7 hours a night. I remember walking through the halls in high school and being so tired I'd be doing the "reverse blink" - walking with my eyes closed and just opening them occasionally to make sure I didn't run into anything.

Family time also suffered for sure. I was the youngest, so when I was in high school, my brother was away at college, my parents had demanding jobs - there wasn't a lot of "quality family time" though lots of love and support. As far as chores - they were very minimal. My parents really wanted me to focus on school, and their attitude was, as long as I was working as hard as I was and doing as well as I was, that was my job. I did my own laundry, kept my room clean and cleaned the cat litter box - I think that was pretty much it.

It "worked" - I got into a top college (not Ivy League, but top 25). But I'll tell you, now as a parent, it's not what I would want for my kids. Though I was very internally driven, and if I have a kid who wants what I wanted, I'd support them.

Sometimes, study drugs.