Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

You sound as obstinate as your dad in not wrapping your head around the fact that it isn't their responsibility. Hard stop. He was difficult, made it hard to provide care. You might think about that as you age and what people will or won't be willing to do for you.

+1 OP, this is your guilt talking. Get some therapy to get over your guilt, and stop blaming others for not doing what you think they should have done.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

It would not have gotten easier to care for them if they had died older. You would have been even more invested in your "adopted country" and your kid's lives would only have gotten more complicated.

It is hard, when you are in one phase of your life, to anticipate what comes next. Many upper income American kids stretch their wings in their 20's and do what seems fun or exciting to them. That is pretty normal here, culturally.

It would have been nice for your parents' relatives to help them, but it probably boils down to how close they had been before they got sick. Did the relatives feel any affection/ duty to them and/or, how much bandwidth did they have in their own lives? It was not about you or what they owed you. If they had helped them, it would likely have stemmed from them feeling bad for your parents because their child had made choices that set them up to be alone.

I wish kids could think ahead when they move far away. They are not only handicapping their ability to support aging parents, but they are greatly limiting how close their parents will be to their children. A sad outcome of modern American priorities.

(It may not be all about income and opportunity. Sometimes it is really about love and relationships.) I think that your post may reflect the fact that you are realizing that now, too late.

But I don't think you sound like a bad person or child. I think you could now know at 27 what you know now. And this is how everything played out. Probably best that you move on.

It's nobody's fault, OP. Everyone chose to live their own lives, you, your parents, and your relatives. Everyone did their best under circumstances.

It's life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

You sound as obstinate as your dad in not wrapping your head around the fact that it isn't their responsibility. Hard stop. He was difficult, made it hard to provide care. You might think about that as you age and what people will or won't be willing to do for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

You are entitled to live wherever and however you want. However, you are not entitled to place your personal expectations of care on extended family members. This is also not an only child issue. I am an only and DH has several siblings. Some live close to their parents and some do not. While the responsibility may seem heavier on an only, there is often stress and resentment among large families since it is not possible to spread things equally. Unfortunately your dad also made choices that made things difficult for himself when he fired the aides. Everyone’s family dynamic is different but we all have to accept that choices also have consequences. Good ones and bad ones.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Unfortunately, that isn't the extended family's problem, unless they choose to make it their problem. I think you are trying to blame other people in order to assuage your own feelings of guilt. It is what it is. You need to accept and move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

OP here. Moving back home to live with Dad was not an option. What about my job? My husband? DH had his own career and he didn't want leave his country. Also, his own parents (much older than mine) were ageing and his Dad wasn't in good health.

DH and I visited my Dad as often as we could, sometimes every other weekend. I once stayed with Dad for 7 weeks on unpaid leave when he was sick.

Moving Dad to live with us was no option either. Dad was very independent and could be quite stubborn. He didn't want to leave his house.

Yes, you COULD HAVE disrupted your and your DH’s and your children’s lives to do this. You understandably chose not to. You made your choices, which were reasonable. Your extended family made their own choices, which were reasonable. But for some reason you’re mad at them. I think it’s because you’re actually mad at yourself.

Disrupting my and DH's lives was not an option when we had a mortgage to pay. DH didn't want to leave his country. He will never leave his country.

Yes, I was mad at my relatives. They could have gone to check on my Dad. They could have phoned him to see how he was doing. Some relatives said they were 'busy. Coming back from abroad every weekend to look after Dad wasn't sustainable for me.

I guess I am also mad at myself. But when you're 27 and single, you don't think about the distant future. I took my chances and moved abroad. Bright lights big city and all that.

This is me, except my parents are 71, and still tottering about.
I am actually considering returning home to take care of them for their end of life, providing my teens launch successfully… Ideally, my parents would last a few more years by themselves, my teens would gain entrance to good unis in the country next door, so they wouldn’t be too far away from my watchful eye, and everything would dovetail.

My worst nightmare is my parents popping off without warning. I can’t cross the Atlantic in anything less than a dozen hours, from the time I get my tickets to the time I land.

I’m sorry for your losses, OP. It’s a trauma we lived through when my BIL and FIL passed away and we could not say goodbye. My husband and I will feel eternally guilty about that.

But at the end of the day, you have the right and duty to create the life you want! You are NOT selfish. You did your best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ask them to help?

No, I didn't literally ask for help, but I made it clear to them how hard it was for my Dad and for me.

Some relatives were understanding but didn't offer practical help, others set boundaries from the start and said they could do x but not y or z.

In the end, the person who offered most help was a neighbor.

I would also like to say that some relatives found my Dad quite 'difficult' or 'needy', but I think that was because of his change in behaviour after he'd had a series of mini strokes (TIAs).

Well you should have specifically asked for help. Sometimes people don’t understand how they can be if help. So having someone ask if they can visits once a week or take food over once a week is helpful.

Anonymous wrote:You could have organized help for your parents. Just expecting others to do so is selfish. Stop blaming your relatives.

We did. Dad and I organized help when Mom got sick. Then I organized help when Dad got sick. Aides every 2 days, a nurse twice a day, a cleaner once a week. The problem was that Dad would sometimes cancel the aides behind my back when he got tired of strangers coming into his house.
I then had to set it all up again. In the end he cancelled the aides for good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

OP here. Moving back home to live with Dad was not an option. What about my job? My husband? DH had his own career and he didn't want leave his country. Also, his own parents (much older than mine) were ageing and his Dad wasn't in good health.

DH and I visited my Dad as often as we could, sometimes every other weekend. I once stayed with Dad for 7 weeks on unpaid leave when he was sick.

Moving Dad to live with us was no option either. Dad was very independent and could be quite stubborn. He didn't want to leave his house.

Yes, you COULD HAVE disrupted your and your DH’s and your children’s lives to do this. You understandably chose not to. You made your choices, which were reasonable. Your extended family made their own choices, which were reasonable. But for some reason you’re mad at them. I think it’s because you’re actually mad at yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

OP here. Moving back home to live with Dad was not an option. What about my job? My husband? DH had his own career and he didn't want leave his country. Also, his own parents (much older than mine) were ageing and his Dad wasn't in good health.

DH and I visited my Dad as often as we could, sometimes every other weekend. I once stayed with Dad for 7 weeks on unpaid leave when he was sick.

Moving Dad to live with us was no option either. Dad was very independent and could be quite stubborn. He didn't want to leave his house.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Anonymous wrote:This was a big factor in our choice to have more than one child. We are both onlies and will have decades of responsibility for our parents to handle solo. Did not want that for my kids

+1 exactly what I told my DH. We both have siblings, and I asked him how he would feel when his parents start to really age, and the sole responsibility would rest on his shoulders. Plus, he said it's nice to know that when his parents pass, he still has family, albeit they live on a different continent. Same for me. We are spread out, but it's nice to know that they are there and that my kids have aunts/uncles if something should happen to us.