Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

+1

Kids are like weeds. They are very good at getting what they need from their environment, and most will develop just fine barring actual neglect or abuse. It's kind of amazing, really. And we're not really talking about that if we're talking about a good daycare center or an experienced nanny. It's natural to feel protective, but the way to deal with that is to vet your caregivers, whatever form they take, to make sure they are qualified.

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.

I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.

OP, please consider seeing a therapist for post partum anxiety. For me it really spiked when baby was around 8 months and it lasted past the one year mark. Through therapy I was able to recognize that I had pre-baby anxiety that hormones had exacerbated. The therapist was able to offer some useful tools and exercises (not meds, although that works for some people) that helped me.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome your reservations? Partly because I don’t trust anyone to take as good care as a family member would, partly because I’m a control freak. Family help isn’t an option as parents moved away.

I truly think one of the blessing of parenthood can be helping type-A control freak types (I definitely have had these tendencies) face the reality of how little control they actually have. You can not control every element of your child's life. Not even if you stayed at home full-time. You say family help isn't an option, but know that even it if was, you wouldn't have total control in that situation either.

I think daycare is probably the best option for someone like you. Not because I think daycare is inherently superior to nannies. Both can be good, but for someone like you, you can look for a daycare that has cameras and other kinds of ways of updating the parents throughout the day. Again, be under no illusion that cameras=you have full knowledge, because you won't and you can't, and that's the reality. In a few short years, you'll also be sending your kid to school, and to after school activities. You need to start building up your tolerance now.

I say this as someone who waited a long time for a much-adored baby and then struggled with control tendencies around their care - you need to let go.

Your baby does not need constant interaction - not for their future success, or emotional health, or physical well-being. Your child needs to have their needs met, and to have consistent loving caregivers, but being left to entertain themselves for short periods of time is GOOD.

If you can afford a nanny, interview a bunch and find someone that you feel good about. In your position, though, I'd also look at nanny shares because socializing with other little kids is going to do some good and relieve the pressure on the nanny to be up in the baby's face all day.

Anonymous wrote:I did not feel this way, but I will say that you are going to have to relinquish control. Your kid(s) will spend most of their lives outside of your immediate control. I personally think there is more accountability in a center-based daycare where there are 2+ adults present at all times, but you can give more specific instructions to a nanny.

+1

You will have to deal with your control freak tendencies at some point. They are incompatible with children, unless you want to make yourself, your child, and a lot of other people miserable.

I liked the accountability of our center, and the staff were so warm and affectionate with the babies and little kids. I missed her during the day, but I didn't worry that she wasn't being taken care of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I felt like you did at your stage of parenting. Didn’t consider daycare because I wanted individual attention. No family in the area. I was similarly underwhelmed by the nanny-child interactions I’d see at the parks etc, and when I interviewed them it didn’t get any better.

Here’s what I did- I hired a younger woman (college senior) who was so loving and happy and basically got to train her to do things exactly as I wanted them. (I am not apologizing for being a control freak about my kids). She and I became close and it really worked out. I hired a graduate student next and had the same relationship. I also didn’t work FT and kept super flexible hours. I also wildly and unapologetically overpaid. I never understood why people cheap out and hunt for deals on childcare! It’s like- the most important thing.

I just know I’m going to get flamed for this post. I realize I am very very lucky that this route was an option for me. But I stand by it all these years later. Good luck, OP. Go with your gut.

Please get help for your control freak tendencies. It isn't healthy for you, your baby, or your marriage. You say you want the best for your kid, and a control freak mother is not that. I grew up with one. It was awful.

I think it's possible if you interview a lot of nannies. Trust your gut and you'll find one that will take amazing care of your child. Yes, there are many that are disengaged, on their phones, uncaring. But there are also many who care for your child as their own. We lucked out and had one who inspired compliments out of the blue from strangers when they recognized us out and about with our kids. She cared for my kids in a way that I couldn't even and taught me much about parenting.

Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I completely say this in a respectful way, then you should not go back to work and you should take care of your child. Mary Poppins type doesn’t even exist! And if you really look at what she did she lost the kids, took them on an unauthorized field trip to dance with penguins and allowed them two cover themselves in hazardous chimney soot.

I said that jokingly and I hope you can understand. Nannies are just human and devoting 100% attention and interaction with a child is impossible and also not healthy for the children.

Plus she let them play by themselves in that chalk painting while she had a jolly holiday with Bert.

If we look at it objectively, Mary Poppins was an awful nanny.

True. To be fair, she wasn't there for them. She was there for Mr. Banks.

So on top of everything else she wasn’t even there for the children. SMH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I completely say this in a respectful way, then you should not go back to work and you should take care of your child. Mary Poppins type doesn’t even exist! And if you really look at what she did she lost the kids, took them on an unauthorized field trip to dance with penguins and allowed them two cover themselves in hazardous chimney soot.

I said that jokingly and I hope you can understand. Nannies are just human and devoting 100% attention and interaction with a child is impossible and also not healthy for the children.

Plus she let them play by themselves in that chalk painting while she had a jolly holiday with Bert.

If we look at it objectively, Mary Poppins was an awful nanny.

True. To be fair, she wasn't there for them. She was there for Mr. Banks.

Small In-Home Daycare. Personalized attention and socialization. Ask the owner if you can talk to the families about their experiences.

Are you a Mary Poppins type SAHM right now?

I say this as someone on maternity leave who loves it. But I'm not engaging baby 100% of the time. It would be overload for us both.

That said, no reason you have to go back to work of you'd rather be home. This is just one of many examples of not "having it all" and the nonstop decisions that come with parenthood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I completely say this in a respectful way, then you should not go back to work and you should take care of your child. Mary Poppins type doesn’t even exist! And if you really look at what she did she lost the kids, took them on an unauthorized field trip to dance with penguins and allowed them two cover themselves in hazardous chimney soot.

I said that jokingly and I hope you can understand. Nannies are just human and devoting 100% attention and interaction with a child is impossible and also not healthy for the children.

Plus she let them play by themselves in that chalk painting while she had a jolly holiday with Bert.

If we look at it objectively, Mary Poppins was an awful nanny.