Anonymous wrote:He sounds gay to me. It sounds like perhaps he isn't fully aware of it or admitting it to himself. But I think his non-interest in sex with you over the long term is pretty suggestive.

Agree. A lot of the observations on your list seem to indicate that he is at least questioning. The younger coworker thing in particular.

It's not uncommon in people with his background and demographic.

This does not mean that your relationship has to be doomed but it is a thing that you will both have to navigate. I'm sorry.

I think he is gay.

I think the lack of enthusiasm for sex is a red flag, and also I wish you could experience sex with a very hetero man who is loving it!

I think the friendship with this younger guy is a sign that he is going to start exploring this side of himself more. I think even if you don't say something, this issue will make itself known in your life eventually.

Protect yourself before STD s become a concern.

I'm the PP who divorced the closeted husband. I am *shocked* by how oblivious most of you are. Everything the OP laid out is a red flag that I knew about even before having personal experience with the subject. When I found out my ex was sucking d***, my internal response was literally "but he's not homophobic and he doesn't have gay friends, so he can't be!" Those, together, are so often indicators.

Anonymous wrote:
This all seems normal, OP. Not all men are uncouth, randy cavemen, contrary to what many Americans believe. A lot of straight men care about their appearance and are generally considerate. Drive varies wildly.

dp.. agree, but what about being homophobic but having gay friends. That seems odd.

This all seems normal, OP. Not all men are uncouth, randy cavemen, contrary to what many Americans believe. A lot of straight men care about their appearance and are generally considerate. Drive varies wildly.

There is a saying about leaving well enough alone. Why are you looking for trouble?

If your husband is not gay, you're basically accusing him of being gay. Not a good result.
If your husband is gay, your marriage and your kids' lives are ruined. Not a good result.
If you go on with your life, which sounds pretty terrific, and you stop trying to find trouble, you continue having a good life. Good result.

So yes, I think you are crazy and you should stop watching whatever you are watching on Netflix.

The part about being homophobic but having gay friends seems weird to me. The other stuff, not so much.

You are having more sex than most people married that long. It sounds like passion or excitement is missing from your relationship, maybe it was never there.

Also him hanging out a lot with guys is actually typical of a guy's guy.

I would foremost worry about whether he was engaging in sex with another person (man or woman) and be concerned about protection & protecting myself.

If you want to stay with him regardless, that's your prerogative, but at least make sure you know what the stakes are.

Anonymous wrote:I am still shocked when people complain about sex once a week being married. That is not bad in a long relationship. I has an almost completely sexless marriage (I am talking no sex for almost the entire duration of the marriage, which was not short).

I don't see red flags here. I see possibly a mismatched libido, but overall, it seems pretty good to me. (divorced after a truly sexless marriage and no normal relationship of any kind withing the marriage.)

Yeah to me it’s not the frequency that’s a red flag. Once a week is totally normal. It’s his attitude toward it, in combination with all the other things.

He sounds gay

He sounds gay to me. It sounds like perhaps he isn't fully aware of it or admitting it to himself. But I think his non-interest in sex with you over the long term is pretty suggestive.

Trust your gut. Sounds like he is probably at least bi.

If it were me, I would file it away and live with the wondering/unknowing. At least while the kids are still at home and your relationship is otherwise good. I might try again for a better sex life--calm discussion, counseling perhaps. But if he is gay or bi and isn't being honest with himself, it's really up to him to reach that realization and face it--your questioning him about it will only make him defensive. To answer your question, I don't think you are crazy, but I also don't think you would be doing yourself (or him if he is in denial) any favors by rocking the boat.

I am still shocked when people complain about sex once a week being married. That is not bad in a long relationship. I has an almost completely sexless marriage (I am talking no sex for almost the entire duration of the marriage, which was not short).

I don't see red flags here. I see possibly a mismatched libido, but overall, it seems pretty good to me. (divorced after a truly sexless marriage and no normal relationship of any kind withing the marriage.)