Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 19:04     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
I think you did it because you were mad at your DH for sleeping late. So he said “we’re leaving in 30” and then, in the middle of the afternoon, you told your DS to go shower just to piss off your DH? Is that a normal showering time for your kid?

If you want your DH to get up earlier, have the conversation like adults.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 18:52     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm on your side with this-Dh literally tried to block your parenting, instead of actually parenting with you. Yes, the kid needed a shower! It's part of hygiene.

And the guy got up in your face...that is abusive OP. I'm sorry, I think I'd be lining up ducks.


In the interim I just give in, right? I think my bottom line is bedtime and deodorant/tooth brushing before school. Otherwise does more harm than good to fight over DS.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 18:32     Subject: how to handle this behavior
OP, I'm on your side with this-Dh literally tried to block your parenting, instead of actually parenting with you. Yes, the kid needed a shower! It's part of hygiene.

And the guy got up in your face...that is abusive OP. I'm sorry, I think I'd be lining up ducks.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 18:26     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:It's humid outside and sticky. Your kid will be sweaty 30 minutes after showering. Why shower when you're going out all afternoon in the humidity? It makes no sense. I agree with your husband. It could wait until tonight.

Also, you were contradicting yourself when you rushed your husband to hurry up and leave while simultaneously telling your kid to shower first. Pick one.

You would drive me crazy, OP, and I am woman.


To be clear, I wasn't rushing them to hurry up.

It went like this:
1) DH gets up (at 1pm, has been in bed until then while I got up at 6:30am)
2) DH is in kitchen in pajamas cooking himself lunch and says he has plans to go somewhere in 30 minuts
3) I tell DS "Go hop in the shower"
4) DH emerges from kitchen and gets in my facing saying "He doesn't need to shower now - why are you making him shower? He can shower tonight."
5) I try to ignore and just keep on prompting DS to get into the shower
6) DH starts yelling and standing over us
7) I send DS to the showers, trying to limit the amount I say to DH and not get into it with him
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 18:21     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:Honestly it's abusive to expose kids to your and DH's behavior. Great modeling. /s


OP here. I agree, this kind of thing would be abusive if it happened all the time. Thankfully it doesn't - but I want to learn tactics so it doesn't happen at all. It's all so totally random that DH will pick out something to object to and physically interfere with.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 18:20     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm on Team Dad with regard to not needing to shower. An 8 year old can get away with it for several days.

However, he shouldn't be questioning you in front of the kid. United front and all that. As the kid gets older, he will play the two of you off each other to get what he wants.


+1

Agree. And DH will be the one who has to deal with the kid today, so who cares. For today anyway.

Tell DS later today that he needs to shower every night, period, and there will be consequences if he does not.

It is an issue between you and the kid- don’t make into a marital issue.


Yeah, but do you really think it was OK for him to forcefully contradict me? This wasn't an argument about whether the kid has to shower every day or not, or when that should be - he just got a bee in his bonnet, for whatever reason, when he heard me send DS to the shower. (Note: they did not actually leave until a full 45 minutes after this argument.)
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:42     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly it's abusive to expose kids to your and DH's behavior. Great modeling. /s


So beat to divorce belligerent, argumentative spouses who undermine actual parenting and raising kids?


So best to continually expose them to verbal abuse and manipulation as opposed to actual parenting?


So if that’s all H has on offer, divorce. We seem to agree.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:40     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly it's abusive to expose kids to your and DH's behavior. Great modeling. /s


So beat to divorce belligerent, argumentative spouses who undermine actual parenting and raising kids?


So best to continually expose them to verbal abuse and manipulation as opposed to actual parenting?
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:36     Subject: how to handle this behavior
It's humid outside and sticky. Your kid will be sweaty 30 minutes after showering. Why shower when you're going out all afternoon in the humidity? It makes no sense. I agree with your husband. It could wait until tonight.

Also, you were contradicting yourself when you rushed your husband to hurry up and leave while simultaneously telling your kid to shower first. Pick one.

You would drive me crazy, OP, and I am woman.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:33     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:Honestly it's abusive to expose kids to your and DH's behavior. Great modeling. /s


So beat to divorce belligerent, argumentative spouses who undermine actual parenting and raising kids?
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:32     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I instruct child (8, has not bathed in 2 days) to take a shower before he leaves the house with DH for the afternoon. DH is still in pajamas and cooking himself lunch, no indication they will leave in less than 30 minutes. DH gets in my face, saying “Why does he have to shower? He can shower tonight.” I try to ignore and continue getting kid to the bathroom. Kid is the type to need multiple prompts. DH continues insisting on showering later, raising his voice. I raise my voice and say “Kid is showering now, period. You’re clearly not leaving immediately.”

Obviously, terrible relationship. But how do I best handle this kind of sh*t (happens on the regular) with minimum conflict? DH is frequently unreasonable about totally normal things I want to do, will absolutely dig in.


Your husband has anger and control issues and is using your kids hygiene to get back at you.

You shouldn’t take the bait. But it’s hard to gray rock someone argumentative or abusive who you live with.

Your son needs real parenting, chores, expectations and consequences. Your pushover spouse has to deliver there or everything will be undermined. Like he did today.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:28     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Honestly it's abusive to expose kids to your and DH's behavior. Great modeling. /s
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:25     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I'm on Team Dad with regard to not needing to shower. An 8 year old can get away with it for several days.

However, he shouldn't be questioning you in front of the kid. United front and all that. As the kid gets older, he will play the two of you off each other to get what he wants.


Ew, no. Not unless the kid is an indoor plant, 24/7 videogames couch potato who never gets exercise, and if he is, that's pathetic.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 17:21     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I'm on Team Dad with regard to not needing to shower. An 8 year old can get away with it for several days.

However, he shouldn't be questioning you in front of the kid. United front and all that. As the kid gets older, he will play the two of you off each other to get what he wants.


+1

Agree. And DH will be the one who has to deal with the kid today, so who cares. For today anyway.

Tell DS later today that he needs to shower every night, period, and there will be consequences if he does not.

It is an issue between you and the kid- don’t make into a marital issue.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2021 16:03     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Nasty.

My boys have always showered/bathed daily.

From the very youngest ages.

Now as teens if they have sports games, it might even be twice a day.

Your husband is nasty.