DH and I adopted a deeply traumatized kid who was close to turning 9.

The first year all of his energy went into forming a relationship with, and learning to trust DH and I, and we encouraged that, keeping him close, making sure that we provided all of his care.

Gradually, he expanded that circle of trust to others, but it was slow, and it started with the family members who he saw most frequently, such as his new older sibling, or a grandparent who lived close by and saw him several times a week.

If my siblings had children (whether biological, adopted, step, etc) with any complications that I was not informed about- I would take the time to learn as much as I could about the topic. For instance, my nephew has speech delays. SIL has sent us some of the studies and we have read through them. Certainly not as much as she has read, but enough that we can understand the gist of the issue and the plan she is considering for his education going forward. By learning what we can, we are better equipped to support her and to be more understanding of my nephew.

This isn't the same situation as what you describe- but my point is that, were I in your shoes, I would proactively try to learn what I could about the situation. Ask the parents what they are studying/learning about. Be a supportive ear for the parents, with enough information that you can actually have a discussion and help them work through the situation. And just continually show up for the child, without judging them for their current behavior. Provide love and support.

Anonymous wrote:It’s going to take a lot of patience and many, many attempts at reaching out with love. This child has a history of being hurt by the ones who should have loved him or her the most. It will take healing and a huge leap of faith for the child to allow anyone else to get close enough to occupy that space in his/her life again. A couple years ago, a teacher posted here on DCUM that, often times, her students who behaved in the least lovable ways were the ones most in need of love. It’s hard to keep putting yourself out there, but don’t give up on this child.

+1

Anonymous wrote:You do things together and make plans and stick to them. Set up a day...every other Tuesday or whatever and make it a planned thing. Do something together. Play video games. Go to the zoo. Go to one of those paint places. Go to an arcade. Basically just spend a couple hours with them on a set schedule. They will warm up to you. The mos important thing is to stick to the schedule. It allows the kid to know you're reliable and you follow through. They can trust you because you don't let them down.

And like other pps have said, this can't be about you. Take the kids lead. Don't push them. If you play video games for an hour and don't talk, that's ok. You're still showing him you're there for him. Kids who have been through a lot have their guard up. They get manipulated. They learn not to get too close. So the more you show him you're there, the more that guard will come down.

+1 That’s very wise - the idea that they can share activities without talking, and that’s okay.

Anonymous wrote:So it's your sibling's child? Firstly, they need time to observe you. Stop trying to interact and force a bond. It's kind of like when babies are shy - just let them observe you talking with the people they know and trust. Be consistent - they pay attention to what you say. If you say you'll drop something off Wednesday, don't blow it off or show up Thursday. If you say you always pick green any time there's an opportunity to pick a color, don't then say "I think today I'll be yellow." That will make you untrustworthy.

Be accepting of their anger. "That would make me really angry too." "That didn't go how you wanted it to at all, did it?" Let them have their anger - don't try to show them the silver lining or tell them their toy wouldn't have broken if they'd been more gentle with it.

This is good advice. Are you a child therapist?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

What do the child's parents say, OP? Because honestly it is a little weird that you are talking about being disappointed over a lack of bond with a "new" family member who you acknowledge has a past history of trauma. Is perhaps the real issue that your expectations are too high and you lack insight regarding what trauma actually does to a child. Why are you asking here instead of talking to the parents? Have they perhaps tried to recalibrate your expectations but you didn't like that response?

Excellent questions and post, PP. I think the OP really needs to dial it back. Her post sounds a lot more like her being needy than her being willing to accept this new family member at face value.

Sounds like a grandmother who wants to know her role.

OP if that is your situation, I think dropping by every week for an hour or two (maybe when the parents need a break) could be a nice thing to do. Follow the child’s interests. If it is early elementary child, maybe bring some fun books you can read — Zoe and Sassafras is a nice one, or find a series about space. Then you could do science experiments together. Bring home cooked snacks that the child likes. Really listen to them and find out their interests and tastes. At that age they could guide you to what they are interested in. Showing love takes time and you’ll just have to be available until the child opens up to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to be patient and not make it about your sadness and what your expectations are. That is the worst angle you can take.

+1

ugh that you are making this about you -- UGH.

Lots of projection going on here. I don’t get that at all from OP.

I have three older adopted kids who were adopted at older ages. FWIW, while they have all bonded within our family it has never happened outside the five of us. They enjoy our families but aren’t especially sad when we’ve had significant deaths. They also don’t have boyfriends or girlfriends though that might happen - mostly they talk about living together when we’re gone. I don’t think my kids are so unusual except maybe their closeness to each other - which we are very thankful for.

Maybe you could set your sights on having your new relative enjoy time with you.

I think PPs have been on target about trust and trauma. It took years for our kids to trust us and build a relationship with us and we’re there day in and day our meeting every need that we are aware of and can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

What do the child's parents say, OP? Because honestly it is a little weird that you are talking about being disappointed over a lack of bond with a "new" family member who you acknowledge has a past history of trauma. Is perhaps the real issue that your expectations are too high and you lack insight regarding what trauma actually does to a child. Why are you asking here instead of talking to the parents? Have they perhaps tried to recalibrate your expectations but you didn't like that response?

Excellent questions and post, PP. I think the OP really needs to dial it back. Her post sounds a lot more like her being needy than her being willing to accept this new family member at face value.

Anonymous wrote:Figure out what that child likes - is she into sports, art, cooking, animals? And then do that with her.

+1 Do things with her. Be consistent and structured. Don't try to be her therapist just be a happy-to-see-you cousin or aunt who plans fun activities and outings. The trust will build when YOU show her that YOU can be trusted by your behaviors. She isn't going to trust you because you plunk her down and say "now, then, tell me everything."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to be patient and not make it about your sadness and what your expectations are. That is the worst angle you can take.

+1

ugh that you are making this about you -- UGH.

Seriously. Shut up about YoUr SadNezz. All that matters is that the child begins to feel comfortable and bad with her IMMEDIATE family. You are...not that important.

Please research attachment issues with adoption. It isn't the child's fault, nor your own.

I think adoption just brings feelings to the adoptee that you might not imagine. My only sibling, two years apart, was adopted as an infant. I’d describe my childhood as idyllic and as adults even my parents paid for college, grad school, car and a first home. My sibling found birth mom as an adult and rejected all of us. Said they never felt like they belonged and ran away. I can’t understand it but we’re in our 30s now.

Anonymous wrote:You have to be patient and not make it about your sadness and what your expectations are. That is the worst angle you can take.

+1

ugh that you are making this about you -- UGH.

If FAS is a factor then the child may not be capable of forming a bond.