Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolation is a tactic abusers use so their victims think they have nowhere to go.

Make it clear, with words and deeds, that she can always come to you.

Yes.

The thing is, she may not be able to get out right now. But one day she may be able to.

I had a friend in an abusive relationship. I read the book "Helping her Get Free" because I was struggling with it. The main premise was that you can not help someone leave who does not want to leave.

This is a really convenient way to rationalize not offering any support. Whether or not they want to leave, it is reality that many of not most women are not able to leave; either because of finances, or children, or lack of support. Don’t equate desire with ability. There aren’t too many women out there who are in a position to leave.

Except sometimes others outpour the help multiple times with more resources than most survivors would dream of. In those cases, it really is her being ready, thinking he can change

He is clearly an abusive narcissist and a border line psycho. Does your sister work and have any income of her own? He is certainly threatening to take the kids, and she might be horrified that her kids might be alone with the monster without her to protect them at least a bit.

Anonymous wrote:try to help her, let her know you are there, but know when you are at your limit. You can provide the tools, but she needs to want to use them.

You're responding to a post from 2021. How do people even find these things?

I get why the people after you have joined in; lots of people don't check dates. But why the Lazarus bit?

Why can't you spend time with her and the cousins without the DH? Can you help in small ways? When my father was abusive, although my mother was not yet ready to leave (this included the period of time after divorce was filed but they were still living together), my aunts did things like pick me up from school sometimes, bought groceries for my mom, let us hang out at their house to escape him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolation is a tactic abusers use so their victims think they have nowhere to go.

Make it clear, with words and deeds, that she can always come to you.

Yes.

The thing is, she may not be able to get out right now. But one day she may be able to.

I had a friend in an abusive relationship. I read the book "Helping her Get Free" because I was struggling with it. The main premise was that you can not help someone leave who does not want to leave.

This is a really convenient way to rationalize not offering any support. Whether or not they want to leave, it is reality that many of not most women are not able to leave; either because of finances, or children, or lack of support. Don’t equate desire with ability. There aren’t too many women out there who are in a position to leave.

try to help her, let her know you are there, but know when you are at your limit. You can provide the tools, but she needs to want to use them.

Anonymous wrote:Isolation is a tactic abusers use so their victims think they have nowhere to go.

Make it clear, with words and deeds, that she can always come to you.

+1

I agree OP would benefit from talking with experts. It sounds awful.

Anonymous wrote:I’d go to therapy and work it put there. I am surprised you don’t mention anger toward your sister, or hold her accountable for enabling - and it is enabling - her husband’s abuse of you and your parents.

Uh, unless she is being abused and is scared to say anything. Not the same as a mom who doesn’t protect her kids from husband’s abuse.

I’d go to therapy and work it put there. I am surprised you don’t mention anger toward your sister, or hold her accountable for enabling - and it is enabling - her husband’s abuse of you and your parents.

Anonymous wrote:Stop using the word super. It makes you sound immature and uneducated.

Your teens are old enough for an honest explanation. Stay out of your sisters marriage and yes, you need to back away from that relationship. Find some friends outside of your family.

geez, you count supers? this is hilarious.

Just being guy is rude in general and clearly doesn't like OP and distances family from OP is a far cry from sister being ready to escape an abuser. Have you all never had a family member marry someone rude, who you can't stand, and they sort of run off to barely be heard from ever? All.the.time. omg. This is nothing unusual. Crappy, but not unusual. This jerk husband probably has some goodens the sister likes - MONEY, sex, daddy figure, who knows. I wouldn't be too quick to judge.

OP, I'm sorry he is a jerk. Don't jump to conclusions. Just tell your sister that you miss seeing her more often, and kids miss. Not much else you can do. You can address her husband's rude behavior in real time next time he says something sh*tty in your presence. But be prepared for nuclear fallout.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should stop pathologizing already.

Seriously, it sounds like her husband just does not like his wife's family and given the self-absorbed way OP is responding, I can see why.