I have boy/girl twins. My daughter has always been neat and organized. Cleaning the kitchen - no problem, setting the table - no problem, doing the laundry, homework, cleaning her room - no problem. My son always needed more help. We asked the kids to alternate days to do chores. Otherwise, my daughter would just do everything. As for packing, I pack things *I* want my kids to wear. If it's a special occasion, I will make sure they have the outfits that I bought for them. But I let my kids pack the rest. I do give them (read my son) prompts of the general categories of "must haves," such as socks, underwear, toothbrush, etc. The rest, I decided to let go. One time, my son only packed one t-shirt (and one rash guard), so he had to do laundry every day. He never made this mistake again. Will he ever be able to pack a suitcase the same way I would have packed it? Probably not in the foreseeable future. And that's ok with me.

I pack enough for DS/DH so that our trip/event isn't ruined by them. I do this for me. I do this so it doesn't ruin my trip/event. Keep your eye on that fine line, of when it will negatively affect you. Don't bother to manage them if it's not affecting you. An example of when it wasn't too important to me ~ Europe trip. DH packed himself. Packed sooo much. He, not me, would be dealing with the inconvenience. A suitcase way too big, and way too heavy. Pulling it everywhere. I had my own, much lighter bag. He decided after our first hotel stop, he had to lighten his load. Realized he packed too much. Mailed stuff home.

Did he learn and become a better packer because of that experience? Not really. But I roll with it because it really didn't affect me. If he didn't have the right clothes for a wedding, it would affect me because that would embarrass me.

I think you look at what the school model does differently from home and try to replicate it since it works for him. School breaks tasks down into many manageable tasks; it's predictable; he gets written reminders; immediate feedback. These things all help kids, who are still learning, to initiate, stick with, and complete tasks. Maybe he doesn't need every part of this but some might help.

My 14 yo DS can't pack a bag either, but he has ADHD and isn't very well organized at much. (We're working on it, though!) I appreciate the suggestions everyone has given. He's going to stay with grandparents next week, and I'm going to have him walk me through the packing process as a learning experience.

Nanny here.

I go into a family expecting that nobody has taught a child any life skills. I start every single child the same way, having them show me what they can do in the course of the first few weeks (in fun ways, not authoritative demands to do random things). From there, I have how-to lists (written and pictorial) for every single chore I expect a child to learn to do. I don't care if your child is 4 or 14, they can learn to pack a suitcase independently; it's up to the adult to figure out how to motivate them and to give them the tools so that they can eventually do it on their own.

I'm with three girls now: 6, 6, and 10. We've been practicing this all year, but they started completely clueless. At the beginning of the year, I would get a pile of books (first 5yo), a pile of toys (second 5yo) and a set of clothes for the next day, maybe a bathing suit (9yo). This morning, they packed pajamas (including extras in case one wets the shared bed), clothing (including extra in case they get messy while baking), toiletries (including remembering that they needed to grab a new tube of toothpaste that still has a cap!), swimming necessities (including pool towels), riding gear (including helmets and boots), books, toys, devices/cords and bikes with helmets. This is for ONE night at their grandparents, but since they don't know what their grandparents have planned for this evening or tomorrow, they planned for everything that MIGHT happen, and they didn't check the lists at all (one list for generic trips, one list each for swimming, biking, riding, grandparents' house, all stored in one of the suitcases). I offered to help, and the 10yo politely asked me to let them do it for themselves. My only job was to put everything into the back of the SUV. It took them 30 minutes of discussion and packing to accomplish all of it, and I have no doubt that all three will be able to accomplish it solo within the next 2 years.

If you want someone to learn something that they don't do intuitively, you have to teach them. If you want them to eventually do it independently, they need tools and plenty of practice. These girls have learned to do the dishes, laundry, clean up after themselves, organize their toys and clothes, pack, etc. They are capable, but they've had help to learn, tools to help them remember steps, and time to practice.

Oh, and it has nothing to do with gender. My last family was 3 boys, and they learned. The family before was 1 girl and 2 boys, and they learned. Children rise to your expectations, if you're willing to put in the time and effort. You can't turn them loose and expect them to do things without teaching, tools and time.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be mean but the tone of your post is that you find these shortcomings charming. If your son can get away with doing no household labor by smiling abd going “aww shucks!” that’s infinitely easier and more appealing.

Yes, you are teaching him this.

If my son ever half the crap you describe, it wouldn’t be tolerated. Are you kidding me lady? You truly believe your son “can’t” load the dishwasher without breaking dishes? Here’s how that would go in my house: “Larlo, you broke three dishes, so I need you to find replacements” He would have to spend time searching and ordering them. The second time it happened he would pay for it with his own money. If he did a crap job loading the dishwasher, I would send him back to do it again. This is stuff you should have taught him YEARS ago. You’re teaching him that if he doesn’t to clean up after himself all he has to do is break a plate.

+1

We traveled a lot when I was growing up, flying to many countries. My dad never learned to pack a suitcase. My mom literally packed his and hers. So, yes. It’s possible he won’t learn.

He’s 12!! You are the parent, teach him.

Anonymous wrote:You teach him by letting him pick and live with the consequences. If he has one pair of shorts, that’s what he has. He will remember the next time.

Wrong move - I’m 40 and had these consequences out on me and still can’t figure it out.

Teach while young, it only gets harder as you grow up.

I don’t know why people think disorganization needs to be punished.

If YOU are also struggling with teaching him, figure out how to add it to your budget to bring in a professional organizer, or some kind of behaviorist to help (yes I realize this sounds extreme but being able to be clean and organize is a skill I wish I had been helped with)

I’m not trying to be mean but the tone of your post is that you find these shortcomings charming. If your son can get away with doing no household labor by smiling abd going “aww shucks!” that’s infinitely easier and more appealing.

Yes, you are teaching him this.

If my son ever half the crap you describe, it wouldn’t be tolerated. Are you kidding me lady? You truly believe your son “can’t” load the dishwasher without breaking dishes? Here’s how that would go in my house: “Larlo, you broke three dishes, so I need you to find replacements” He would have to spend time searching and ordering them. The second time it happened he would pay for it with his own money. If he did a crap job loading the dishwasher, I would send him back to do it again. This is stuff you should have taught him YEARS ago. You’re teaching him that if he doesn’t to clean up after himself all he has to do is break a plate.