Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 09:16     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
My commitment is to help as much as I can without wearing myself to the point of mental illness, and staying sane and adequate so as not to burden the kid.
It’s best to give less and stay sane than the opposite.
Learned it the hard way from my mom who is completely bonkers after allegedly sacrificing her life for us kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 09:12     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
I think there are things you have a duty to provide: aprt from the obvious (food and shelter for 18 years), you should pay for or chip in for their college costs to the extent you can afford to.

I think beyond that everything is optional - help with a downpayment, weddings etc. We will help out there as we have the cash. Personally, I would never buy my kids cars. I don’t like them, I didn’t get one myself till my mid-30s when we had our second kid, and I would think it quite likely ghat my kids would have the kind of life where they wouldn’t need one either. My brother is 50 and has never owned a car.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 09:03     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:That thread is depressing. Neither DH or myself come from means and we definitely will not be fully funding our children’s education. We hope to able to help with larger expenses but without generational wealth it’s hard to imagine gifting our kids thousands of dollars for weddings, down payments, etc.


I’m with you. My income is modest (under 100k, not DCUM modest), and my child has extensive mental health needs, and I spend most of my time fighting with my child’s father - dad loves taking me to court.

The pp who said raising kids costs “all your money” wasn’t kidding. I’m ready for my kid to grow up and move out (we’re on a longer timeline than 18 though because of the mental illness). I plan to be fine during retirement, but I don’t intend for my child to inherit much.

Right now, motherhood has stolen all my joy and happiness. I’m doing my best to keep it together for my kid, but it’s really hard.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 09:03     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That thread is depressing. Neither DH or myself come from means and we definitely will not be fully funding our children’s education. We hope to able to help with larger expenses but without generational wealth it’s hard to imagine gifting our kids thousands of dollars for weddings, down payments, etc.


Well if it makes you feel better, I don’t think those generational wealth transfers necessarily lead to better families or happier kids. I personally think it’s more important to figure out how to be an emotional support and a safe harbor for your kids than to be able to give them hundreds of thousands of dollars. Your kids will likely Gtown up to be able to financially support themselves. They might have to make tough choices at times but they will likely be able to work and save.

But it’s very hard for someone to create the sense of family love and belonging that they didn’t get from their parents. It truly is priceless. You might not be able to gift your kids a nice house, but you can gift them the knowledge that they are loved and always have a place of acceptance in your family. That worth a lot more in the long run.


+1 billion
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 09:02     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:I commit to giving my kids a fantastic 18 years, paid college and hopefully life advice after that.


+1 but if they boomerang for denefsible reasons I'll consider allowing them to temporarily crash in their old room (or sofa if we move into a Manhattan condo).
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 09:00     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:That thread is depressing. Neither DH or myself come from means and we definitely will not be fully funding our children’s education. We hope to able to help with larger expenses but without generational wealth it’s hard to imagine gifting our kids thousands of dollars for weddings, down payments, etc.


Well if it makes you feel better, I don’t think those generational wealth transfers necessarily lead to better families or happier kids. I personally think it’s more important to figure out how to be an emotional support and a safe harbor for your kids than to be able to give them hundreds of thousands of dollars. Your kids will likely Gtown up to be able to financially support themselves. They might have to make tough choices at times but they will likely be able to work and save.

But it’s very hard for someone to create the sense of family love and belonging that they didn’t get from their parents. It truly is priceless. You might not be able to gift your kids a nice house, but you can gift them the knowledge that they are loved and always have a place of acceptance in your family. That worth a lot more in the long run.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 08:54     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
That thread is depressing. Neither DH or myself come from means and we definitely will not be fully funding our children’s education. We hope to able to help with larger expenses but without generational wealth it’s hard to imagine gifting our kids thousands of dollars for weddings, down payments, etc.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 08:49     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
We’re committing to needs (shelter, food, safe home, etc.) also including attention to their emotional needs and development. DH and I grew up in high conflict homes, and we’re committed to not repeating that for our kids. We want them to feel that home is a safe place.

Our own retirement, absolutely. I also am committed to supporting them in adulthood if a significant need arises, e.g., divorce, health issues, etc. That doesn’t mean I want them living at home forever, but if something awful happens, I want them to be able to rely on me and DH to help them through it.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 00:20     Subject: Re:What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You’re still insecure enough to crap on SAHMs. Model better behavior for your kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 23:54     Subject: Re:What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.


Sad
I would respect you more if you did.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 23:49     Subject: Re:What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t your question, but I feel like my entire life revolves around my children sometimes, and I’m not sure that I expected this kind of a commitment. When people ask me how much it costs to raise kids, I answer “all of your money.”
Almost every financial decision we make from what car to drive to where to live to what kinds of work we do is done with the kids in mind and would likely be vastly different if we didn’t have them.

Do I feel like I owe it to them? No. Not really. I do it because I love them and want the best for them.


I don't feel every financial decision is about them. We live in the same small house that we had prior to them. We buy cars we want but work for them. You don't need a mini-van. Our lives center around their needs, activity and school but much of that is our choice and we get joy out of their joy.


Of course it brings you joy. I didn’t mean to imply that it was wrong to center you’re life around your children, or that I am unhappy with my life. I love being a mother. I only meant that being a parent isn’t just doing your thing and setting something aside for your children. It’s the reverse.


As a good mom, yes, but many parents are not like that. We absolutely center everything around our child. It gives us joy seeing him do it and I hope he'll do the same for his kids. (and hope he has a kid just like him so I get to have the joy all over again). The only thing I didn't center around my child was what car I drove but he had a say but I heavily influenced it. And, its not exactly a mom vehicle. We have changed our interests to fit our child's but have had a lot of fun in doing so. Its all how you view things. My parents were the do their thing and we fit into their lives. That's not the childhood I want mine to have.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 23:43     Subject: Re:What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.


Yes, because being a SAHM means you are lazy and do nothing all day.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 23:37     Subject: What you commit to when you have children
I commit to giving my kids a fantastic 18 years, paid college and hopefully life advice after that.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 22:59     Subject: Re:What you commit to when you have children
Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t your question, but I feel like my entire life revolves around my children sometimes, and I’m not sure that I expected this kind of a commitment. When people ask me how much it costs to raise kids, I answer “all of your money.”
Almost every financial decision we make from what car to drive to where to live to what kinds of work we do is done with the kids in mind and would likely be vastly different if we didn’t have them.

Do I feel like I owe it to them? No. Not really. I do it because I love them and want the best for them.


As a single childless woman I appreciate the honesty. I wish more women were this candid.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2021 22:48     Subject: Re:What you commit to when you have children
My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.