Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 23:40     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 23:36     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.



Not the OP, but as someone who’s been in this situation, it’s not always possible. Sometimes the one that cheated has decided to start a new life with the person they cheated with. You can’t really try when the other person has clearly moved on.



Exactly. You can't keep someone married to you when they don't want to be. And it's not your fault.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 23:35     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:DC is absolutely correct, of course, but my heart breaks every time I hear it. I didn’t want to get divorced—DC’s dad cheated on me. Lied in counseling.

We presented a united front to DC—decision made between two adults yada yada. Do I ever get to throw my arms up and say, “it’s not my fault either!” or do I just take my side of the story to the grave? I do want to do the right thing for DC even though this post sounds like it’s all about me. I know it wasn’t DC’s choice to grow up shuffling between two houses. It’s so hard sometimes because I didn’t want that either.

DC is 12.


Sounds like DC is saying "it's not my fault you got divorced" maybe when you say you cannot do X because you're not living with dad? Maybe try to rephrase or reframe things like "sorry we can't do X today because I have to work," or don't have sitter, have appointment, anything but bringing up dad.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 23:29     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.



Not the OP, but as someone who’s been in this situation, it’s not always possible. Sometimes the one that cheated has decided to start a new life with the person they cheated with. You can’t really try when the other person has clearly moved on.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 22:55     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Wait until he’s an adult and can grasp it all.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 22:27     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to take it to your grave but you’ve got another 10+ years.


+100


Agree.


Yup. I think that you hold out until your DC graduates college and becomes independent. Once they are independent, you can open up about the collapse of your nuclear family due to your ex's cheating. At that point, I think it would be a good lesson in what not to learn/repeat from their father.


Thank you for this. My parents spilled everything to me at 17, which doesn't sound very young, but my mother, in particular, gave far too much detail. She was basically sobbing every time I tried to talk to her, too.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 22:14     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to take it to your grave but you’ve got another 10+ years.


+100


Agree.


But have some answers ready, because the kid will figure it out in the next few years and say something to one or both of you.
Signed,
Adult child of divorce


OP here—what kind of truth is age appropriate in the near future? I am gathering from the 10 years recommendation that laying bare the entire truth would be detrimental and completely inappropriate. When DC figures things out and starts asking questions, what will be the appropriate response? Something vague about the complexity of adult relationships?


Only you can answer that. How do you usually answer their questions? When they ask about the birds and bees, about why you don’t like your neighbors, about the Holocaust? Are you the direct and open type of mom, or the hedgy passive aggressive type of communicator? They will expect your usual style of communication and anything else will seem inauthentic.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 21:27     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DC is absolutely correct, of course, but my heart breaks every time I hear it. I didn’t want to get divorced—DC’s dad cheated on me. Lied in counseling.

We presented a united front to DC—decision made between two adults yada yada. Do I ever get to throw my arms up and say, “it’s not my fault either!” or do I just take my side of the story to the grave? I do want to do the right thing for DC even though this post sounds like it’s all about me. I know it wasn’t DC’s choice to grow up shuffling between two houses. It’s so hard sometimes because I didn’t want that either.

DC is 12.


OP, You haven’t provided any context as to when your child is saying this saying this. Is he saying this because he is frustrated with you because of something that you are doing? I grew up in a divorced home and the only Time I ever used this phrase was when my mother was hassling me about the amount of time I was spending with my father. Why is your son saying this?


DC was venting to me. DC’s dad was hassling DC about not keeping track of which house DC’s belongings ended up in—eg sports equipment. We have tried to duplicate as much as possible but inevitably things end up in the wrong house.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 21:11     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
A close family friend found out his father cheated on his mother which led to a divorce. He’s never forgiven his father and his mother seems to enjoy it. It’s been 20 years and he has a really strained relationship. His father is also a really kind and loving father. I wouldn’t say anything even though I’d be tempted in your shoes. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 21:09     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:DC is absolutely correct, of course, but my heart breaks every time I hear it. I didn’t want to get divorced—DC’s dad cheated on me. Lied in counseling.

We presented a united front to DC—decision made between two adults yada yada. Do I ever get to throw my arms up and say, “it’s not my fault either!” or do I just take my side of the story to the grave? I do want to do the right thing for DC even though this post sounds like it’s all about me. I know it wasn’t DC’s choice to grow up shuffling between two houses. It’s so hard sometimes because I didn’t want that either.

DC is 12.


OP, You haven’t provided any context as to when your child is saying this saying this. Is he saying this because he is frustrated with you because of something that you are doing? I grew up in a divorced home and the only Time I ever used this phrase was when my mother was hassling me about the amount of time I was spending with my father. Why is your son saying this?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 21:06     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to take it to your grave but you’ve got another 10+ years.


+100


Agree.


Yup. I think that you hold out until your DC graduates college and becomes independent. Once they are independent, you can open up about the collapse of your nuclear family due to your ex's cheating. At that point, I think it would be a good lesson in what not to learn/repeat from their father.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 20:35     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:Op, are you more concerned about what your DC is saying or being rejected and not being able to reconcile with him? I am reading two angles from your story.


OP here—no desire to reconcile—I was just responding to the suggestions that I did not do enough to keep the nuclear family together. It was not a choice that I was given.

I am more concerned about doing right by my DC.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 20:32     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to take it to your grave but you’ve got another 10+ years.


+100


Agree.


But have some answers ready, because the kid will figure it out in the next few years and say something to one or both of you.
Signed,
Adult child of divorce


OP here—what kind of truth is age appropriate in the near future? I am gathering from the 10 years recommendation that laying bare the entire truth would be detrimental and completely inappropriate. When DC figures things out and starts asking questions, what will be the appropriate response? Something vague about the complexity of adult relationships?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 20:20     Subject: Re:“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to take it to your grave but you’ve got another 10+ years.


+100


Agree.


But have some answers ready, because the kid will figure it out in the next few years and say something to one or both of you.
Signed,
Adult child of divorce
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2021 20:17     Subject: “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”
Anonymous wrote:I admire you for not throwing your ex under the bus during a time when the kid needs to have as stable a relationship with him as possible. Maybe eventually the kid will figure it out for themself and then you could discuss it with them.


Good one OP. Take the higher road, you would always come ahead at the end.