Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW, I’ve known many, MANY men who regretted sleeping around before getting married. My xH slept around a lot in his 20s/early 30s, and after we got married he felt really bad about it for a long time. Said it felt like he had dishonored our marriage, and that it all sucked in comparison to what we had. I have friends whose husbands have expressed similar feelings.

I am a man, and I feel the same as your ex.

I don't feel that way. Any woman I slept with before marriage was someone I legitimately cared about.

Is it different for women you cared about vs. ONS?

I doubt OP's H wants to sleep around to see what it's like to "care" about someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female, and DH is my only. I sometimes want to know what it's like to be with someone else, but I'd never do it because it would hurt DH and blow up our marriage.

you already know that you would feel upset if he did this even if you give him a hallpass, so don't do it.

Why not have a three some? Then you could be involved, too. I would hire someone, rather than pick someone up, and the reason I say this is because there is less chance that the 3rd person would turn this into something personal rather than professional. Plus, the professional would know what she's doing and how she can make it exciting for you both.

A threesome is just another form of hall pass. Why should OP do that?

You speak as if a one-time threesome would satisfy whatever OP's DH is wanting. If so--you're pretty naive. Once OP said yes to a threesome, he likely would want to do it again or, if he felt uncomfortable with his wife watching him/participating, he would just start having sex with other women without OP there. Because she said yes to the threesome, once.

It will open up the floodgates, basically, even if he swears "one time will let me work out all my curiosity and we won't do it again."

As for "exciting for you both," from OP's post it sounds as if she is the kind of person who wants sex with someone she cares about and has a history with. That's her DH. The professional basically would be a sex toy for them both. Maybe OP doesn't want that, and isn't going to be turned on by a woman whether OP is watching or participating.

I've seen these "just have a threesome to keep DH happy" posts on these forums before. They seem to assume that the DW should be OK with a threesome with a DH and another woman, as if straight women secretly are going to be just fine with, eventually turned on by, sex involving another woman. It's just not something to assume about everyone. .I think that's a male fantasy.

Agreed. I'm a bisexual woman and the whole "oh threesomes huh". No, not really. That has to be something you're specifically into.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not going to end well.

I'm still stuck on the part where he would like to open up the relationship. I would sad I married such a guy. IOW if she doesn't he will end up cheating down the road.

I would also be extremely upset about this. I think fundamentally changing a relationship like this down the line suggests something is breaking, particularly if this expectation is one sided.

OP, if you are still reading:

The "open up the relationship" comment, even in passing, is reason for you and him to get help communicating. It appears you have not responded to that comment and you are still pondering it and letting it fester. You and he need to TALK very bluntly and openly. Rather than wondering "Is he feeling he's missing out?" you need to have some frank discussions. He is NOT going to know by osmosis that you do not want to open the marriage--you need to tell him why this upsets you and talk about what specifically you both can do to freshen up your sex life and improve your emotional connection (and yes, your moral connection to marriage as a monogamous relationship--if he does not believe that at his very core, you have a problem).

I would be looking for an experienced couples therapist or sex therapist ASAP. If DH is balky about that, he needs to man up in more ways than just "open marriage" talk. He committed to you, you to him, and you have children together.

The key reason my sex life with my DH -- my one and only partner ever, and we've been married 30 years -- works, and is actually improving as we get older, is because we talk. And frankly because I initiate. A lot.

OP if your kids are young -- he may be feeling the sex with you has dropped off, or you're not as adventurous as before kids etc. Hence the nonsense "open marriage" talk. Do you know for sure how he thinks about your current sex life re: kids, etc.? Does he know you would be devastated if he cheated or pressed for open marriage? I'm betting neither of you is frankly discussing these things. Please do. Get help doing so.

The pro-open marriage DCUM posters will come to crow about how wonderful it is but it's nothing except sanctioned cheating. People can call it a cutesy term like "hall pass" etc. but you don't want him to cheat. OP, so start communicating and telling him he needs to communicate too.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female, and DH is my only. I sometimes want to know what it's like to be with someone else, but I'd never do it because it would hurt DH and blow up our marriage.

you already know that you would feel upset if he did this even if you give him a hallpass, so don't do it.

Why not have a three some? Then you could be involved, too. I would hire someone, rather than pick someone up, and the reason I say this is because there is less chance that the 3rd person would turn this into something personal rather than professional. Plus, the professional would know what she's doing and how she can make it exciting for you both.

A threesome is just another form of hall pass. Why should OP do that?

You speak as if a one-time threesome would satisfy whatever OP's DH is wanting. If so--you're pretty naive. Once OP said yes to a threesome, he likely would want to do it again or, if he felt uncomfortable with his wife watching him/participating, he would just start having sex with other women without OP there. Because she said yes to the threesome, once.

It will open up the floodgates, basically, even if he swears "one time will let me work out all my curiosity and we won't do it again."

As for "exciting for you both," from OP's post it sounds as if she is the kind of person who wants sex with someone she cares about and has a history with. That's her DH. The professional basically would be a sex toy for them both. Maybe OP doesn't want that, and isn't going to be turned on by a woman whether OP is watching or participating.

I've seen these "just have a threesome to keep DH happy" posts on these forums before. They seem to assume that the DW should be OK with a threesome with a DH and another woman, as if straight women secretly are going to be just fine with, eventually turned on by, sex involving another woman. It's just not something to assume about everyone. .I think that's a male fantasy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not going to end well.

I'm still stuck on the part where he would like to open up the relationship. I would sad I married such a guy. IOW if she doesn't he will end up cheating down the road.

I would also be extremely upset about this. I think fundamentally changing a relationship like this down the line suggests something is breaking, particularly if this expectation is one sided.

Anonymous wrote:This is not going to end well.

I'm still stuck on the part where he would like to open up the relationship. I would sad I married such a guy. IOW if she doesn't he will end up cheating down the road.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the knowing that one has permission to explore is enough.

I didn’t have a whole lot of experience when my wife and I got together, she definitely did and right around the time we start having kids I started seeing my life slip away and felt bad about it. I explained how I was feeling to my wife and that this was in no way related to how I felt about her or our sex life together but I never got to do some of the stuff lots of my friends did. She understood and said that if the opportunity ever came up for casual sex with someone else it would be fine with her; she only asked that I use protection and not continue more than once for fear that it will lead to an entanglement.

The knowledge that I have a permit for screwing around is more than enough and I’ve never used it since it was issued 15 years ago.

Your wife is extremely patient because I'm pretty sure I would have kicked your ass to a new zip code if you started this nonsense while I was pregnant and dealing with newborns and toddlers, breastfeeding and sleepless nights etc.

+1 to the reply here.

The post above reads like it's either some guy's fantasy of what he wishes his DW had said, or if it were real, the DW is so fed up with him that she's glad to have him stop wanting sex with her.

He's trying to be touching and sweet by adding "the knowledge it was OK for me to screw around is all I needed!" I rolled my eyes so hard, they nearly popped out of my head. If this is for real, which is doubtful, he still would use it in a heartbeat if he had a real chance and he knows it.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the knowing that one has permission to explore is enough.

I didn’t have a whole lot of experience when my wife and I got together, she definitely did and right around the time we start having kids I started seeing my life slip away and felt bad about it. I explained how I was feeling to my wife and that this was in no way related to how I felt about her or our sex life together but I never got to do some of the stuff lots of my friends did. She understood and said that if the opportunity ever came up for casual sex with someone else it would be fine with her; she only asked that I use protection and not continue more than once for fear that it will lead to an entanglement.

The knowledge that I have a permit for screwing around is more than enough and I’ve never used it since it was issued 15 years ago.

Your wife is extremely patient because I'm pretty sure I would have kicked your ass to a new zip code if you started this nonsense while I was pregnant and dealing with newborns and toddlers, breastfeeding and sleepless nights etc.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the knowing that one has permission to explore is enough.

I didn’t have a whole lot of experience when my wife and I got together, she definitely did and right around the time we start having kids I started seeing my life slip away and felt bad about it. I explained how I was feeling to my wife and that this was in no way related to how I felt about her or our sex life together but I never got to do some of the stuff lots of my friends did. She understood and said that if the opportunity ever came up for casual sex with someone else it would be fine with her; she only asked that I use protection and not continue more than once for fear that it will lead to an entanglement.

The knowledge that I have a permit for screwing around is more than enough and I’ve never used it since it was issued 15 years ago.

Or use the curiosity to swing together.

Sometimes the knowing that one has permission to explore is enough.

I didn’t have a whole lot of experience when my wife and I got together, she definitely did and right around the time we start having kids I started seeing my life slip away and felt bad about it. I explained how I was feeling to my wife and that this was in no way related to how I felt about her or our sex life together but I never got to do some of the stuff lots of my friends did. She understood and said that if the opportunity ever came up for casual sex with someone else it would be fine with her; she only asked that I use protection and not continue more than once for fear that it will lead to an entanglement.

The knowledge that I have a permit for screwing around is more than enough and I’ve never used it since it was issued 15 years ago.

It probably means at least that he is curious about having multiple partners.

You have to decide what you want and make it clear what that is. No one should feel pressured into polyamory. You should accept that he may rank his curiosity above your relationship and emotionally prepare yourself to either stay in the relationship and take a lower priority or end the relationship. It’s your choice and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a permanent one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW, I’ve known many, MANY men who regretted sleeping around before getting married. My xH slept around a lot in his 20s/early 30s, and after we got married he felt really bad about it for a long time. Said it felt like he had dishonored our marriage, and that it all sucked in comparison to what we had. I have friends whose husbands have expressed similar feelings.

I am a man, and I feel the same as your ex.

I don't feel that way. Any woman I slept with before marriage was someone I legitimately cared about.

I'm a female, and DH is my only. I sometimes want to know what it's like to be with someone else, but I'd never do it because it would hurt DH and blow up our marriage.

you already know that you would feel upset if he did this even if you give him a hallpass, so don't do it.

Why not have a three some? Then you could be involved, too. I would hire someone, rather than pick someone up, and the reason I say this is because there is less chance that the 3rd person would turn this into something personal rather than professional. Plus, the professional would know what she's doing and how she can make it exciting for you both.

I met my husband freshman year of college so he's the only person I've ever slept with. I don't feel the slightest indication to sleep with anyone else. I'm not a prude and if people want to do open relationships and it's mutual, that's fine. But repeatedly pushing non monogamy or ogling others when one partner is not interested that's a big old red flag.

I do not think this is going to end well. I suggest you guys talk to a counselor.

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW, I’ve known many, MANY men who regretted sleeping around before getting married. My xH slept around a lot in his 20s/early 30s, and after we got married he felt really bad about it for a long time. Said it felt like he had dishonored our marriage, and that it all sucked in comparison to what we had. I have friends whose husbands have expressed similar feelings.

I am a man, and I feel the same as your ex.