Anonymous wrote:Yeah as a white woman married to a Korean guy, an Asian man being “picky about looks” is bad news. The baseline standards for appearance are already so high! I’m exhausted sometimes keeping up with the diet/exercise/hair/clothing routine just to look acceptable to my in laws. Your friend needs to lower his expectations from “looks like a k-drama star” to “in good shape and well put together” if he’s serious about finding a girlfriend and not actually a closet case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

You mean exactly like your friend is doing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why won't you date him, OP?

I was actually attracted to him, but he did not feel the same way. I’m not Asian, among other things.
Also when we became friends, I was already dating my soon-to-be DH, and I was equally attracted to him, so even if Asian friend were into me, I don’t think I would have ended my relationship to date him.

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Your post is full of reasons.
Is he short? NYC women don't want short men.
He's pessimistic, has confidence issues, but is picky about looks.
How do you know he's striking out repeatedly? Are you seeing the conversations he has with women? Maybe something he's saying is a major turn off.

He’s 6 ft tall, actually! He tells me about ask the unreturned messages he sends and the first dates that don’t lead to second dates. But I don’t know exactly what he says to them. In our friend circle, he’s a great conversationist and has many friends, but I guess it’s possible that he acts differently with potential mates?

Anonymous wrote:What kind of Asian is he?

A lot of women, even Korean American women, don't want to do Korean American men because they say the culture is very sexist.

I have lots of East Asian Americans friends who have told me this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen a lot of the posts on here implying that men have the upper hand in dating, esp going into their 30s.

So, what to make of my guy friend who's never had a serious girlfriend? He is an Ivy grad, solid corporate career, reasonably good-looking. Dry sense of humor, supersmart, into culture, good talker and listener. Downsides? He is a bit pessimistic, and has some confidence issues, but nothing major. He is definitely a nerd, not athletic (but not overweight at all). No issues with abuse, prior baggage, family issues, cheating, alcohol, etc. He wants to marry and have kids.

He has tried to date mostly online (in NYC where he lives), and it has not worked out well. He says it's because he's Asian and looking for Asian girls, and they all want to date white guys. He is a bit picky with looks, but it boggles my mind when I read about how hard it is to find a good man (especially in your 30s), and here is this awesome guy striking out repeatedly. Makes me wonder if women are complaining about the shortage of guys while overlooking perfectly good mates because they're not hot or flashy enough...

Or maybe both men and women overlook good potential mates while chasing some idea of a perfect unicorn relationship and then end up alone.

Your post is full of reasons.
Is he short? NYC women don't want short men.
He's pessimistic, has confidence issues, but is picky about looks.
How do you know he's striking out repeatedly? Are you seeing the conversations he has with women? Maybe something he's saying is a major turn off.

Anonymous wrote:Is he cocky? Cockiness is a HUGE turnoff for a lot of women, even if they can't articulate that.

Anonymous wrote:Why won't you date him, OP?

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this but we aren’t 33 or else I would think you’re talking about him. He is short and kind of messy in his appearance, and super pessimistic. But he’s nice and funny and athletic and makes good money. He’s lived in LA and is now in DC and I think he just goes after the wrong girls. He doesn’t date non-Asian women and the kinds of women he’s had minor relationships with always end up with taller, more alpha Asian guys or white guys. I am white and married to an Asian man and our friend group includes a lot of different backgrounds. We’ve all begged my single friend to date a wider variety of women to no avail.

I don’t think all non-Asian women are open to dating Asian men nor are Asian men willing to consider other races. There is a ton of gross and centuries-old racism when it comes to women dating Asian guys, and Asian first generation men who I know can be very parochial and even racist about dating outside their race, partly because of family and cultural pressure.