Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:52     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.




More likely, he will be so appreciative that you, and not a daycare or nanny, are caring for your child. If he's all you say, I think it would make him love you all the more.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:48     Subject: Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Staying home made our home life better for my family. We are all less stressed and I enjoy being with my kids. My dh and I have always been close, so no change there. We lived on one income and saved the other for years before we had kids, and money isn't a source of strife. We share everything.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:45     Subject: Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:I always yell women to work to PT. You won’t have a large gap in your career, you will have an income, and you get out of the house. Stay home for another 3 months and then go back 2-3 days. You will miss going to work and talking to adults. As much as I enjoyed my baby, I was bored out of my mind most of the day.


* tell, not tell. Though that works too!
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:44     Subject: Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
I always yell women to work to PT. You won’t have a large gap in your career, you will have an income, and you get out of the house. Stay home for another 3 months and then go back 2-3 days. You will miss going to work and talking to adults. As much as I enjoyed my baby, I was bored out of my mind most of the day.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:42     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.


From a male perspective, one of my best friends from law school has exactly that happen to his perception of his wife when she stopped working. He said she was no longer interesting to talk to because she didn't have anything to say that didn't relate immediately to their family. And while you can talk about that a lot, it's also nice to be able to talk your spouse about other things. So yes, I think that could be a concern.


As a former SAHM I find that concept interesting. My H never had a whole lot to talk about even though he was working full time. He does not read books and limits himself to very few news sources. I, on the other hand, am very curious about what's going on in the world and our community, read a lot, and have plenty to talk about. I think that's more a reflection of the person than what they do all day. Also, many jobs are not exactly interesting to hear about at the end of the day either, so there's that.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:41     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:If your husband tells you that you need to fire the cleaning service because you will be home and you need to save money then you will know your relationship will change.


OP here. This is definitely nor him. We have a bi-weekly housekeeper. He even suggested I hire a PT nanny or for a couple hours so I can get a break. He’s pretty supportive. I guess I’m mostly nervous his view of me will change.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:41     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
I'm the wife, and my husband wound up losing his job shortly after our baby was born. I noticed when he was not working he became more deferential to me about anything money-related. That was actually what prompted our agreement that we don't spend more than $300 without checking in with each other.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:36     Subject: Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:No, but DH and I were on board with me staying hike from the beginning and I never looked at it like I was dependent on him. We are a team. Our kids need both of us for different reasons.


For anything other than incubating and breastfeeding this shouldn't be true.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:34     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.


From a male perspective, one of my best friends from law school has exactly that happen to his perception of his wife when she stopped working. He said she was no longer interesting to talk to because she didn't have anything to say that didn't relate immediately to their family. And while you can talk about that a lot, it's also nice to be able to talk your spouse about other things. So yes, I think that could be a concern.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:28     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Agree with those who said that theirs got better! I actually do work a few hours every day but DH is a completely equal partner as soon as he gets home. We have three kids that he wanted just as much as I did so he realizes that I am working while he is working, even though I’m at home. He does most of the cooking, a lot of the other chores are already done, and we split the kid stuff 50/50 when he gets home. Works great for us.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:20     Subject: Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
No, but DH and I were on board with me staying hike from the beginning and I never looked at it like I was dependent on him. We are a team. Our kids need both of us for different reasons.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 17:19     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
If your husband tells you that you need to fire the cleaning service because you will be home and you need to save money then you will know your relationship will change.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 16:55     Subject: Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
If you truly do want the time with the baby, go for it. But if you are doing it because your husband does not pull his weight in the household or thinks his job makes him too special and important for any task he can dump on you, or he means well but is disorganized, or he's lazy, then don't. You will resent him and it will mess up your marriage. Better to work and hire more help.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 16:52     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
I think ours got better! I went back to work after our first baby but stayed at home after the second because the stress was getting to me. We had always saved most of my income so we had a nice nest egg and my husband was on a very good path so money was not an immediate issue. Just because I was home more he didn't expect me to do more as we had a pretty good division of responsibilities. I definitely felt less stress and that was a good thing for our marriage and our love life which soon led to baby #3. I eventually went back to work but locally and on my terms such that it really fit my life. My husband has always been very supportive of my career decisions which has been a real positive in our relationship.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2021 16:45     Subject: Re:Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.


* perception


He will. Nobody really wants that level of drive applied to household management and parenting and relationship, I think. Unless you have 3 or more kids in which case that is what it takes.