Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Ouch! Today is our anniversary and I hope there are no surprises!

It has gotten better for me over time. And I was really traumatized learning DH was a sex addict. I had PTSD like symptoms, severe anxiety, and eventually depression. I did Individual therapy, couples therapy, trauma group, EMDR, SSRI medication, S Anon, journaling, CBT app, and meditation. After two years, I’m finally starting to feel like myself again and safe in my relationship. Hugs to you. It does get better over time and with some work.

Np here. Very sorry you went through all this. Reading what you did, in think I'm not sure I would be able to get through it all, and would be sooooo angry at what I had to go through to get back to a better place, given I did nothing to trash the marriage. . Maybe I'd do it for my kids, but not for my marriage. ..I'm not judging you, takes huge emotional strength to do that...I hope things blossom for you...

Anonymous wrote:Can you celebrate instead on the day you met or your first date?

NP - but we don't keep track of those things - At least I don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are roughly in the same situation. Spouse found out about me on spouse's birthday and ever since has made clear that spouse won't celebrate the birthday and doesn't even want to be around me on the birthday. There's no getting around this, and I sort of get it, so I live with it. Every year the birthday just comes and goes.

I say I "sort of" get it only because I was never one who cared about my birthday or anniversary or holidays etc. Every day is the same as any other.

If you don’t care about birthdays I’m assuming living with it isn’t hard at all, right? So why do you say you “sort of” live with it?

I didn't say I sort of "live" with it. I said I sort of "get" it. Meaning I don't really "get" why people get so into birthdays and anniversaries in the first place.

I "totally" live with the situation regardless because I'm the one to blame.

Oh sorry, I misread. But when people say they live with something it sounds like they are accepting a hardship. But I guess that’s not your case.

It's a reminder every year, which I don't like. So yes it's a hardship and one I have no choice but to accept it.

Celebrate your spouse in a different day. Don’t give it a reason of even say it is for the birthday. But celebrate it every year on the same date.

My DH cheated and we’re two years post DD and in reconciliation. The anniversary of DD and other dates of significant cheating are still triggers for me. In the first year post DD, I didn’t want to do anything on those days (or listen to songs, travel to cities, eat a certain restaurants).

At some point I realized I was giving too much power to the affair and the past. DH and I agreed that we need to create a new print. Now we think of something we really like to do and specifically set it on a date or place that has a bad memory. We’re living the new story of our life now and creating new good memories. They do balance the old ones.

It has gotten better for me over time. And I was really traumatized learning DH was a sex addict. I had PTSD like symptoms, severe anxiety, and eventually depression. I did Individual therapy, couples therapy, trauma group, EMDR, SSRI medication, S Anon, journaling, CBT app, and meditation. After two years, I’m finally starting to feel like myself again and safe in my relationship. Hugs to you. It does get better over time and with some work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.

This is a lovely idea. Another date could be if you can think about what day you decided to stay vs. leave, that’s the anniversary that gets you to 20 years.

Yeah. Just don’t post the vow renewal on Facebook or tell your friends, because then everyone will know he or you cheated.

Really.

Unless it’s a milestone anniversary,. Op I think if this is your 20th this would be a great time. I’m not a social media posting person, but if that is your concern, have the renewal private and just between the 2 of you. Do it close to the original date, and when post each year you can be generic “this week/month We celebrate our 21 years of marriage”.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who was found out about on spouse's birthday. It doesn't matter if OP's feelings about the anniversary are "petty" or not -- her feelings are her feelings and can't be changed on a whim. Her feelings are her feelings, and not celebrating an anniversary is a small price for the cheating spouse to pay.

Agree. Not celebrating an anniversary or divorce? Pick one

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.

This is a lovely idea. Another date could be if you can think about what day you decided to stay vs. leave, that’s the anniversary that gets you to 20 years.

Yeah. Just don’t post the vow renewal on Facebook or tell your friends, because then everyone will know he or you cheated.

Really.

And think your husband or wife cheater is scum.

I have a hard time with our wedding anniversary after finding out about my husband’s affair and it isn’t even in the same season as the day I found out about his affair. It’s awful and I get it, OP.

I don’t know how much reading or therapy you have done, but you experienced a significant trauma on that day and the body keeps the score. It remembers. Grief anniversaries are real.

I asked for very specific details and dates and now even some of those dates cause me trouble.

Affairs are tremendous betrayal and break trust completely causing you to wonder if the person you married is the same person.

I went through a phase when I thought I was fine, but in some ways it gets harder. I’m only one year out, but I was told it takes 2-5 years to recover though I will never forget it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.

This is a lovely idea. Another date could be if you can think about what day you decided to stay vs. leave, that’s the anniversary that gets you to 20 years.

Yeah. Just don’t post the vow renewal on Facebook or tell your friends, because then everyone will know he or you cheated.

Really.

Pick a date that represents the new beginning you are forging together now and celebrate that, as the beginning of this relationship that perhaps is even better than before.

I'm the PP who was found out about on spouse's birthday. It doesn't matter if OP's feelings about the anniversary are "petty" or not -- her feelings are her feelings and can't be changed on a whim. Her feelings are her feelings, and not celebrating an anniversary is a small price for the cheating spouse to pay.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's you being petty. Your husband still is a cheater who broke your vows every other day of the year and this will still be true even if you have a vow renewal. This is either you trying to further punish him /guilt-trip him or further punish yourself seeking sympathy and pity , perhaps both.

either way, it's silly and petty, and pretty damn ridiculous since you decided to reconcile. So get to reconciling.

Uh, this is just false. Making an effort to avoid blatant reminders of tough times past is not a guilt trip or being petty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.

This is a lovely idea. Another date could be if you can think about what day you decided to stay vs. leave, that’s the anniversary that gets you to 20 years.

How does this work though? Is this just between you and your spouse, are kids and other family included?

Do you instruct them to wish you happy anniversary only on the new date, otherwise you'd still be reminded,

And you likely would still be reminded because you wouldn't need the new date if there was no affair.