Anonymous wrote:Only getting 1/4 time/holidays/vacations with grandchildren instead of 1/2.

This isn’t a guarantee either way. I’m not divorced, my parents aren’t divorced. I still don’t spend 1/2 or even 1/4 of holidays with them or my inlaws. Our family mostly has its own traditions and plans.

We visit both sets of in-laws once per year. They visit us once per year, or maybe twice if FIL and MIL come separately. It would be the same if I divorced.

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage because of the thought of future grandchildren.

Anonymous wrote:For me, the worst part of divorce has been losing my social network. Our lifelong friends have ditched us, and I used to socialize with his family a lot, and they've ditched me (even though bipolar cheating ex was clearly to blame for divorce). I'm an only child with no kids and divorced elderly parents.

I hope you find an amazing person to share your life. Hugs

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only getting 1/4 time/holidays/vacations with grandchildren instead of 1/2.

Honest question- why not move to the same city as your kid(s)? Then you can see your grandkids all the time.

Kids do not always live near each other when they are adults. How do you choose which grandchildren to be near?

Anonymous wrote:It's just sad. I'm not a failure, but my marriage did fail. I have to think about it daily because we have children together. It's just different than what I had planned for my life and how I planned to raise my kids. There is a lot of nostalgia, especially when I am confronted with dropping kids off with their dad and his girlfriend. It's like looking in on what my life should have been, but will never be. Not saying my life is unpleasant- it's better in many ways. Just very different, and I do get sad about it.

This is it for me, coupled with guilt about my kids having to have a divided life. My life is better in many ways and I in no way want our marriage back, but there is always that feeling of "why wasn't I enough" when he remarried someone like me in so many ways (physical appearance, sense of humor, etc) and now seems happy.

We are able to deal with everything very amicably, so the kids aren't torn between us. There are no new kids in the picture so neither I nor the kids have that to contend with but it's still hard for them to go back and forth between homes, etc. And while my longterm financial picture is healthier now, we definitely had a lot more disposable income when we were married and could have offered the kids more in a material sense than I can on on my own.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have major control issues OP. Not that surprising that your marriage is miserable.

oh, stop with the sexist misogyny. Many of us are divorcing people who could not manage family life because they grew up in messed up abusive families.

Not everything in life is the woman’s fault. My DH grew up in a family that had a long history of substance abuse and mental illness. There is no way I could have known that. And, having grown up in a very stable family, even if I had known it, there is no way I would have been aware of the intergenerational impact that would have.

I’m extraordinarily lucky that I ended up with full custody of our kids and that his parents passed away when they were little so that we could stop that cycle of dysfunctionality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.

I did make a mistake...we should never have married. I did not fail at anything. It was simply not the right match and never was. I did not listen to my gut. I feel no sadness about a divorce. I am sad I did not listen to myself and stayed far too long. I am proud I was finally able to get myself out of it.

My kids exist. They are not paying for anything. I almost did not marry to begin with. They still have a great life. And it is. I longer fake and a poor example of marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on so many things. Divorce was not the worst thing to happen to me- one of the better things. But it wasn’t contentious, and I was working. We did not “go after” each other.

YOLO. Not wasting time in a bad marriage.

Me too.my desire to “not fail” and my internalization of all of the above negative comments kept me in an abusive marriage for too long.

Divorce has been the biggest blessing of my life.

My kids learned resiliency, courage and that their mom will do anything for them. I am way better off financially, emotionally and physically, as are they.

This.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.

This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hardest part of divorce can change over your lifetime as a divorced person. First it may be the kids' reaction, then it may be a problem step-parent, then it may be having to delay retirement because of the financial damage, then it may be loss of family time with grandkids. You can have all of these things and they can be the worst at different phases of life. Sometimes in ways you didn't anticipate.

This is very true.

However, divorce is sometimes still the better choice. We all are just making our way through life trying to make the best choices at the time. Play the cards you are dealt and make the best of it.

Anonymous wrote:Only getting 1/4 time/holidays/vacations with grandchildren instead of 1/2.

Honest question- why not move to the same city as your kid(s)? Then you can see your grandkids all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on so many things. Divorce was not the worst thing to happen to me- one of the better things. But it wasn’t contentious, and I was working. We did not “go after” each other.

YOLO. Not wasting time in a bad marriage.

Me too.my desire to “not fail” and my internalization of all of the above negative comments kept me in an abusive marriage for too long.

Divorce has been the biggest blessing of my life.

My kids learned resiliency, courage and that their mom will do anything for them. I am way better off financially, emotionally and physically, as are they.

This.

Only getting 1/4 time/holidays/vacations with grandchildren instead of 1/2.

Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.

+1 to the bolded --- op, spoiling grandparents are not going to be a top problem on the list

Anonymous wrote:Curious about the reality. My imagined worst thing is having my inlaws half raise my kids (they’d move in next door to dh in an instant to “help their baby” and spoil my kids the same way they spoiled him) and potentially in the future have some currently unknown girlfriend or step mom half raise my kids

That's what I'd do if one of my kids got divorced.

Anonymous wrote:It depends on so many things. Divorce was not the worst thing to happen to me- one of the better things. But it wasn’t contentious, and I was working. We did not “go after” each other.

YOLO. Not wasting time in a bad marriage.

Me too.my desire to “not fail” and my internalization of all of the above negative comments kept me in an abusive marriage for too long.

Divorce has been the biggest blessing of my life.

My kids learned resiliency, courage and that their mom will do anything for them. I am way better off financially, emotionally and physically, as are they.