Anonymous
06/23/2021 08:53
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
My DH is great but one issue is that my to do list is TODAY's list and his to do list is this months. So I need to be very clear when something is a thing that he needs to do and when, as compared to something that I am going to do. He got in a bad habit of making everything a "we" and then I would do it because he hadn't gotten around to it yet. It's not intentional but the unintentional affect meant way more work for me and things just magically appearing or being done for him.
Anonymous
06/23/2021 08:48
Subject: Re:I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It seems all of you are young moms in your 30s? I am a SAHM and I do a lot for my family but not only my family appreciates it a lot, I have absolutely no guilt about hiring a lot of help.
Why are you all trying to save money if your DH is not helping or being appreciative?
I am a PP and I am 38 with young kids. I'm not opposed to more help, but I feel like I don't have the bandwidth to screen, hire, or oversee more help and my husband (who advocates for it) won't do those things either. He's not, like, above doing it. He'll just say he wants to do it and then never actually follow through because it's at best a 4th priority after spending time on work, fun, and kids.
This. My DH hates cleaning, and us always talking about hiring someone to come in so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about not doing it. But that’s all he does— talk. I actually like cleaning and find it satisfying, but need him to take on parenting duties so I can do it, which he resents. I’ve told him he’s welcome to hire a cleaner or a babysitter to solve this issue for himself, but until he does, he’s on childcare duty several hours a week while I clean.
He’ll never do it. Maybe one day instead of complaining, he’ll realize that he’s getting a great deal— quality solo time with his kids, a clean house, a happy spouse who enjoys spending a couple hours scrubbing and vacuuming while listening to music, all without the trouble or expense of hiring a stranger to clean our house or watch our kids. Maybe.
Anonymous
06/23/2021 08:19
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
I hear you, op. I am a sahm and do all the same things yet DH seems to be under the impression I sit on the couch all day. It's frustrating for sure.
Anonymous
06/23/2021 08:11
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Me too, OP, me too.
Just the work with planning camps this summer is hours and hours of work.
My dh doesn't give me crap but really doesn't understand why I am tired or exhausted at the end of the day after working, holding the emotional bag for my kid and coordinating schedules.
Just the work with planning camps this summer is hours and hours of work.
My dh doesn't give me crap but really doesn't understand why I am tired or exhausted at the end of the day after working, holding the emotional bag for my kid and coordinating schedules.
Anonymous
06/22/2021 22:21
Subject: Re:I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Anonymous wrote:It seems all of you are young moms in your 30s? I am a SAHM and I do a lot for my family but not only my family appreciates it a lot, I have absolutely no guilt about hiring a lot of help.
Why are you all trying to save money if your DH is not helping or being appreciative?
I am a PP and I am 38 with young kids. I'm not opposed to more help, but I feel like I don't have the bandwidth to screen, hire, or oversee more help and my husband (who advocates for it) won't do those things either. He's not, like, above doing it. He'll just say he wants to do it and then never actually follow through because it's at best a 4th priority after spending time on work, fun, and kids.
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:58
Subject: Re:I feel very unappreciated as a mother
OP, your feelings on this are completely understandable.
Especially the part where your husband gets on your case when something is not to his liking. 🤨
It appears that he takes all the time + effort that you put into things for granted.
The only way to show him how much you do is to temporarily stop doing it.
Have you tried talking to him directly about this issue?
Does he know how you truly feel about things??
Especially the part where your husband gets on your case when something is not to his liking. 🤨
It appears that he takes all the time + effort that you put into things for granted.
The only way to show him how much you do is to temporarily stop doing it.
Have you tried talking to him directly about this issue?
Does he know how you truly feel about things??
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:22
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
If you’re looking for appreciation you got into the wrong business; wife and mother should be listed in the Oxford under thankless.
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:12
Subject: Re:I feel very unappreciated as a mother
It seems all of you are young moms in your 30s? I am a SAHM and I do a lot for my family but not only my family appreciates it a lot, I have absolutely no guilt about hiring a lot of help.
Why are you all trying to save money if your DH is not helping or being appreciative?
Why are you all trying to save money if your DH is not helping or being appreciative?
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:09
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Anonymous wrote:I would take care of what the kids and I need and do absolutely nothing for my husband if he behaved like that (mine fails to understand it acknowledge what I do, but he doesn't criticize me for dropping balls either). So I would buy the groceries that the kids and I like, do laundry for the kids and me, plan the activities that the kids and I want to do, facilitate my family's relationship with the kids but not his family's, etc. If he's not going to contribute to the household, the very least he can do is handle his own business.
P.S. while I resent needing to cruise direct everything, I do for some things. For example, we take turns getting up with the kids in the morning. At first, my husband was not making their lunch for school on his days, instead leaving that for me when I got up and we were rushing out the door. I told him everything from waking up through walking to the car is his responsibility on his days. This should have been obvious, but since he kept trying to slither out of it, I made it explicitly clear.
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:09
Subject: Re:I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Tell him. I told mine. I told him that for all this stuff, he has two choices: he can do it himself or he can thank me for doing it. None of it is my responsibility alone. It is all a shared responsibility and if I do it, it's a favor to our family.
And he does. He still doesn't do even close to as much as I do. But he always says thank you. Well, not every single time, but most of the time.
Tell him. And then remind him. It seems annoying (and probably is, which is good -- if he wants it to stop, he'll start acting grateful).
And by the way, I thank him, too, for the things that he does. It's easy! "Thanks hon." See, easy.
(Plus it's easier for me than for him because he does less, so I don't have to say thank you as often
)
And he does. He still doesn't do even close to as much as I do. But he always says thank you. Well, not every single time, but most of the time.
Tell him. And then remind him. It seems annoying (and probably is, which is good -- if he wants it to stop, he'll start acting grateful).
And by the way, I thank him, too, for the things that he does. It's easy! "Thanks hon." See, easy.
(Plus it's easier for me than for him because he does less, so I don't have to say thank you as often
)
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:06
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
I would take care of what the kids and I need and do absolutely nothing for my husband if he behaved like that (mine fails to understand it acknowledge what I do, but he doesn't criticize me for dropping balls either). So I would buy the groceries that the kids and I like, do laundry for the kids and me, plan the activities that the kids and I want to do, facilitate my family's relationship with the kids but not his family's, etc. If he's not going to contribute to the household, the very least he can do is handle his own business.
Anonymous
06/22/2021 21:04
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Anonymous wrote:My husband has no idea how much I handle, take care of, anticipate for our family. Doctors appts, diapers, food in fridge, gifts for bday parties, age appropriate toys, swimming lessons...it all just magically happens and appears...not. It’s because I research, plan, execute, and manage.
Hardly any of these things go noticed. I’d like some acknowledgment and thanks for what I do.
Yet the second I forget something or do something wrong...he is the first to jump on me for it.
I know I’m a great mom and I have a wonderful relationship with my children. I adore them! But it’s so tiresome for all my work to go unnoticed- as if it’s expected that those things are what I, alone, should be doing. Fwiw, I’m not a sahm. I’m actually the breadwinner, but that’s for another post. It feels so hypocritical and frankly pisses me the F off that I get no thanks or attention for all that I do....but god forbid I get something wrong...
Holy Moly!! Seriously? Wow!! So...this is not a SAHM vs WOHM thing? You are being shat upon even when you are making the big bucks? Could it be that you actually have a mediocre marriage?
Anonymous
06/22/2021 20:59
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
My kids are older teens and I wish I hadn't let this happen. But I was not satisfied with how DH did things (basically, he didn't do them), so I just took over. If it was his night to make dinner and he made spaghetti with literally nothing else, not even sauce, then I got annoyed. If he was supposed to make the kids' dentist appts and they went 2 years without an appointment (true story), then yeah, I took over that responsibility.
I haven't helped buy gifts for his nieces in years, but now that their father has died unexpectedly I feel like I should make an effort, versus them hearing nothing from their uncle (DH) from now on.
And yeah, all the little stuff over the years went unappreciated. I shouldn't have made it so easy on him, because all it did was make me irritated
I haven't helped buy gifts for his nieces in years, but now that their father has died unexpectedly I feel like I should make an effort, versus them hearing nothing from their uncle (DH) from now on.
And yeah, all the little stuff over the years went unappreciated. I shouldn't have made it so easy on him, because all it did was make me irritated
Anonymous
06/22/2021 20:56
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:(ps ~ don't "prepare" the household for this in order to take your trip)
Yes, this is good advice and I will take it.
I am realizing how much I do, unconciously, to make my DH's life easier and his time with the kids easier.
For example- if I have something to do one evening and dinner and bedtime is DH's responsibility- I will often make dinner and have everything ready for him.
He has never done the same for me.
I shouldnt have to work for my free time or earn my keep. I don't do it with the intention of being a martyr or freeing DH from responsibility. But I know that kids would eat PBJ and DH will just dial it in.
I know kids will not suffer from not eating a veggie or fruit. But why do I have to just accept that DH will dial it in?
I guess I have to start somewhere. From now on, when it is DH's turn to be with the kids in the evening- no more prepping.
I noticed this about myself as well. My DH works from home so on days I go to the office he gets the baby ready for daycare. But I lay out her clothes, take out her food, and pack her backpack the night before...
Anonymous
06/22/2021 20:50
Subject: I feel very unappreciated as a mother
Anonymous wrote:I can't say I feel unappreciated, but DH just didn't SEE all that I do. So I dropped a lot of balls, specifically his balls. I stopped sending his parents and siblings presents. I put calendar notices on his iphone of when their birthdays were and I often say "Did you send your mom a mother's day card/gift?" but he doesn't and they just don't get anything anymore. I even have a stack of birthday cards and amazon gift cards that he could stuff inside, but he doesn't.
I'm just letting the guilt go. If I don't want to do something- I just don't do it. I also made DH in charge of tasks. That way there's no wondering who will do the task- we know exactly who should do it and he can't not do it.
I've never managed DH's family responsibilities or things like this. His parents and siblings are his to manage.
It's much harder to let the guilt go or say I dont want to do something when it involves my kids.