I’m probably married to one. Whenever I brought up finances, he’d shut the conversation down, either by ignoring me, starting a fight by going into some philosophical argument about why this discussion is unnecessary, or being completely vague. We had separate accounts for a very long time “because it would complicate things to mix our finances.” He asked me to be a sahp as well. I think he just liked doing things his way, and greatly disliked having to discuss things with me before deciding to do things. He has made big purchases like another car without telling me.

I had to basically demand that he report back to me with all of his assets. There is no way we can properly plan if I do not know the state of our finances. He hid his debt from me for many years-not to be secretive or sneaky, but just because he literally didn’t see a need for me to have that knowledge. I mean, I knew he had student debt but didn’t know the amount for a long time.

Through some tough conversations, I think he finally gets why it’s important to be transparent with each other about our finances and also why we need a joint account. He still has his own personal account that he uses that I never see, but we also now have a joint account.

I cannot speak for your husband, but I think for mine, the intent is not malicious or controlling, it is literally that he is a creature of habit to the extreme and it is very uncomfortable for him to make changes like start talking to your spouse about money and to meld finances. It is also just an area in his life that he avoids thinking about because he is so disinterested in it, but he is starting to take more of an active role in managing finances.

I have young kids and am still trying to figure out when to leave, and if one of them is ASD too and needs a real routine and care. He can’t care for the kids, he needs a ton of prompting in order to prompt one of them (brush teeth, get dressed, leave for school, don’t eat pasta 5 meals in a row, etc). if anything he’s undermining the kids constantly if he’s not doing his work addict thing. He won’t leave so I suspect it will be a high conflict situation. He wants to protect his image and ego and “stay because the kids” yet he does close to nothing developmentally appropriate for or with the kids unless explicitly told by me, a teacher or a coach. And then forgets.

He mostly hides at his (home) office and ignores us all until it’s very convenient for him to goof around for 30 minutes and then crash on the couch early in the evening.

Anonymous wrote:I married into an aspie family, found out two kids in as they lived overseas and spouse hit the wall during kid 2 in the way, diagnosed 5 years later after significant executive functioning issues at home, plus anger/verbal abuse issues, plus poor communication / constant “misunderstandings.”

Look. The symptoms and what they destroy (trust, other person, safety) are what need to be managed or else you are in for a world of hurt. Diagnosis only helps if it goes towards managing symptoms and better understanding, both in terms of BOTH people trying again and not making same mistakes.

NT/AS is very difficult. It’s everything you read, it’s true

AS’s normal is nothing like most peoples or societies. So hiding money, gifting it away, pissing it away, and then double down and arguing you’re the crazy one is par for the course.

Get a third party involved to legally explain marital assets, forensic accountant to figure out what happened with the let 10-20 years of your liquid and illiquid marital assets. Esp if you have children involved, do it for them.

AS can be easily fooled or manipulated due to mindblindness, no theory of mind, and poor to no judgment or common sense. However careless, thoughtless and self countered behavior can be non stop.

I’d say have a third party claw back what they can if you want to stay out i of massive arguments. If you’ve had enough claw it back and pull the plug. Things won’t get better, and you probably know they won’t advocate for you well when times get tough - Health, assets, big issues.

Did you find a way to stay, anything that helped? He is not verbally abusive in terms of yelling. Just the standard cycle of avoid, deflect, minimize, gaslighting, denial, repeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think that lying to your spouse is part of Asperger’s disorder.

I thought that you were going to ask about why it doesn’t seem to matter to him that it’s your birthday, and he forgot to get you a present, but it does seem to matter that when you set the table for your own birthday dinner, the fork is in the wrong place. This is the kind of aspie stuff that makes me see red.
Hiding marital assets seems like something else.

NP. Oh man, I laughed so hard at this. Sympathetically!

Presents like narcissism quite often.

Lying to cover up mistakes or misunderstand quite common.
Lies of omission quite common.

Half the times the lies are the AS forgot or never processed the reality of what happened or was discussed. Thus in their world it did not happen. So you saying it did and everyone behaving as if there was a discussion or agreement or action either makes him back down or rage.

I married into an aspie family, found out two kids in as they lived overseas and spouse hit the wall during kid 2 in the way, diagnosed 5 years later after significant executive functioning issues at home, plus anger/verbal abuse issues, plus poor communication / constant “misunderstandings.”

Look. The symptoms and what they destroy (trust, other person, safety) are what need to be managed or else you are in for a world of hurt. Diagnosis only helps if it goes towards managing symptoms and better understanding, both in terms of BOTH people trying again and not making same mistakes.

NT/AS is very difficult. It’s everything you read, it’s true

AS’s normal is nothing like most peoples or societies. So hiding money, gifting it away, pissing it away, and then double down and arguing you’re the crazy one is par for the course.

Get a third party involved to legally explain marital assets, forensic accountant to figure out what happened with the let 10-20 years of your liquid and illiquid marital assets. Esp if you have children involved, do it for them.

AS can be easily fooled or manipulated due to mindblindness, no theory of mind, and poor to no judgment or common sense. However careless, thoughtless and self countered behavior can be non stop.

I’d say have a third party claw back what they can if you want to stay out i of massive arguments. If you’ve had enough claw it back and pull the plug. Things won’t get better, and you probably know they won’t advocate for you well when times get tough - Health, assets, big issues.

Anonymous wrote:

there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately

Isn't this all that matters?
Don't you have enough money?
so, life is a little odd, out of the ordinary ...

Well there are worse scenarios, but the concern is more how to trust this person. It's not fair to expect him to "know" an NT's perspective (eg generally happily married couples don't hide accounts). The idea of using rules/guidelines may work. But would someone with HFASD just search for caveats why the rule doesn't apply?

there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately

Isn't this all that matters?
Don't you have enough money?
so, life is a little odd, out of the ordinary ...

"First, it’s the lack of understanding and empathy; then it’s the lack of being able to understand that they don’t understand; and then it’s the insistence that they do understand and that you’re the one who doesn’t get it."

https://www.theneurotypical.com/how-to-spot-aspergers.html

Post-nuptial agreement stat, all funds and accounts must be joint (get your name on those assets), no secret money or accounts.

OP here. There are so many helpful comments here. I should have detailed that the pre-marital earnings were significantly commingled and actively managed.

Really grateful for the insight on how an Aspie views this, especially the suggestion on creating rules.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think that lying to your spouse is part of Asperger’s disorder.

I thought that you were going to ask about why it doesn’t seem to matter to him that it’s your birthday, and he forgot to get you a present, but it does seem to matter that when you set the table for your own birthday dinner, the fork is in the wrong place. This is the kind of aspie stuff that makes me see red.
Hiding marital assets seems like something else.

NP. Oh man, I laughed so hard at this. Sympathetically!

I don't understand what the big deal is about the premarital assets. Ice been told since I was a little kid to never combine inheritance and keep my premarital assets seperate. My husband and I hace built a life and have joinglg savings. We married in our mid 20s before we had much but we both had been working and saving for about 5 years prior.

Forum for Asperger people. If you want to understand him better you may ask some questions there, those are Aspies who can give you their perspective.

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/

Either talk to the lawyer or read this, the same end result. You need to educate yourself about the financial rights / law
before you hang him to dry.

Maryland:
All property obtained during the course of the marriage is marital property, regardless of who paid for it. The exception to this general rule is property received by one spouse as a gift, inheritance from a third party, or excluded by a valid agreement.

Virginia:
All property acquired by a married couple after the official date of the marriage is considered "marital property" and thus subject to the laws of property division upon divorce. Virginia is an "equitable distribution" state.

DC:
Since District of Columbia is an equitable distribution state, all marital property is divided equitably unless agreed to otherwise by the divorcing spouses. If the parties don't agree what is equitable, then a judge will determine what is equitable.


State Laws

States are either equitable distribution states or community property states

In community property states, the law recognizes that property that was earned or acquired during the marriage is property that is jointly and equally owned by both spouses. In community property states, the courts typically exempt property that was owned prior to the marriage, received as a gift or received as an inheritance. This usually includes any income that was derived from a separate asset.

In equitable distribution states, the court evaluates from where the property derived to determine its owner. Equitable distribution states may look to the legal title of an asset to help determine whether it is a marital asset or separate asset. In equitable distribution states, premarital property, gifts and inheritances are usually excluded from division.



The central component that makes community property states different from equitable distribution states is how the court treats marital assets. In community property states, the court assumes that the assets are owned 50/50. Equitable distribution states strive to distribute the assets in a fair manner, even if doing so does not make an exact 50/50 split.

Equitable distribution states may provide an asset that was acquired during the marriage solely to one spouse. They may even order that certain separate property be given to the other spouse, as long as state law is followed. State law may require that the family judge provide a written statement regarding why separate property was distributed to the other spouse. Alternatively, state law may allow the property to be distributed in this fashion if the other spouse caused waste to marital assets by gambling away the funds or if the other spouse committed adultery and spent marital assets on the affair partner.

Equitable distribution states can also look to a variety of factors in determining what is a fair division of property. For example, they may consider what separate property each spouse will have after the divorce, how much spousal and child support has been awarded and the length of the marriage.
Property per an Agreement
If spouses do not like the default rules that their state uses, they are free to negotiate this issue among themselves. This may be completed at the time of divorce through the process of mediation or negotiation. The spouses may reach an agreement regarding how their property should be divided. The judge may incorporate this agreement into the divorce decree.

Alternatively, spouses may come to an agreement before their marriage. For example, they may enter into a prenuptial agreement that states how property will be treated in case of divorce or the death of one of the parties. Prenuptial agreements often have specific procedures that must be followed, such as disclosing certain financial information and being informed of the recommendation to seek independent legal counsel, in order to be enforceable. A postnuptial agreement is similar, but it is entered into after the couple is already married.

P.S. Marriage with Aspies is not easy and it usually work better when a woman is super tolerant and does not make big deal of their stuff, if you will confront him every five minutes this will burn you down and also kill the marriage. Not every woman is so forigving and you really have very little chance that he will get different, it is more about you growing to tolearate his quirks then him changing to your liking.

It is like marriage of cat and dog instead two cats or two dogs.

At least now you know that if you are a cat and he is a dog, you can not expect him to start meowing, but you can get used to his barking. If you insist on turning him into a cat, then good luck with that.