Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is the right forum. DH and I have two kids and two embryos (high quality blasts, genetically tested) remaining. DH says he's done having kids and as I'm in my mid 40s, I'm okay with this. I just received the bill for embryo storage from our IVF clinic and I know at this point, it makes sense to discard our embryos, but I don't want to. I can't help but think those two embryos could turn out to be two wonderful kids like the ones we have. My brother and SIL have been trying for almost two years now and I would be happy to donate to them, but DH has said a hard NO to donating the embryos to them or to anyone else. I Just don't know what to do. Don't expect anyone to give me the answers here, but just wanted to share as I have nowhere else to do so.

I am in a similar situation. My youngest is three. I’m 47. Not having any more. I keep paying the Bill. Will re-evaluate when I’m 50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be weird to watch another couple raise "your" kids. What if you didn't agree with their parenting? What if the kid had a lot of tragedy? It's got to be so much harder to watch knowing that is really your child. Imagine your baby if she chooses "cry it out" or spanking when you don't support those things..... and on and on. It has to muddy boundaries. What if the child comes to you later and wants birth control or an abortion, do you help them avoid telling their birth parents?

I understand you DH's feelings.

But less weird not to give “your” kids a chance at life? Discarding is a better option than a spanking? As an IVF baby myself, I know what I’d choose.

+1000. Sometimes, we have to choose what is harder for us in the best interest of others.

WTF? You don’t owe anyone your embryos.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be weird to watch another couple raise "your" kids. What if you didn't agree with their parenting? What if the kid had a lot of tragedy? It's got to be so much harder to watch knowing that is really your child. Imagine your baby if she chooses "cry it out" or spanking when you don't support those things..... and on and on. It has to muddy boundaries. What if the child comes to you later and wants birth control or an abortion, do you help them avoid telling their birth parents?

I understand you DH's feelings.

But less weird not to give “your” kids a chance at life? Discarding is a better option than a spanking? As an IVF baby myself, I know what I’d choose.

+1000. Sometimes, we have to choose what is harder for us in the best interest of others.

It is a hard decision. I was there. Two kids, two embryos remaining. Our family was complete though and we both did not want to donate. If you are sure you do not want to donate to strangers or your brother, there is something to be said for just making the decision and not tormenting yourself every year that the bill comes. That’s what I did and it was the best choice for me and my mental health.

Oh! I’m in a similar boat. I have one pgs normal baby girl frozen. I had a FET with her sibling 2 years ago. I cannot imagine the world without my now 17 month old. I want to see this frozen baby come to life. I’ll probably donate to another family. It might be hard, but I think it’s right for me.

Any interest in donating them anonymously?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but I don’t feel so emotionally attached to my embryos. I plan to hold onto my extras until I hit 40 or 45 and then discard. Nobody that we are super close to is having infertility issues (that we know of) so no pressure to donate.

NP. I don’t either. We’re just taking it year by year and decided to pony up again just to make extra sure we don’t want to use them. At 41 though I feel done

Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but I don’t feel so emotionally attached to my embryos. I plan to hold onto my extras until I hit 40 or 45 and then discard. Nobody that we are super close to is having infertility issues (that we know of) so no pressure to donate.

Anonymous wrote:In a similar situation as you and it’s just impossible. In my case I have 3 kids and no one to donate my 4 embryos. Sigh.

This describes our situation. Three kids and four PGS normal embryos on ice. 100% no more kids. It's a very difficult decision. Who knew our only IVF cycle would result in SO many embryos? I was 41. I expected maybe three or four total!

Anyway, I think I will go for the compassionate destruction thing where they insert them into your uterus during the time when you 100% cannot get pregnant. I know it's a charade but feels better somehow.

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be weird to watch another couple raise "your" kids. What if you didn't agree with their parenting? What if the kid had a lot of tragedy? It's got to be so much harder to watch knowing that is really your child. Imagine your baby if she chooses "cry it out" or spanking when you don't support those things..... and on and on. It has to muddy boundaries. What if the child comes to you later and wants birth control or an abortion, do you help them avoid telling their birth parents?

I understand you DH's feelings.

But less weird not to give “your” kids a chance at life? Discarding is a better option than a spanking? As an IVF baby myself, I know what I’d choose.

It's so hard. I just got a notice about my bill too. I've been paying for 4 years and pretty sure I am done having kids. But will still pay for at least the next year or two until I know that I am absolutely sure. I had thought about donating but I am not sure that I could. I think it would be hard for me to know a child of mine was out there. Maybe if it was my sister I was donating to it would be a little easier. But maybe not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be weird to watch another couple raise "your" kids. What if you didn't agree with their parenting? What if the kid had a lot of tragedy? It's got to be so much harder to watch knowing that is really your child. Imagine your baby if she chooses "cry it out" or spanking when you don't support those things..... and on and on. It has to muddy boundaries. What if the child comes to you later and wants birth control or an abortion, do you help them avoid telling their birth parents?

I understand you DH's feelings.

This is exactly why I don’t want to donate.

-NP

This makes sense when you're donating full embryos to close family. A non-local friend (a plane ride away) offered us her leftover embryos because they didn't want to discard them, but that would have been an extended aunt/uncle type relationship at best. Not close enough for the donating family to see the daily parenting and struggles of the resulting child. However, it could also be the only way for your brother's family to have a genetically related child. I think it's a tough decision and absolutely nobody should pressure your DH or anyone, but if it were me I'd probably hang onto them until your brother's family was done with fertility treatments. The moving goalposts are real and nobody really knows how they'd decide these questions until they actually come up. Giving it more time doesn't hurt anything.

If one spouse doesn’t want to donate then that’s that. No wheedling or cajoling.
OP, it’s not easy. I’ve been in your shoes. I held on to the embryos till I was 50 and then we let them go.

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be weird to watch another couple raise "your" kids. What if you didn't agree with their parenting? What if the kid had a lot of tragedy? It's got to be so much harder to watch knowing that is really your child. Imagine your baby if she chooses "cry it out" or spanking when you don't support those things..... and on and on. It has to muddy boundaries. What if the child comes to you later and wants birth control or an abortion, do you help them avoid telling their birth parents?

I understand you DH's feelings.

This is exactly why I don’t want to donate.

-NP

If you are thinking about donating to your sibling, I’d seek out counseling first. That’s a heavy decision.