Nanny here.

There are a ton of nannies who have to do this, because we never know when our employers will spring something on us last minute. There are also a few Sahp or PT wohp who do this, but it's usually based on kid's mood (some children have behavior on certain days that they don't want to inflict on anyone else, so I applaud them for only firming up plans after they know what kind of day it's going to be).

I have NEVER run into someone like OP's "friend" who will decide day-of whether to get coffee or clean the house... while she is completely child-free and they are at school! I don't even know where to start with that.

Here's my two cents OP:

When I know that someone prefers to be spontaneous (again, usually due to working around others, but it can also apply in your situation), I make plans that can work whether they join us or not, then I send a quick text to invite them morning of. It literally doesn't matter to me whether they come to xyz park with us that day or whether they get around to meet us at the Botanical Garden before we eat lunch. I don't tell my charges that I've invited anyone who doesn't plan at least 24 hours ahead, because that way they aren't disappointed.

So! Make your plans to go berry picking, to Clemyjontri/Our Special Harbor, the zoo, wherever. Plan around what you and kids want to do, then decide the night before or the day of whether to invite them or not. They may come, they may not, but you don't have to (and shouldn't) let this mom (or anyone else) dictate your schedule.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not to be snarky, but maybe she just doesn't want to make plans with you? if she doesn't make a firm plan with you, just don't follow up and don't show up

I don’t think this is it. Our kids get along well.

She ended up confirming a time and place so now we are getting ready to meet her.

I met her in a moms group pre Covid and she was always non commital back then too. Even if kids were in preschool, she would have to see if she wanted to clean the house or meet up for coffee. I didn’t think anything of it back then because a group was getting together and maybe she was coming.

OP. Sis. So...you wanted to take your kids somewhere, but since she lowered herself to hang out with you, you scrapped the plans you had for someone who couldn’t commit to the morning of?

Seriously? You actually hang out with someone who tells you she has to decide if she wants to clean the house (or scratch her arse) vs. make plans with you? WHY?

The mom’s group was an event for ~100 people and people would rsvp and come. I hosted a few coffees and she was usually a maybe. It is just how she rolls.

During Covid, we got closer. All our plans were very last minute and it was fine and I never thought anything of it because it wasn’t like we had anything else going on. We probably met once per week from May until September 2020. Now things are different as kids are back in school and have activities. Both our kids just finished preschool which was why we were planning to meet up this week.

Drop her a text as you're leaving for your two-hour trek to say, "We decided to go to ____ today, so I'm not around, just letting you know. Talk soon."

Close the loop.

"What" she wants does not need to be how Op operates. Op will never have a quality relationship with this person if Op is always bending to what she wants.

Stop making plans with her ahead of time. She doesn't seem to work that way.

"Hi Jane, we are headed to the zoo tomorrow (or today) at 11am. Want to meet us there?"

That is what she wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'm not friends with people like this. It's truly not a judgment. I think a lot of people prefer not to plan, and just go with what their mood dictates, or what comes together on a particular day, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I am a planner. I never go to bed at night not knowing what I'm doing the next day (absent emergencies, obviously). And generally, by Sunday night, I know what I'm doing all week, and the next weekend. It's just my strong preference to know what's coming. So I just can't mesh well with people like this. It's too frustrating for everyone.

I was also like this way before kids, FWIW.

NP here. I’m exactly like this as well. I like to plan one “social event” (i.e., outing or at-home get-together with a relative’s or friend’s family) every weekend. We have a pretty big circle so it’s not hard, but I like to plan 1-2 weeks in advance. Some people are so spur-of-the-moment that it’s impossible to meet them because they only initiate a couple days in advance (by which time I already have plans) and don’t commit ahead of time. I like them and I don’t take it personally though.

Same. And with the friends who are more spontaneous, let's put it - I usually just try to make sure that I haven't made tentative plans for some time that I'd rather have something more certain in my calendar. I still like those people - and I try not to take it personally that they make plans differently than I do - but I also try not to have them control any part of my schedule.

Actually being friends with a couple of people like this has made me realize that I am way more of a planner now than I was when I was younger - and how frustrating I must have been when I was younger...

It may make you feel more empowered to say, "let me know by (fill in the date) if you'd like to"

You're teaching her it's OK to treat you this way. If it is OK to treat you this way, that's fine. If it's not, you need to set some parameters and give some pushback.

I would tell her but go with your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'm not friends with people like this. It's truly not a judgment. I think a lot of people prefer not to plan, and just go with what their mood dictates, or what comes together on a particular day, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I am a planner. I never go to bed at night not knowing what I'm doing the next day (absent emergencies, obviously). And generally, by Sunday night, I know what I'm doing all week, and the next weekend. It's just my strong preference to know what's coming. So I just can't mesh well with people like this. It's too frustrating for everyone.

I was also like this way before kids, FWIW.

NP here. I’m exactly like this as well. I like to plan one “social event” (i.e., outing or at-home get-together with a relative’s or friend’s family) every weekend. We have a pretty big circle so it’s not hard, but I like to plan 1-2 weeks in advance. Some people are so spur-of-the-moment that it’s impossible to meet them because they only initiate a couple days in advance (by which time I already have plans) and don’t commit ahead of time. I like them and I don’t take it personally though.

Making plans on Wednesday or Thursday for the weekend is not spur of the moment. It may not be be as early as you want, but no one is flying by the seat of their pants in that situation. It’s certainly not comparable to someone telling you the morning of if they are interested or not.

I'd just follow up once with a "does Thursday work to meet up? If not, I'm going to make other plans!"

That way she knows she's keeping your from something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not to be snarky, but maybe she just doesn't want to make plans with you? if she doesn't make a firm plan with you, just don't follow up and don't show up

I don’t think this is it. Our kids get along well.

She ended up confirming a time and place so now we are getting ready to meet her.

I met her in a moms group pre Covid and she was always non commital back then too. Even if kids were in preschool, she would have to see if she wanted to clean the house or meet up for coffee. I didn’t think anything of it back then because a group was getting together and maybe she was coming.

This is just a different personality. It's fine if it doesn't jive with your need to plan, you're just not a good match, but I wouldn't take it personally.

Nope, the DAY OF is not the time to hem and haw and maybe we'll get back to you and blah blah blah. It's the day of. In or out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes since it is today I think you re fine to make a different plan. I would text something like. Hi Jane, sorry today did not work out for you. Hope we can get together soon.

I just think it is rude to not confirm by the morning of. I actually just texted her and she said she will let me know after everyone is up.

"That doesn't work for me. We're up and want to plan our day. Looking forward to another time."

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'm not friends with people like this. It's truly not a judgment. I think a lot of people prefer not to plan, and just go with what their mood dictates, or what comes together on a particular day, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I am a planner. I never go to bed at night not knowing what I'm doing the next day (absent emergencies, obviously). And generally, by Sunday night, I know what I'm doing all week, and the next weekend. It's just my strong preference to know what's coming. So I just can't mesh well with people like this. It's too frustrating for everyone.

I was also like this way before kids, FWIW.

NP here. I’m exactly like this as well. I like to plan one “social event” (i.e., outing or at-home get-together with a relative’s or friend’s family) every weekend. We have a pretty big circle so it’s not hard, but I like to plan 1-2 weeks in advance. Some people are so spur-of-the-moment that it’s impossible to meet them because they only initiate a couple days in advance (by which time I already have plans) and don’t commit ahead of time. I like them and I don’t take it personally though.

Honestly, I'm not friends with people like this. It's truly not a judgment. I think a lot of people prefer not to plan, and just go with what their mood dictates, or what comes together on a particular day, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I am a planner. I never go to bed at night not knowing what I'm doing the next day (absent emergencies, obviously). And generally, by Sunday night, I know what I'm doing all week, and the next weekend. It's just my strong preference to know what's coming. So I just can't mesh well with people like this. It's too frustrating for everyone.

I was also like this way before kids, FWIW.