Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:Siblings can grow up with different experiences in the same family. Maybe your sister did not enjoy her childhood. My brother also feels our family of origin was "toxic". I didn't experience many of his complaints, but, I do try and respect that his feelings are not "wrong". It is okay to not be close with your sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

Has this happened to others too?

I saw that thread about the brother who is ignoring his own family and it struck a cord with me. My family and I grew up LMC and my poor hard working parents sacrificed a lot to give us MC-UMC opportunities regarding education. As a result of us not coming from money, my parents are now completely broke and struggling to pay bills. This has created a lot of family tension and my siblings and I cope with a lot of anxiety and depression and guilt over our penniless parents. There is a lot of strife and drama and guilt tripping sometimes by our parents themselves. But overall they are exceedingly kind and generous people who literally gave their all to us.

My one sister met and married a guy who in all respects is..."better" than us. Private school, Executive father, Glamorous UC upbringing and comforts. My sister is head over heels in love and is the consummate wife and daughter in law. When I first met his parents, her MIL gushed, "Larla is an ANGEL! She is perfection! You can take our son, but we will keep your sister!"

I was pretty dumbstruck as to what to say.Since she has pretty much ghosted us and our parents. Since meeting him she keeps saying our family is "toxic" and holds a grudge against our parents for things that were out of their control such as no retirement funds and sacrifices they had to make. We have a distant and polite relationship but meanwhile her social media feed is filled with her picture perfect husband and in laws.

I have made peace with her decision to distance herself from us but it still hurts.