Anonymous wrote:A bit off-topic but what does happen to minors if say their flight is grounded? They can't be sent to a hotel alone overnight so what do the airlines do in cases like that?

Staff stay with them. Moving away parent should fly back and forth with child.

Unlike most of the posters on this thread, I am actually in this situation right now - I live on one coast and my ex-husband with whom I share a 12yo lives on the opposite coast. He was the one who moved. She was 7 at that time.

The way that we did it was for the first couple of years, he actually came back to where we lived once a month for a week or at the very least a long weekend during the school year. They stayed in the house that he started renting out on AirBNB when he left the area. During school breaks, we alternate who spends holidays with her. We also divide up the summer and each of us tries to take a vacation with her and then we try to find her camps that are interesting for her. Neither of us is super particular about where they are as long as it's what SHE wants to do.

When she was in 3rd grade, we started teaching her how to fly alone. It started with shorter trips to see our parents (each flight was about 2.5 hours each direction, no connections) and when she was comfortable, she started flying across the country to see him during the summer. In 2019, she was there for 4 weeks. In 2020, neither of them traveled due to the pandemic, and because it is literally a bicoastal drive, he and I agreed that they just wouldn't see each other until the pandemic was over because neither of us was willing OR able to drive 3,000 miles each way. She is leaving to spend 6-8 weeks there when school gets out next week. I think they are spending the first 2 weeks bumming around on vacation and then she last 4-6 weeks of camps, but we are all being very flexible. She is concerned that 8 weeks will feel like too long for her. I am concerned that it'll be WAY too long for me, but as many posters have unkindly pointed out, it's not about me.

The $ issue hasn't come up for us at all. We didn't fight about money when we were divorcing and haven't fought about travel expenses. This summer I bought the outbound ticket and he is buying the return, which they will book when she gets there and they talk about when she wants to come home.

As for communication, when she was little, we did nightly bedtime calls until she didn't like it anymore (about 6) and then weekly calls on my phone. She has had a "phone" since she was 10 and now can call and text him herself. He can also call and text her himself. He isn't great about proactively communicating and she isn't great about making conversation over text.

Anonymous wrote:A bit off-topic but what does happen to minors if say their flight is grounded? They can't be sent to a hotel alone overnight so what do the airlines do in cases like that?

There are rules about at what age kids can have connections unaccompanied and how long in total they can be in flight, etc. When you bring them to the airport, you are required to stay at the gate until the plane takes off in case there are any issues that cause plane to need to return to the gate and have people get off. I'd imagine that what would happen in the event that the airline needs to make a stop somewhere other than the destination airport where the receiving guardian is waiting, the airline would need to figure out how to get the kid to the destination airport ASAP or try to get a guardian to come pick them up. I do not imagine that it comes up that often.

A bit off-topic but what does happen to minors if say their flight is grounded? They can't be sent to a hotel alone overnight so what do the airlines do in cases like that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his life isn’t together, why does he need to be on the opposite coast? Why can’t he fail locally?

Full summer with dad makes sense if dad has a place to live.

I’m worried that you are going to have primary custody and yet does seem to feel entitled to child support. I’m worried you don’t have a lawyer. I’m worried you’re letting emotions get in the way of getting a fair deal here.

I would not commit to you flying out there twice a year. That’s a lot.

How old is kid? I’ve sat next to unaccompanied minors as young as six and they were fine.

One time we were on a flight halfway across the country that had to turn back around and land to let off a kid (with their sibling, both minors) who was having a medical or mental emergency. Not all minors are fine flying alone.

A young child shouldn't be flying alone. This situation could have happened to anyone and the flight needed diverting. Who ever is moving away should be the one flying the child back and forth and paying for it. Simple. If mom is moving cross country and taking child, it is her responsibility to bring the child back and forth to dad and make the relationship work. Twice a year for a few days is not a relationship.

Its funny people complain Dad's aren't involved but you read these posts and how many people are encouraging OP to not allow daily contact and only supervised visits 2 a year.

Anonymous wrote:If his life isn’t together, why does he need to be on the opposite coast? Why can’t he fail locally?

Full summer with dad makes sense if dad has a place to live.

I’m worried that you are going to have primary custody and yet does seem to feel entitled to child support. I’m worried you don’t have a lawyer. I’m worried you’re letting emotions get in the way of getting a fair deal here.

I would not commit to you flying out there twice a year. That’s a lot.

How old is kid? I’ve sat next to unaccompanied minors as young as six and they were fine.

One time we were on a flight halfway across the country that had to turn back around and land to let off a kid (with their sibling, both minors) who was having a medical or mental emergency. Not all minors are fine flying alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

The kid never spending Christmas, Thanksgiving or any meaningful part of summer break with mom is not reasonable.

Actually it is. Mom is moving away and Child only gets Dad a few times a year. Mom has birthday, every other holiday, etc. If mom wants holidays and summer, then Dad gets school year. She is taking the child away from their other parent.

Everyone needs to take the question of who is moving and why out of it, because the visitation/contact arrangements are about the kid's needs, not the parents, and the kid had no say in who moved where. Any arrangement that tries to stick it to one parent because they aren't living near the other is definitely not in the kid's best interest.

Is your ex mentally impaired? I’m asking this as kindly and as seriously as I can. You speak of him like a little boy who fell in love with a puppy at his grandpa’s house but who “just isn’t ready to take care of a dog”. That’s fine for a parent to say about a child, but it’s strange for one adult to say about another.. unless there’s a reason, a reason way beyond “I don’t like him anymore”.

Do you trust him to be alone with the kid? If not, you’ll need to get a court involved and document things he’s done that are dangerous.. you can’t and shouldn’t just tag the sister you like, as he’ll be the legal parent, she won’t be, and his wishes will trump hers even if she’s right.

I can’t figure out for the life of me why you don’t get lawyers to tell you what you’re entitled to and why you’d not want to have this documented, after all, your marriage was a legal contract, why would you disolve it and not replace it with another legally binding agreement?

As for facetime and the like, that isn’t the same as having a father around. My kids have all said that not being able to hug and touch upsets them and this is only when facetiming with grandparents.. my husband and I are married.

As for dad facetiming to read a story, how will that work? “Sorry Johnny, stop playing with your friends, time for Dad to Facetime you… either your kid will be mad he’s got to stop interacting with people who are physically around him, or he’ll get real sad after the call meaning you’ll have a mess of a kid on your hands at the ass end of the day. Why would you want that? As for the 10 minute window, again “Time’s up, Johnny” this is his father not a therapist.

As for time spent with each parent, kids mature a lot.. we have a first grader. At the beginning of the school year she was more little kid, now she’s more of a big kid. We watched a video on the science of the covid virus last night, she’d not have wanted to do that last spring. Her sense of humor is maturing. She’s showing more regulation in terms of her behavior. She’s discovered she really likes nonfiction.

Kids won’t always tell you what’s bothering them, we had this same kid do a science fair project.. one she really got into but what she was embarrased about.. it involved pullups and diapers. It took her a week to finally whisper to me “I want to do the project but I don’t want my class to think I wear pullups”. Fortunately for her she has a little brother, and we had a nice talk about ethics, I told her I’d not have suggested the project if she didn’t have a sibling who was younger and who was a regular pullup user.


This is the sort of thing that’s hard to do long-distance.

Personally, if things are so bad that your ex can’t parent well, I’d go for sole custidy. Harsh but there it is. I’d also do it if his judgement was impaired.

No way would I do what you want to do or what others are suggesting. It’d be hard for you to find a serious relationship if you and he are “staying” at each other’s houses. It looks too much like a family, and these visit cycles happen just often enough to make it difficult for a new relationship to get off the ground. If he is such a good dad and loves the kid so much, and you want him around, then you two need to live closer. Stay married if you have too,t hat might be the best solution especially if you know how his brain works. And, I have to ask, what about him made you fall in love with him, marry him and have kids? What changed so that now you are separating? I truly want to know. ”

Anonymous wrote:Angry Single Dad Troll has taken over this thread.

Dude, you are incredibly annoying. Do you have a job? Or do you just monitor DCUM all day, every day, and post in every. single. thread. that has anything to do with divorce and custody? Your stilted, fatuous writing style is a dead giveaway.

You need serious therapy.

DP but we only have her account and we don't really know what is happening. She isn't clear on who is moving or why child support is not in play or what the Dad's issues are. Dad wants to be in the kids life and Mom claims the kid is so attached to her that the kid cannot go to Dad for a long period of time. She could be spot on or she could be telling a story that she thinks benefits herself in order to get advice that allows her to feel better about not agreeing to visitation that gives Dad more opportunities.

We don't know who is moving. If it is Mom, could Dad be really upset and feeling off because his son is being forced to move away from him?

We don't know the issues that the Dad is having. Mom says that Dad can barely care for himself but if Mom initiated the Divorce, Dad could be really off because he is unhappy/depressed/sad about the divorce. He might be struggling to set himself up solo because he had not planned for that in his own mind. The change in circumstances might be the cause of his current being off.

We don't know if the kid has a good relationship with his Dad, only that he is "attached to Mom" but that is not exactly unusual for 6.

The picture painted by the Mom is that she is trying to be reasonable on visitation without actually providing details that are important.

I am not saying that Mom is in the wrong but that I am not willing to buy her very vague story and give her the benefit of the doubt.

If Mom is moving across country and taking the kid, Dad should be getting a lawyer, especially if Dad doesn't want his kid to be that far away. If Dad is moving, then it is a different scenario.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a divorce where my ex will live on one coast and I will live on the other. He agrees that it's best for our 6 year old son to live with me primarily. (He is a very loving father but does not have his life together and can barely take care of himself.) I want to foster a good relationship between him and my son, and I know he misses our son terribly and wants to see him as much as possible. He's very sad we will be living on opposite coasts and is in a bit of a tailspin about it. I'd like to set some sort of expectations so that not everything is "we will see." We are also trying to do this without court involvement, if possible. What is reasonable for phone/video calls with dad- maybe twice a week? What about visits? (Remember, he is young and can't fly alone that far.) I was thinking dad could try to come here maybe 3x/year and I could take son to other coast maybe 2x/year. Am I totally off base? I'm hesitant to commit to something like full summers there for kid, as his dad really needs to get his life together before that makes sense. I also don't think my kid would be able to go that long without me as he's quite attached. I mean, I'm sure he'd survive, I'm not trying to be self-centered, but it would be very hard for him emotionally as I know he feels more secure/safe with me. Just trying to get a sense for what others have done in similar situations, what is reasonable, etc. (Side note- child support is not in question here. We have a written agreement that neither of us will pay child support and I intend to honor it.)

Which one of you is moving?

Angry Single Dad Troll has taken over this thread.

Dude, you are incredibly annoying. Do you have a job? Or do you just monitor DCUM all day, every day, and post in every. single. thread. that has anything to do with divorce and custody? Your stilted, fatuous writing style is a dead giveaway.

You need serious therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

No, 8 weeks alone is not reasonable for a 6 year old and a parent who sounds like they are basically unfit. reading between the lines, something is going on with the dad’s mental health.

OP, I think daily calls would be great but not if your ex will flake. Sometimes though it can be easier just to do something every day than 2x/week in terms of scheduling.

For visits - can your ex stay with you when he visits? One of the more functional long-distance divorces I know of, the noncustodial dad would go stay in the mom’s house for long visits (up to 2 weeks I think). An unusual situation but they were very dedicated to their child.

For visits to dad’s house - I would plan to travel out their with the child for a few years as much as possible, stay in an airbnb

Another possibility would be if your ex has any relatives you trust? Kid and dad could stay together with the in laws.

We only know OP side and OP is taking her child cross country and moving away. We don't know if he is unfit or she is making that up. She is claiming all these bad things about Dad. THIS IS WHY DAD's give up as they aren't allowed a relationship with their kids. OP needs to give Dad a chance to be Dad on his own and take care of his child. If she is always there, he cannot be a Dad and parent. At that point, just terminate the relationship all together as in the long run its easier than seeing your kid maybe once a year supervised and a few phone calls a month.

Dad absolutely should get the bulk of the summer. Child is going without Dad for 10-12 months a year. How is that ok, but not ok to be without mom so he can be with his Dad. Dad should not have to go to Mom's house to see his child. Dad probably only gets so much leave from his job.

Seriously, just tell ex, you don't want him involved anymore and let everyone move on and don't complain Dad isn't involved when its people like this poster who are preventing the relationships.

“Dad” could easily have gotten off his behind and challenged OP moving out of state but he did not. OP does not have to “give” him anything. He clearly has issues.

He doesn't have issues. He's trying to work with Mom, who isn't working with him. What good does challenging the move? She can move before he gets a court hearing and there is little a judge will do except for a rare judge. Dad is not to blame here. Mom is moving cross country, taking child and restricting phone calls and access. That speaks volumes of Mom's character and Mom is to blame for taking the child from Dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re trying to do this without the courts involved, you’re going to have to let dad have (most of the) summer and school breaks (alternating who gets the first/second half of Christmas break).

If dad is actually unstable you may need court involvement for him to agree to limited visits.

Huh? that makes no sense. clearly this guy is struggling in some fundamental way. OP doesn’t have to agree to any specific amout of time just because they aren’t going through the court.

Mom may need to prove in court if Dad doesn't agree to Mom's conditions. She will have to have proof of why he cannot get unsupervised holidays or summers. Flying alone is not a reason to deny visits. If she moves away a judge can order her to pay for the plane tickets and fly back and forth. OP doesn't have to agree, nor does Dad and they can take it to court and a judge decide. Dad is probably better off with a Judge deciding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

The kid never spending Christmas, Thanksgiving or any meaningful part of summer break with mom is not reasonable.

Actually it is. Mom is moving away and Child only gets Dad a few times a year. Mom has birthday, every other holiday, etc. If mom wants holidays and summer, then Dad gets school year. She is taking the child away from their other parent.

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable:

You are moving away so:

You fly the child out, leave chid with Dad Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break and fly back and get him when break is over paying all expenses. Reasonable is Dad gets 8 weeks in the summer with you flying child back/forth and paying for the flights.

Reasonable is a 10 minute phone call every night.

The kid never spending Christmas, Thanksgiving or any meaningful part of summer break with mom is not reasonable.