Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:20     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?


OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?


You still have not given your qualifications. What makes you his boss or his therapist? What makes you his judge and jury? What gives you the authority to say what's "right" or "wrong" about how he chooses to spend his time, and how he chooses to manage his relationships with other grown-ass adults who are not you?!

Get a fricking hobby. And get a therapist for those control issues of yours.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:19     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?


OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?


Your brother is being a stupid male. Nothing else. So you extend your love to your SIL and kids and ask her if your mom is invited when you get the invite. Always make it a family event ...be nice to your SIL and her side of the family and since they are well off, don't try and keep up with the Joneses where your brother is concerned. If the wife is not the problem then you can work around your brothers male stupidity.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:17     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts.


Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be.


No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart.


Then stop being fake around his wife. And every time he invites you ask him if he's invited your mom.

You make it sounds like he's telling his wife your mom isn't available and asking you to keep up that lie. Don't.


Yes, I suspect that's precisely what he's doing. I don't know how to not be fake and at the same time not stoke drama in their marriage. I have no idea if he's built up some house of lies. And having to go through his wife to make him treat our mom better gives me anxiety.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:16     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
She needs to speak up. If she wants to babysit- offer.

I would never ask someone to babysit, but my family offers nonstop. So I let them babysit whenever they want. In-laws have never offered and expect us to ask. I’m never going to beg unless I was desperate. It’s not in our personality to ask for help or babysitting- we pay.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:14     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:My eldeat brother did the exact same thing, but mainly because his wife had grudges against our family. Everyone pretended that things were ok and did the best to not call my brother out on it because what was the use? He is a grown man and he liked the life she created with him. The issue is not her but my brother.

Then one time, 3 years ago, she confronted me and said a lot of things about my parents. This was with my father being in a coma. I withdrew completely and did only what was expected of me. Gifts for my nieces weddings, social obligation to his ILs and her siblings.
My brother was happy and lives near his ILs and her brother.

Unfortunately, ia few months ago her brother and her father passed away. I am so numb by her that I could only again do what was required. Paying my respects and attending the funeral on zoom. One week ago she fell I'll and now she is terminal. My brother is shattered and I am filled by guilt that I am numb.

What must have been the reason that she was so filled by animosity for our family? I will never know. Unfortunately, a life was lived and it is ending and only disharmony was there with regards to us. It is not my burden but I am devastated for my brother who is about to lose his wife at 63.

Op, there is nothing you can do. You have to ignore his selfishness and take on the care of your mother yourself.


If you talk to your bother, it will get ugly because he will deny it. Don't do it. Give your mother the love and affection and distract her. I know it is extremely painful.

When my SIL was berating me, my brother was around and did not say anything. Later he told me that he is very sorry that his wife said bad things to me and he apologized to me. I asked him not to apologize because he did not say the things. My brother asked me to forgive her in my heart and I said I need time and space to even say "screw it" and I am not there.

Frankly, right now, I am calling night and day to enquire about her situation to my brother, because he needs some moral support, but I am feeling not too much except a sadness that she poisoned the relationship and even her daughter is behaving like her because she poisoned her feelings.

My only consolation is that we steered clear of her and despite the loss of a close loving relationship that should have existed there is still a relationship between us siblings. And my mom will always have a mother's heart and will forgive him.

Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:13     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?


OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:04     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts.


Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be.


No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart.


Then stop being fake around his wife. And every time he invites you ask him if he's invited your mom.

You make it sounds like he's telling his wife your mom isn't available and asking you to keep up that lie. Don't.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:03     Subject: Re:Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
If your brother lives in the same community, it’s a lifestyle to get together often. There is nothing impromptu about an hour and a half away. Not defending your brother. But he’s always going to be intertwined with his ILs
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 17:01     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:It may just be that he’s one of those guys who will do whatever wife prefers, and she prefers her family. So they never consider the imbalance. It may not have anything to do with socioeconomic differences.


This. It really is his loss. He has to work on the equity especially since your mom is alone.

There is nothing you can do. You need to tell your mom to not burn bridges but also not to have any expectations from him.

Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 16:55     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts.


Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be.


No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart.


Huh? Of course spending time with your parents should be enjoyable! Is she offering to babysit or figuring out how to be apart of their lives too? When you have kids you do become selfish. It can be hard and some people go out of their way to make thing easier. Others just whine at you and how you aren’t doing enough. Relationships are 50% on your mom too. She needs to meet them halfway too

It also could be that he was closer to your dad?
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 16:55     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
My eldeat brother did the exact same thing, but mainly because his wife had grudges against our family. Everyone pretended that things were ok and did the best to not call my brother out on it because what was the use? He is a grown man and he liked the life she created with him. The issue is not her but my brother.

Then one time, 3 years ago, she confronted me and said a lot of things about my parents. This was with my father being in a coma. I withdrew completely and did only what was expected of me. Gifts for my nieces weddings, social obligation to his ILs and her siblings.
My brother was happy and lives near his ILs and her brother.

Unfortunately, ia few months ago her brother and her father passed away. I am so numb by her that I could only again do what was required. Paying my respects and attending the funeral on zoom. One week ago she fell I'll and now she is terminal. My brother is shattered and I am filled by guilt that I am numb.

What must have been the reason that she was so filled by animosity for our family? I will never know. Unfortunately, a life was lived and it is ending and only disharmony was there with regards to us. It is not my burden but I am devastated for my brother who is about to lose his wife at 63.

Op, there is nothing you can do. You have to ignore his selfishness and take on the care of your mother yourself.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 16:50     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Maybe your mom just isn’t as interesting or fun? We have a similar dynamic. One side is just best friends and the other just talks about constant obligations to them. It also sounds like his in-laws must help them and spend time with them too. How often does your mom invite them over?
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 16:37     Subject: Re:Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
If it bothers you so much, just be frank with your SIL OP. Explain the situation. Plus, why can't your mom be upfront about the differential treatment?
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 16:35     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Has she asked you directly about being distant? If so I would answer with simple honesty. Just say you didn't pull away he did. Say he is in contact with his Mom only a few times a year and declines assisting with her care.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2021 16:30     Subject: Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What happened when you spoke with him about this and asked for him to pitch in with caring for your mom?


Yeah...yeah...I'll get on that. Nothing changed, he doesn't care. And then he wants me to be fake around his wife. I suspect he tells his wife our mother is super busy and just sort of fabricates her life. His children see his wife's parents multiple times a week, they've literally never been to our mom's house.


My guess is he treats your parents as he is in reality, this reflect on him. However he treats his inlaws in the way he believes will yeld for him most return. It is fake acting and he sounds like a calculated gold digger. Not a good person.

Tell him next time your mom was crying that he is favorizing the other mother that although never raised him, cared for him when he was sick, and loved him more then anything in the world now is being worshiped unlike his mom who is treated like old hug.
What's wrong with him anyway?