Anonymous
04/22/2021 23:56
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Anonymous wrote:I am pregnant with 3 and have a boy and a girl. I have had quite a few people ask me if it is an oops baby. Can’t understand why anyone would want more if they already have both sexes. So offensive! No, the baby was wanted very badly and we did infertility treatments.
I feel bad for the kids whose parents say that they were accidents. Every kid wants to think they were wanted even before birth.
My 3rd was a total surprise; we had done fertility treatments for 1 and 2 and I was told I'd never get pregnant. So, a happy accident. Kid is 6 now and very proud of it.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 23:26
Subject: Re:Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
I think the odds are high that a baby was unexpected when it comes after a large gap to a woman in her 40's.
One friend of ours had a fourth after a 16 year gap. My friend's mom had a sixth kid after a 13 year gap. Less extreme, an acquaintance had a fourth after a 7 year gap. I get the impression they were all loved and wanted after the parents realized the pregnancies, but I am also pretty sure they came as surprises.
One friend of ours had a fourth after a 16 year gap. My friend's mom had a sixth kid after a 13 year gap. Less extreme, an acquaintance had a fourth after a 7 year gap. I get the impression they were all loved and wanted after the parents realized the pregnancies, but I am also pretty sure they came as surprises.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 22:56
Subject: Re:Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand how married people every have "accidents". Like once you're married, and especially once you've had a kid or two, you obviously know what the deal is. I know some people will say "Oh we thought I couldn't conceive" but as someone who is very clear about not wanting more children, this is not a risk I would ever, ever take.
I think sometimes people are defensive about having 3+ kids because it's increasingly uncommon. So I think they say "oh, Larlo was an accident!" so it sounds like it just happened and it can deflect from uncomfortable questions.
But saying you had a third kid "by accident" makes me [silently] judge you more. If you want a big family, own it. As long as you love and care for your kids, why would matter to me? But acting like any of your kids are a burden or that your family is anything other than intentional makes me wonder if you treat your kids that way, too. I had parents who treated me like an accident they semi regretted and it sucked.
+1 on everything, +100 on the last sentence. My parents had some great qualities but also were never shy about sharing all the grand plans they had “if only” I hadn’t come along.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 22:32
Subject: Re:Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
I don't really understand how married people every have "accidents". Like once you're married, and especially once you've had a kid or two, you obviously know what the deal is. I know some people will say "Oh we thought I couldn't conceive" but as someone who is very clear about not wanting more children, this is not a risk I would ever, ever take.
I think sometimes people are defensive about having 3+ kids because it's increasingly uncommon. So I think they say "oh, Larlo was an accident!" so it sounds like it just happened and it can deflect from uncomfortable questions.
But saying you had a third kid "by accident" makes me [silently] judge you more. If you want a big family, own it. As long as you love and care for your kids, why would matter to me? But acting like any of your kids are a burden or that your family is anything other than intentional makes me wonder if you treat your kids that way, too. I had parents who treated me like an accident they semi regretted and it sucked.
I think sometimes people are defensive about having 3+ kids because it's increasingly uncommon. So I think they say "oh, Larlo was an accident!" so it sounds like it just happened and it can deflect from uncomfortable questions.
But saying you had a third kid "by accident" makes me [silently] judge you more. If you want a big family, own it. As long as you love and care for your kids, why would matter to me? But acting like any of your kids are a burden or that your family is anything other than intentional makes me wonder if you treat your kids that way, too. I had parents who treated me like an accident they semi regretted and it sucked.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 22:31
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s often a definitional issue. To some people, an “accident” or “oops” means, “we weren’t *trying* but we weren’t using BC either.” I think that’s lame in this day and age. If you weren’t using BC and using it properly, it’s not an oops.
If you were hoping to avoid pregnancy, and got pregnant, it's an oops, even if you weren't using BC entirely properly.
Many of the available BC methods have reduced effectiveness when certain corners are cut. And cutting those corners can be very tempting in the moment when the risk seems low and remote. DH and I weren't 100% perfect in our BC use during dating or marriage, but we've been lucky and never had an accidental pregnancy. If our luck had gone the other way, I would definitely consider it an oops.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 22:23
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Anonymous wrote:People keep asking me this, I think because I already had B and G. But no, we wanted 3...
+1
Anonymous
04/22/2021 22:22
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
I think it’s often a definitional issue. To some people, an “accident” or “oops” means, “we weren’t *trying* but we weren’t using BC either.” I think that’s lame in this day and age. If you weren’t using BC and using it properly, it’s not an oops.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 19:13
Subject: Re:Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
I think it's weird that people are telling you unprompted whether they were accidents or not. I have never inquired whether their children were accidents (rude) and they don't just volunteer that information! When someone says they're pregnant you just "congratulations!"
Anonymous
04/22/2021 19:00
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Anonymous wrote:I couldn't conceive naturally...
...until I did.
I think this is a lot of it although every infertility doc says to use bc if you don’t want more. Many I know who say this had trouble with conception originally. I do agree itis totally a thing though.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 18:57
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
I couldn't conceive naturally...
...until I did.
...until I did.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 18:55
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Most of the fourth babies I know are supposedly oooops babies. Like OP, I don’t believe it. I think the moms are just embarrassed to say they wanted 4. I have one friend who send a pregnancy announcement (by email) for her 4th that said “totally not an accident.” I respected that!
Anonymous
04/22/2021 18:47
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
Ha. My third was not expected, per se, but not necessarily an "oops" either? We started trying for a third when our second was three (e.g., went off BC, tracked cycles, etc.) and tried HARD for two years but nothing. (I was 37 at this point, so not crazy surprising.) Stayed off BC but didn't track cycles or anything, just kind of as an "well, if it happens it happens, we won't try to prevent it" and voila! Found out I was pregnant a a few weeks after #2 turned 5. YES, obviously we knew that there was a chance we could have a baby since I wasn't on BC, but we had been doing that for two years to no avail so...
Anonymous
04/22/2021 18:25
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
When you use a fertility clinic for the 3rd its very much planned. I know lots of families with 3-4 kids, never heard anyone say there was an oops.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 18:21
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
People thought my third was an accident because there's a 9 year gap between her and my next oldest.
Fun fact: my first two kids were accidents and it's my second two that were purposeful and planned.
Fun fact: my first two kids were accidents and it's my second two that were purposeful and planned.
Anonymous
04/22/2021 18:21
Subject: Why does everyone say their third was an accident?
All the pregnancies I could carry to term were accidents.